How long to wait when he's not ready?
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| Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:18am |
Boy, what a long, convoluted story you're about to read... ;-)
I started working at my job last December, and was married. We were having problems to start with, and I was pretty sure I wanted a divorce, but hadn't gotten up the courage to ask for it. There was a guy at my new job named "Rob" that was also married, and had 3 kids. He was really friendly, and helped me out quite a bit, and we got along really well; we actually kind of flirted a bit. After a couple of months, I realized that I had a minor crush on him, so I knew that having feelings for someone else definately meant that it was time to let go of my mariage, so I left my husband in March.
Through all this, Rob and I still flirted a bit, but nothing where anyone at work would even notice. Then in June, he told me that he had left his wife (she had been doing drugs and cheated on him, and it wasn't the first time). I knew what he was going through, so I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch and talk about it. We did, and on the way back, he confessed to me that had feelings for me, so I admitted that I liked him, too. We started seeing each other occasionally, but it wasn't anything frequent, b/c he had sole custody of his kids, and didn't really have much time to socialize.
This went on for about a month, and then he backed off. He stopped calling and coming to my house, and suddenly, we were back to co-workers only. We still saw each other every day at work, but had to keep away from each other due to rumors that were circulating about us (big no-fraternization policy). So eventually it went back to the way it was before we professed our feelings for each other. Then last week, he followed me out to my car and we started talking, and he explained that he just wasn't ready at the time to be with me, b/c of the rumors at work getting bad, and his kids starting to ask where he was going at night and who he was talking to on the phone. Having just gotten out of a marriage, and still dealing with drama with his soon-to-be-ex-wife, he just didn't need any more issues to deal with at the time.
He said that he did want to be with me, that it was just going to take some time to get his life settled down, which I completely understand. He's not even been separated 4 months yet, and has 3 kids to help work through the ordeal. But here's my issue...
I see and talk to him every day at work, and have no choice in that, b/c we're now on a lot of the same projects, but I'm finding that the more time I spend talking to him, the more time I want to spend with him, and it's not going to happen any time soon. We can't see or talk to each other outside of work, but I want to. He just has too many things going on right now to try to add me into the mix. So how long do I wait for him to "get ready"? He's said that once we start dating, it's going to be probably at least 6 months or more before he thinks about introducing me to his kids, but if he can't ever make time to see me, how are we supposed to get to that point? How long is long enough to let him get his stuff together before I start asking him if we can start doing stuff together outside of work? And how do I deal with the want I have inside me to be with him when I have to see him every day and it's torture?

I would not "wait" at all. I would get out and date other people, and if you're still available if and when he's ready to start dating, great. If not, presumably you will have found someone you care about, so that's ok too!
In the meantime, keep your contact with him at work to a minimum...only what being professional requires.
Sheri