How long would you wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
How long would you wait?
7
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:53pm
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I am deeply in love with him. He is an awesome boyfriend and we have an excellent relationship and spend so much time together. Now here is the problem. I'm ready for my dream to come true marriage and kids. In a couple of years I will turn 30 and I feel like my biological clock is ticking very loudly. I always wanted to have my first child before I turned 30 and it hasn't happened. I also don't see any sign of him proposing to me either. I don't know if the problem is that he is younger than me (he is 24 and I'm 28) which is why he isn't interested in marriage. My question is how much longer would you wait for your boyfriend to propose? I really love my boyfriend dearly but I also don't want to wait around another year or even two more years without him proposing. I'm afraid that we will end up breaking up and it will be a waste of my time since I have to start over with someone new and I'm not getting any younger. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:14pm

At least two years, and that's at the very least.

I respect the fact that you say you're almost 30 and you want to marry and get on with your goal of starting a family. But let's look at everything else: he's 24, which means there's a good chance that he isn't ready for marriage AND chances are the man he'll be at 30 is quite different from the man he is now at 24.

Additionally, I don't know how much thought you've given to all the many things you need to learn about him, his values and morals, goals for the future, his expectations in marriage versus your own, how he expects to parent/raise his children, etc. There's so much to learn and even after giving it a couple of years to really know a person well and see him at his worst, you're bound to learn things after marriage that you'll WISH you had learned prior to saying "I do."

My advice? Slow down, take your time in getting to know him, and try not to worry about your biological clock. If it is God's will for you to have a child or children, you'll have them according to His plans for you.

All the best,
Heymum

P.S. Since the two of you have been together for 10 months, you're just now passing the stage of infatuation. Now you'll begin to see more of who he really is and his true character and personality. In time, you'll be able to better ascertain IF he's the right man for you. Whether or not he is the right man isn't determined by your desire to marry nor is it determined by your goal to start having children by a certain age. It is determined by being the right individuals for each other and sharing the same set of values and principles in life (in addition to the love you share).

Conversely, if he isn't the right man for you, trust me when I say that you do NOT want to settle in marrying him for *ANY* reason.




Edited 10/12/2005 5:23 pm ET by heymum
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:10pm
If he wants to marry you, he will, it has nothing to do with age or timing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:19pm

Well, here's something to think about. You say your relationship is wonderful - well, why have the two of you not discussed the topic of your future? I think this is just so critical to discuss - you each deserve to know what the other wants out of this relationship and "where" the other is. You're right, you can't waste time with a guy who may not be ready for marriage. And don't you deserve to know now if that's the case? I'm not saying he isn't ready - he may be - but if he was, don't you think it would have come up in conversation by now?

Here's what my DBF and I did - we got all the awkward stuff out of the way early. On one of our first dates, he asked me what I wanted in the way of marriage, family, etc. We have been together only four months, but we often talk about our future together. I know what he wants down to the point that his kids have to have his last name. It's important that we want the same things - or are willing to find a compromise.

I totally know how you feel - I'm also approaching 30 and really want to get married and have children soon. But more importantly, I want to do those things with the right partner. So I've decided that que sera sera...yes, I wanted to have a child by 30, but if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to run out and get pregnant by any old guy just so I meet that (fairly arbitrary) deadline. You can always have children a few years later than intended.

Too many people settle for the wrong relationship. Either get comfortable with what you have, or recognize that if you want something different than he does, you may not find it together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 7:13pm

<< If he wants to marry you, he will, it has nothing to do with age or timing.>>

I disagree. While it can often have nothing to do with age, for men (most) it has A LOT to do with timing ... as many, if not most men, want to have accomplished certain things, acheived a certain level of 'providership' before even entertaining the thought of marriage. To a certain degree, many men do not want to be emasculated by entering marriage on a less-than-equal providership scale than their wife. A pride thing, perhaps? Most women don't struggle with this issue, while for a guy, it has a lot to do with it being the "right time" in their lives. Women, on the other hand, tend to believe more in the "love conquers all" concept ... therefore, timing is a moot point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:09am

Being brutally honest, I would have to say if you feel the way you do and he isn't talking about a future with you I'd "cut bait". You said it yourself, if you stay with him another year only to break up with him then you will have felt you "wasted time".

Honestly, if you think spending time with him is a "waste" unless it ends in marriage you probably shouldn't keep seeing him anyway. Truly loving someone shouldn't be a waste of your time no matter the outcome.

It seems your focus is on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on meeting a deadline to get married and start a family your primary concern should be finding the RIGHT person to marry and build a family with. Someone you love and respet and trust and can count on. Someone who shares your values. Not just whoever is handy now that the annoying buzzer on your biological clock is going off.

Too many people get married to meet a deadline only to find themselves married and unhappy because that didn't find a partner that was well suited to them. Instead they found someone they "loved" when the time crunch hit. Put that biological clock alarm on snooze and put the focus of your search where it should be finding a man you would love even if it was a "waste of time" in the reproductive sense.

Having babies is not the be all and end all of your existance and you've got PLENTY of time to do it. Don't let your biological urge to procreate override your good sense in finding a suitable partner for raising a family with otherwsie you could very well wind up married with two kids and completely miserable.

Put the cart back behind the horse and worry about finding the right man and then and ONLY THEN worry about starting that family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:14pm

<<<>>>

I disagree here. Truly loving someone means that you'd want to share your life with this person (this is romantic love). You can love someone and it doesn't matter about an outcome but this is the type of love you'd have with a sister, a mother, a father, a friend. Romantic love that doesn't work out is very painful, and it is a scary thing to keep putting in years and years with someone if in the end they choose someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:44pm
Wow, I am in exactly the same situation....umm, except 30 yrs on. Seriously, we have known each other for 9 months now and I am madly in love with him. (No plans for babies: I never wanted kids, never had kids, and now people expect me to have grandchildren! Same with him.) I'm trying to figure out the best plan to get him to think in terms of a permanent future together--because I have a "biological clock" that is ticking too, in its own way! :)