How to let him down & move on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
How to let him down & move on...
3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:54pm

Hello everyone...I'm new to this board and would appreciate some advice if you would be so kind...

I'm 25 and have been dating someone (Mike) for about a 1.5 years. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man- from the values, to the security, to the comfort, to the chemistry- he has it all. This past May, I moved down south for a job transfer and well, Mike came down one weekend and proposed so I moved back- not only b/c of him, but b/c my mother was ill and needed help and I was terribly homesick after 2 months. I don't regret my decision BUT 2 months later I broke off our engagement b/c I felt I just needed more time to figure out what I wanted out of life and he wanted marriage right away (he's 6 years older). It was an agonizing decision b/c he seemed to be everything I needed and wanted but something told me we were moving too fast and to slow it down. On top of this, I met someone thru work who really sparked my interest (J). He's this amazing guy who I think the world of, who makes me smile like no one else, who's values and dreams and thoughts and antics are in line EXACTLY with mine and our emotional connection is uncanny. Like none I've every experienced with a guy - even Mike. One thing though -we've never actually met. I met J thru my company- he was a contract employee who assisted me via phone and email with my transfer and we just somehow clicked right away and have been talking/emailing ever since. I know what he looks like & vice-versa and I am "planning" on meeting him in November as I'm traveling to his city for work and he is anxious to meet me.

The thing is J's very much into me. He's fallen harder than I anticipated even though I've maintained that I'm still dating around, wanting to be single, enjoy my life and recently broke off an engagement. He swears I'm the girl he's been waiting for and "knows" that we're destined for a relationship and that everything that's happened in my life leads him to that conclusion. We talk several times a week and email almost daily and I can't help but feel comfort and security in just knowing him. We've become great friends. I think however my comfort is more of a friendship comfort whereas his is that and more. He's professed his deep attraction to me in many ways and that he's counting the days until our meeting in November and thinks it will be the best month of his life b/c he'll get to meet "his soul mate." I admit we have a crazy connection which has developed quickly, we can talk for hours, are sweet on each other and are the same person in many ways but I don't know if this is just as great friends or something more??? I've seen his pictures and I'm not attracted to him physically but his personality makes him attractive overall. I'm honestly afraid to meet him in November for several reasons but mostly b/c I can't give him what he wants right now (a relationship) and I don't know how to really relay that to him and also b/c I'm scared to see if we really are 'destined' b/c that would mean veering off of my life plan right now which I don't want to do. Even if we did meet and got along great, I'm not ready for a relationship with him at all...and he is. I'm still hung up on my ex and deep down I just know he and I will marry one day so I really don't want to jump into another relationship. I really just wanted time to myself to figure things out, meet other people and learn from them and never, EVER expected to meet someone like J at all. I feel honored to have met someone like J in life, and if circumstances were different for me we may have been able to explore something but right now, timing is all wrong and I KNOW that. I'm just feeling so guilty about the fact that I will hurt him.

I have no idea how to handle this right now. Right now, I have no intention of meeting him anymore- not now that I know more about what he wants from me and what I cannot give him and also b/c I just can't deal with another deep relationship right now in life. I feel awful, that i've taken this too far- that I should have stopped emailing him and talking to him frequently a while ago, but I just fell into the connection and rode that wave way too long and now that I know I have to end this I get sick at the thought of hurting him, which I know is inevitable.

What would be the best way to let him down? Should I be honest with him about my feelings for Mike and my confusion of life in general or just tell him I think we're just great friends? Should I make something up to hurt him less and just tell him I need more time on my own with less confusion with affairs of the heart? How can I tell him that I cannot meet him in November when I agreed to do so previously? I'm so confused and upset right now b/c I DO NOT at all want to hurt this incredible man. At all. He's this wonderfully sensitive and amazing man that I have been BLESSED to have "met" in life and I don't really want to throw that away but do not see a way to keep him in my life at all.

So, please help if you would!? I don't know how to handle this on my own...

Thank you in advance ~Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 9:06am

Tell him almost exactly what you just told us, just leave out the parts about your feelings for your ex and maybe be a little more brief. Perhaps something along the lines of: "I'm terribly sorry if I've lead you on in anyway, that wasn't my intention. But I know that I can't go through with meeting you. I simply do no want to be involved in a relationship right now. I really am sorry becasue I know this hurts you but I have to do what I know is right for me."

If he asks for more of an explaination or pushes with questions about your feelings for him or your ex, just stick with what you've said and the core reason you don't want to continue. "My feelings are really not relevant at this point. I need some time on my own and I'm going to take it. There's absolutely nothing anyone could do that would disuade me. Not you and not Mike, not anyone. This is what I need and want to do, be on my own for a while."

If he wont give up then just tell him you're sorry but there really isn't anything more to talk about and that you have to go and wish him all the best. And then leave him ALONE, don't call and check on him. Don't take his calls don't return his emails. Nothing. Cut off all contact. He'll heal faster. Yes, this approach may hurt YOU, because noone likes to see someone they genuinely care about hurt and not reach out to them. But it is what is best for him and the best favor you can do him is to make the break clean and not give him false hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:10am
where do I start? As far as your ex J you say youhave a great connection but you do with the other guy as well. Your ex is the pathoflife that you want yet you vere off with allowig your emotions to get involved with another. I just feel that you fell hard for the new guy b/c perhaps you couldn't handle the intense emotion that goes along with calling off an engagement. You shouldn't be with the new guy b/c it seemes it sizzled out and your emotions are all over the place. Let him go because you are only lying to yourself. You seem to know who you will be with ultimately. Us girls tend to do this (get involved while healing) so just let him down nicely but firmly...Goodluck and keep us posted
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:10am

Thank you for your replies... I sent J (new guy)an email telling him that I'd like to talk and discuss some things about my feelings as of late and he of course responded with some concern but that he has faith that we'll work thru whatever I have on my mind and then proceeded to tell me that he devoted all of last night (while I was on a date with someone) to compiling the many poems he's written about me and wants to read them to me tonight on the phone! Ummm- yikes!

He's just so darn sweet and selfless that this is killing me. I think I'm afraid to continue this b/c I'm afraid of my feelings for him and if they will get deeper b/c I know they could and I DON"T want that right now... I just really feel sick at the thought of telling him I can't talk with him that much anymore and that I can't see him in November when he's SO looking forward to it and we've talked about plans and all that. I feel awful that I led him on, when I didn't even realize I was doing it! I feel so selfish and cruel but I do know what I need right now and I know what's best for me and unfortunately he is not it. Timing is everything too right?

Please wish me luck when we talk tonight as I know I'm going to need it and I am not good at letting people down... :(

Thanks again for the support!

Samantha