How to not take it personal.. time alone
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| Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:52pm |
I have been seriously dating this guy for close to four months now, and things are going great. I am 37, separated for about a year and a half, he is 32 and separated for about the same amount of time. I have a 16 yo daughter and he has a 6 yr old. He has his daughter every other weekend and one night a week.
My question is this. The guy is very loving, very present, and is at my house almost every night, except on nights when he is tired or has worked overtime etc. So far he also has spent every other weekend with me when he does not have his daughter.
So logically speaking, I know I should not complain. He does not even go out with the guys very often, it has happened once or twice in all the time we have been together, and not because I am asking him not to. Now once in a while, especially on weekends when he has his daughter, I don't spend as much time with him. I see him maybe like in the evening on Friday or Saturday or both, but during the day it is more seldom. For instance yesterday (Sunday) was a gorgeous day, and we spent the day apart (he came over after he dropped off his daughter at her mom's - after 6:30 pm). He simply expressed that he needed some time alone or space or whatever you want to call it.. but would like to see me that night. And again, logically speaking I don't think he is being unreasonable, I know that men especially, but not only men, need some alone time to relax and unwind and just take it easy.
Knowing all this in my head, I still struggle in figuring out how to not take it personally. When we are together, he is very affectionate. And yesterday he even said that he too sometimes feels lonely, and that lately he has been thining a lot about us moving in together, but he says there are a lot of things to consider and he just wants to make sure before he takes the big step. So I know he is serious about us.
Any encouragements/tips would be appreciated.
tks
R

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the "asking the same questions" means you're not getting it. Your bf REACTS differently than you, butyou're not accepting that. You WANT him to ACT the same as you, because he FEELS the same. That's not how it works.
He could actually love you more than you love him, however, the way he SHOWS it can be completely and 100% different.
Go read The 5 Love Languages. It explains how ppl love differently and show their love differently. You need him around, because to you, that's him showing you love. That's kinda how you need to be shown love (due to being clingy, insecure, whatevers). However, for him, he needs his space.
So, if you don't just accept it, and become okay with it, it will push him away. I am the type of woman that used to be very clingy. I was very insecure and I always felt that if he doesn't want to be with me, he must not love me as much as I love him, because I ALWAYS want to be with him. However, I learned that's not true. They can love me just as much, but some ppl need downtime, space, time with friends. Not everyone is a loner like me. HOWEVER, I also realized, I need downtime too. There were days when I'd actually tell my xbf that I needed to be alone. No noise, no sound, just quiet. And then, later, I'd feel okay, and go see a gf. Thankfully, he never cared. And if he did, I can honestly tell you, I'd start to get resentful, irate, become more distant, and eventaully tell him he's too clingy.
So. What I would do is ask yourself. WHY are you clingy? Why are you needy? Why does he need to be with you 24/7 to prove his love to you? I'm not saying beat yourself up for being clingy, but I think, seeing the truth about it, can help you overcome it, and help you deal with it.
BTW, I still missed and hated when my xbf would go do things with his buddies or want to be alone, but I also understood it and never complained and never became bitter or resentful about it. Remember, the more you FAKE it w/o truly feeling it or understanding it, the better the chances you'll start to resent it, and start demanding he be with you more.
Hugs. good luck.
Hey I can totally relate. My BF has the same "need for alone time" and I have the same tendency to feel insecure and clingy when he does! It caused a little trouble early on in our relationship, but we have gotten past it very nicely at this point (been together a bit over a year now). You know what I did? This is going to sound funny. I started pretending like I needed alone time for myself, too. I set up a standing "date night" with just myself once a week, and planned some kind of fun activity to do. A couple things happened as a result:
- I started looking forward to something else other than my time with him. It's kind of an ego boost...
- He started planning his alone time to coincide with my "date night." We stopped having any conflict over him wanting time alone and me wanting to be with him.
- I think he just generally felt less pressure from me. Once the pressure was off, the relationship could really blossom.
Hope this helps!
You need to learn to accept the ways he is different from you. You're tempted to try to force him to act a certain way becasue that would be easier and more comforting for you and that's certainly understandable and it's VERY admirable that you are resisting that urge. You need to keep resisting it. If you try to force love to be what you think it "should" be you'll kill it.
However, that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't honestly express your point of view or your feelings. Part of being in love and being loved is being able to talk to each other. I honestly believe having a heart to heart with him would be very healthy and reassuring to both of you. Let him know how you feel, but avoid saying "you make me feel". Take responsibility for your own feelings. When you say "you make me feel" it puts the blame and responsibility for your feelings on someone else and that can make the other person defensive and that defensiveness may even come across as anger.
These are your feelings, take ownership of them when you talk to him the same way you have when you've posted. Make sure he knows you're just letting him know how you feel, not that you expect him to fix anything or that he's done anything wrong in your eyes.
Let him know you love him and want to be with him. Let him know how you feel about the idea of moving in together. Let him know how you feel about things haing moved so quickly. Talk to him. For all you know his hesitation to move in, to give up more of his alone time, etc. is all because he isn't getting enough feed back from you. Maybe he's afraid YOU aren't ready to move in together, YOU think things moved too fast, YOU still have fears and doubts, YOU are still thinking things might not work out...
After all have you told him how you feel about any of this or have you been so afraid of running him off and crowding him that you haven't told him anything. A guy who loves you isn't going to feel pressured because you let him know you love him back or that you love spending time with him unless you take it to a clingy needy level.
Asking him to cancel plans all the time or crying when he decides he needs some alone time, that would be crazy clingy needy level. Having an honest discussion about how you feel including letting him know you'd love to see him more isn't.
Alone time is often just about feeling free to be you, pure unadulterated you, and knowing there is no one around to judge you. You've only been together three months he probably is still in that stage where he wants to impress you and is afraid if he does something "wrong" you may decide to dump him. If you work to create an environment where he feels free to be himself and that he isn't being judged his need to be physically alone will probably deminish. A big part of that is just letting him know you accept him and love him exactly as he is. So keep letting him know it's okay for him to need his alone time but that you'll take all the time you can get because you love being with him.
Talk to him; if you can't be honest with each other and talk to each other and learn to talk about what makes you different and work things out as a team, you've got nothing.
Inkeddogmom and Vivinny
Thank you so very much for your posts. They really, really help. And believe it or not, but I find them encouraging too. Maybe because I find I'm not alone feeling that way, you have too in the past, and were able to overcome that feeling and/or find ways to change the way you look at things and react. (This relationship is still fresh so I'm giving myself some credit here ;))
Inkeddogmom:
Your explanations and tips are bang on. I do believe that he loves me, otherwise he wouldn't be with me most of the time. But I guess I just need reinforcement from the knowledge that even if we don't think or feel or act the same way, does not mean the love is not shared. It is also good to hear from others that from their experiences, some people do need their down time, and it does not mean they don't love as much. I can understand you very well because I, too, am a sort of a loner. I don't need to be surrounded by people & have tons of friends. I just need a few good ones, and don't need to see them as often. He on the other hand, is sociable and likes talking, chatting, meeting with people. Also you are so right when you say that if he did not give you the time YOU needed for yourself, you would start to feel smothered. I can understand that. I think I might too after a while. I actually broke up with a boyfriend (many many moons ago) because I felt like I didn't have a minute to myself anymore and it freaked me out. Thanks for reminding me of that. Thanks again, I will take your advice seriously.
Vivinny:
Thanks for sharing your experience, and how you were able to find a quick and easy solution. That is very good advice. Maybe I'll resort to that if I see that his need for downtime could benefit from something like that. However in our case, it's a bit more complicated cuz we each have kids, and he has his daughter every other weekend and one night a week usually, so that comes into play as well, but I still like the idea that it's good to have a night just for ourselves and to make the most of it, do things we can't do when he's around. You are so right about the pressure. Like 'manwhoneedshelp' said in one of his posts, I guess one of the best things I can do to show him I love him is to let him be himself, and try not to control him. And I'm sure that can only improve the relationship. Now if I can only work on not letting it bother me when his ex-wife keeps calling him for all kinds of stupid reasons..again trying to control that would be like trying to control him.. he's a big boy and I need to trust him.. but hey that's another story ha ha.
So bottom line guys is this is going to help me reason myself and understand it's ok and I need not take it personal.. as you said inkeddogmom, the first thought in my mind would originally be ' if he doesn't want to be with me, he must not love me as much as I love him, because I ALWAYS want to be with him.' It was a relief to see that I was not alone who felt that way, you also did at one point, and explained why that is not necessarily the case.
I am doing pretty good so far, by not trying to control him or make him feel guilty when he wants to do things with friends or daughter or by himself. I just needed the ammo to help me stay on the right track so to speak, because I know how easy it would be to start being irrational, and sometimes we just need reinforcement & encouragement from others and the knowledge that it is ok and normal for people to see things differently. You have helped achieve what I was seeking, to help me not to take it personal, and why.
Hugs to both of you,
Rachel
Edited 11/2/2005 8:57 am ET by rapunzele
Thanks Nick
Good advice. We do talk, and yes I feel free to express how I feel. We even discussed how it's ok with me if he wants to have some time to go out w. his buddies for a beer once in a while, but that if he made a habit of going out with his friends 2-3 times every week, I might have a problem with that. His response was Oh my God no, he just wants to feel free to go out with his friends once in a while if he is invited and spend some time with them every now and then, on occasion. The only time it got a bit heated was when I told him I didn't agree with him going out to clubs, and he said he did not see a problem with it in a context where if all the guys were somewhere having a drink and they all decided to go to the club, he can't see why I couldn't trust him. I just explained that I didn't see what he would want to do in a club, cuz they're meat markets. But he explained that he would not intentionally plan on going out to a club, and that clubs don't appeal to him, but would just not want to have his head bitten off if it ever happened. So we basically came to an agreement on that. That we need to trust each other no matter what.
But he has not expressed any interest or desire to go out clubbing in the 4 months we have been together, I guess he just wanted to make it clear that he did not want to feel restricted so to speak. I have also expressed from time to time how I miss him, like this last Sunday, as I said in a previous post, I expressed how I felt a little nostalgic, such a beautiful day and no one to share it with. And when he came to see me that night, he said he was actually flattered that I was missing him.
About moving in together, I have let him know that I would be open, but that I do not want to bring it up, and prefer to wait for him to be ready. But you are right, he might be a bit insecure too.. for instance last night, he asked me if he should come over. I responded 'if you feel like it, sure' he responded 'wow that was not too convincing' and I had to explain that I always like him to come over, but only want him to come if he really feels like it. So yeah maybe he does need me to let him know I like having him around, without me being clingy or needy. I liked how you made the difference between wanting to be with someone, and being clingy as in crying when he wants to be alone etc. I would never dream of acting that way ha ha. So I guess it is healthy for me to let him know I want to be with him, but sometimes I don't want to overdo it cuz I don't want to appear too dependent on him. you know? Sometimes I find it hard to strike a good balance.
But I think that I'm doing pretty good so far in expressing how I feel and why I feel certain ways, without blaming him or making him feel bad. And he does not ask for that much alone time. I just needed help on dealing with it when he does and understanding it's ok.
And I know what you're saying about expressing how I would like more time with him, but I guess in our situation, considering that does not happen very often, my best course of action would be to accept it and make him feel good about it.
Telling him you accept that he needs his alone time but will take all the time you can get because you like being with him.. does that not appear to be too dependent on him? That's what I mean when I say it's hard to strike a good balance. It's important to let him know I like having him around & that I love him, and I have expressed that to him.. but I do not want to cross the line and appear dependent on him or that I don't have a life you know..
thanks again Nick, you give great advice,
hugs
r
Honestly it sounds like you're doing an excellent job of kind of self-checking your emotions and in expressing yourself when you're ready too.
Just wait until you find the right words and you feel comfortable articulating your feelings to him.
One thing I had HUGE issues with an ex on was he couldn't see the difference between being able to depend on someone and being dependant on them or the difference between WANTING to be with someone and NEEDING to be with them. He didn't understand that being dependant and needy were not a healthy expression of love, they were instead signs of insecurity and codependecny issues.
I can tell YOU do understand those subtle differences. When you talk to him about wanting to spend as much time with him as you can or about being ready to take the next step and move in together, just be sure to clearly articulate that these are things you WANT not things that you have to have for your happiness or for your relationship to continue, you are merely expressing your desires.
My husband and I both like the fact that we don't need each other. We were both happy alone before we met and we both know we would be happy again if we ever had to part. We don't want that to happen, but we would accept and move on and be happy. To our way of thinking that just shows we are happy, emotionally healthy people. Interdependence is one thing, codependence is another think entirely.
Heck you could even just bring the subject up for disccusion. Under the guise of talking about an online friend who was having issues because she was too needy and codepenant you could say how you disagree with that sort of thinking and how glad you are that your relationship is based on a mutual desire to be together rather then on need and insecurity.
You'll be fine. Everything you're posting about feeling is a perfectly normal healthy part of falling in love with someone and wanting to be with them. Just keep using your head as much as you do your heart and you've got nothing to worry about.
Thanks Nick
You are very kind. I like how you are to the point yet not judgemental or harsh. I also feel that I keep it balanced most of the time, but it is nice to have someone neutral tell you that you're doing ok you know? I think we all need the positive reinforcement from time to time.
The fact that I have been burned recently makes it a bit harder for me in a sense that these bad experiences created a sense of insecurity, but being aware of these 'bloquages' (sorry I'm french and can't find the right word in english) helps me try and rationalize and try to reason myself before acting on my emotions. I think that is what they call using your reasoning brain vs your emotional brain. Sometimes I fail, but not very often ;).
Makes sense when you say that deep down I know I can be happy even if this doesn't work out. I know I would be unhappy for a while and would need to grieve, but I also know after going through a 13 year marriage breakdown and getting back on my feet, that if I could do it once with such a significant relationship, I can do it again, knowing it'll hurt but that life goes on and we can choose to be happy again, step by step. So I take solace in this knowledge sometimes when I begin to think about how sad I would be if we broke up.
Oh well, who said life was easy huh? It's all a set of experiences we have to go through and have to make the most of while keeping damage to ourselves and others to a minimum.
Have a great afternoon,
Rachel
Thanks Rachel, that's very sweet of you. I try not to be harsh, though sometiems I fail miserably at it. :)
Were all only human, all we can do, to use a very American expression, is "keep on, keepin' on." We all struggle to find the balance between using our reasoning brain and our emotional brain, as you so aptly put it. I've found sleeping on it or just giving myself a break form things for a day or two thinking about something else often gives me persepctive makes things easier to sort through. Some people meditate, I think for me cleaning my house is my meditation. My husband always knows when I'm upset because the house is spotless.
I know one of my greatest assets when my husband and I first meet were the friends who helped keep me grounded and let me know I wasn't crazy I was just human.
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