How important are gifts?
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How important are gifts?
| Tue, 09-13-2005 - 12:01am |
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. I love to be romanced, but I don't need to be showered with expensive gifts. The problem... my boyfriend is hesitant on giving gifts because his ex girlfriend screwed him over, so I only get gifts for all the special days. My problem isn't that I don't receive gifts, but that he says he's too poor to buy me nice things. He can, however, buy cigarettes and gamble at the casino. It would be nice to receive flowers, for no real reason, so how do I make him see this is important to me? I do nice things for him all the time; I just want the favor returned. Any suggestions?

You can tell him that you like little gifts/flowers all you like, but if it's not the type of thing he does, then you may as well start getting used to it now. One of the secrets to having a good relationship is to accept the person for who they are - or break up. But if you're trying to change him, you'll only ever get disappointed.
As I understand it, you get gifts for your birthday and Xmas. And possibly Valentines. If the gifts he gives are thoughtful and have no powercords attached, then you've got nothing to complain about. And I would be wary about pressing him for more gifts...and mentioning how he doesn't spend enough on you, because he may perceive you as a gold digger. You say that you do nice things for him all the time. Does this mean that you buy him expensive gifts frequently?
One doesn't need to give gifts to show their love. Instead, you should look at the small things he does for you. Does he order the pizza topping you love? Will he rent videos that you will probably like? Will he open a bottle of wine with you for no reason? Does he make sure to spend ample quality time with you? This is the stuff that really matters.
If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then stop looking for material showings of love. Enjoy instead the things he *does* for you.
I agree with aisha, gifts shouldn't matter as long as his feelings are expressed in other heartfelt ways.
The only thing I would add is that I think your feeling unloved. The feeling may be a result of the fact that you see it as him being willing to spend money on things you don't approve of but he wont spend money on you. Which makes you feel that those things matter more then you do.
This may be a result of you placing too much importance on matrial possessions over real heartfelt affection OR it could be the result of the fact he actually DOES think those things are more important. But that you'll have to figure out on your own.
The bottomline is you should feel love and valued in a relationship MOST of the time. If you don't, you either need to leave the relationship or find a resolution so you start to feel that way more.