How to not take it personal.. time alone
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| Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:52pm |
I have been seriously dating this guy for close to four months now, and things are going great. I am 37, separated for about a year and a half, he is 32 and separated for about the same amount of time. I have a 16 yo daughter and he has a 6 yr old. He has his daughter every other weekend and one night a week.
My question is this. The guy is very loving, very present, and is at my house almost every night, except on nights when he is tired or has worked overtime etc. So far he also has spent every other weekend with me when he does not have his daughter.
So logically speaking, I know I should not complain. He does not even go out with the guys very often, it has happened once or twice in all the time we have been together, and not because I am asking him not to. Now once in a while, especially on weekends when he has his daughter, I don't spend as much time with him. I see him maybe like in the evening on Friday or Saturday or both, but during the day it is more seldom. For instance yesterday (Sunday) was a gorgeous day, and we spent the day apart (he came over after he dropped off his daughter at her mom's - after 6:30 pm). He simply expressed that he needed some time alone or space or whatever you want to call it.. but would like to see me that night. And again, logically speaking I don't think he is being unreasonable, I know that men especially, but not only men, need some alone time to relax and unwind and just take it easy.
Knowing all this in my head, I still struggle in figuring out how to not take it personally. When we are together, he is very affectionate. And yesterday he even said that he too sometimes feels lonely, and that lately he has been thining a lot about us moving in together, but he says there are a lot of things to consider and he just wants to make sure before he takes the big step. So I know he is serious about us.
Any encouragements/tips would be appreciated.
tks
R

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It seems that having things you enjoy doing by yourself or with other people would be a good solution.
I guess I'm not sure what you mean by taking it personally though. What's to take personally?
Sheri
Well, in my mind you've already taken a step in a positive direction just by acknowledging that you're feelings while perfectly normal and understandable are a little irrational.
I've found the best way to overcome feelings that I don't like or that I know are irrational is to understand where they are coming from; why I feel the way I do; even though I logical understand the feeling doesn't make much sense.
Here's one possibility, but there are many so use some of his alone time as a way to more closely examine your feelings... It hurts your feelings that he chooses to spend time away from you. That's perfectly normal. Now, why does it hurt your feelings?
Maybe it's because you don't have enough interests outside the relationship, so you become bored when you aren't able to spend time with him. Maybe it's because you're still a little insecure about the relationship and where it's headed.
Both are easily solved: cultivate more friendships and hobbies outside your relationship; tlak to him about your insecurities in a constructive way. Maybe if you approach him he would be willing to talk about what needs his alone time fulfills so you better understand it and that might help make you more secure that his choice to spend time away from you isn't about him not choosing to be with you but that he simply needs quiet time alone.
Both my husband and I enjoy our own company and have a certain amount of time we need to ourselves and I need time to cultivate my female friendships. We've found ways to balance our needs for independence and time for ourselves with the needs of our relationship. You can most definitely do the same. Just get those lines of communication open. The better you you know where your feelings are coming from the better youo can articulate that to your bf in a postitive way and find soemthing that works for both of you.
Spend time putting yourself in his shoes and try to guess why he might need this time. Men aren't great at articulating their feelings and women tend to be great empathizers. This can work to your advantage if handled with respect and sensitivity. Your bf may not be able to articulate why he needs this time, if you put yourself in his shoes you might be able to pose your guesses as questions to him. For example, "Do you just need sometime periodically to wind down from work? or is it because you just need a break from life responsibilities so mindless me time?"
By asking these questions you're helping him to put words to feelings he may not be able to and if he hasn't given it much thought you're giving him an opportunity to think about it and giving those thoughts some structure. It can help BOTH of you understand him better. Just remember to leave a lot of long pauses to let him think and give him a chance to talk. It's only natural to fill dead air time in a conversation especially if we're talking about soemthing that makes us a little nervous or that we are strongly invested in.
The key to not taking it personally is in understanding it; understanding why you feel the way you do and understanding why he needs what he does. Then all you have to do is talk and find a way to balance the needs. There's almost always a way. It may require time and patience to get there but as long as you're dealing with two relatively mature adult people you can make it. You just have to learn to understand and how to talk effectively.
Thanks for your replies guys. I guess I already know the answers to those questions, Nick. i.e. why he needs time alone, I guess like you say, most people need time to recharge and need time to do their own little thing at their own pace I guess. I don't think it's because he wants to be 'away from me'.
I think I may be a bit clingy unfortunately. I chased away my ex husband by being too clingy I think. So now I am trying to be careful not to smother him, that's why I don't even ask a million questions when he says he needs time alone. Like Sunday, I just expressed to him how sometimes I miss the 'Sunday family time' that I used to have. He replied that he misses it too, and has been thinking a lot lately about moving in together, but is a bit scared to take the big step. After all it's only been over 3 months. He wants to make sure everything has been taken into consideration first. But he also said 'sorry we didn't do anything today' and explained that he was feeling 'blah' and tired and just needed some time for himself (and his daughter) to just relax at home.
I wish he would have invited me to join them there, but I guess that is where the 'spending time alone' comes into play, even if he has his daughter I guess it's not the same as having your gf around. Friday night I was taking care of my brother's baby at his house, and he was planning on keeping me company, but then said he was tired, but later got a bit of energy but went to see his friend at his business and they had a few beers together, and he went back home at 11:30. Didn't try to hide it from me, I guess for him there was just a slight change of plans. My take is he hadn't seen his friend in quite a while and he just decided to go see if he was at his shop, and decided to stop in for a chat. Another thing I have to consider, is we are different people, I'm more someone who likes structure and to plan ahead a little, he is more a 'go with the flow' kind of person, like most men I would say.
Anyway thanks again for your tips. I just don't want to make him feel squeezed or look insecure by asking him why he wants his time alone, I guess I just have to reason it out
;)
r
Edited 11/1/2005 12:19 pm ET by rapunzele
From a guys point of view, I would recommend giving him all the space he needs. There is not many things more loving that a woman can do than just let a man have his space. I can't tell you that enough. Pressure + being needy + questions = VERY BAD. He's with you a lot, and if I read the posts correctly, you don't have kids. Raising kids can be very draining at times. I know you want to be the 'soft place for him to land' during those times, and you will be sometimes, just not all the time.
I've been in your place before. So, if I can be blunt, I think you're *addicted* to how he makes you feel when you're together. It's no different than drug or alcohol addiction. You can't get enough of him, and you can't understand why he doesn't feel the same way. It's not healthy. You want to call it love, but it's a little more whacked than that. Remember, I'm speaking from experience in YOUR shoes. You're aware that your feelings aren't rational, so you will do better.
I agree with the other ladies post to find a few more things to be involved in. It's helps to have some other distractions. I wish you the best...
Hi man ;)
Thanks for your male point of view, that helps a lot too. Yeah I guess I feel that if I enjoy being with him, he should enjoy it as much as I do. That's where i guess I need to reason that every individual is different, we can't assume the other one should be feeling the same way we do. Plus he's a man, therefore from another planet than me ha ha.
We don't have kids together, but we each have a kid of our own. My 16 yo lives with me - but is hardly ever home ;) and his 6 yo he sees every other weekend and sometimes a night during the week.
I should add that at the beginning, after a couple weeks I broke up with him, cuz I wasn't sure. He did most of the chasing. Even now, I try to let him come to me vs. me bugging him. Once in a while I'll initiate contact, I mean after all we do have a relationship we can't play chase all the time, but I see what you're saying about him just wanting to be by himself.
Let me ask you this.. do you think men have a greater need for time apart than women do as a rule? I know that if he was always clingy with me I might be the one saying 'woe', but generally speaking is it possible men need more time away, and also need more bonding with friends time as well?
Also from your point of view, would you be pretty confident that it has nothing to do with him not loving me / wanting to be with me as much as I love him? That it's just normal behaviour?
Feel free to add anything else that comes to your mind :)
R
Oh,
And I'd just like to add that when you say I'm addicted to how he makes me feel, I think I make him feel just as good if not better. He even said at one point (at the beginning but still I still think it applies up to a point as he keeps saying he's comfy w. me and like to be w. me).. that he finds himself wanting to be with me every night.
I don't know if my making him feel as good as he makes me feel changes anything? just thought I'd add that bit of info.
That's my point. You see your attraction as being EXACTLY the same as his. It's not, BUT IT'S OK. While you would want to be with him every waking moment, he has proven to you he can take a day 'off' from you. Once again, it doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.
You're going to be fine; just give him his space.
Thanks
But then how would you explain that he was first to say that he could fall in love with me so easy, and he was the one to make it known he was into me, and the one who wouldn't give up when I walked away, and who expressed first that he loves me, etc etc.. That to me shows that his attraction is as strong to me as mine is to him, not based on feelings, but based on his words / actions.
I'm not trying to argue with you here, I'm just trying to see if we can be on the same level (i.e. equally in love with one another) and he would still need his time on his own? Just trying to make sense of it all..
(Respectfully) the fact that you're still asking the same questions about this over and over, tells me a lot. :-)
Love doesn't have to be equal on both sides of the table. But it must feel right and acceptable to both. Just accept the fact that he cares about you and run with it.
Ok maybe there is a bit of an addiction going on, I don't deny that, it is a possibility, and I won't shoot it down without considering it.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'the fact that you ask the same questions over and over tells me a lot'. All I was doing was adding some elements of information so that you or other people on this board could make better informed comments. I just thought that the fact that he was the one who did most of the chasing and the fact that he is very present in my life was an indication that he was into me as much as I was into him, but was just wondering if the 'needing alone time' was more of a guy thing and a less prominent 'need' for women. I did not mean to try and convince anyone of anything, just stating facts a bit more clearly is all.
but thanks for your honesty,
r
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