how to tell how a man feels about you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
how to tell how a man feels about you
6
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 7:15pm

Hello everyone... Ok here goes my novel. So I met the man of my dreams back in June, I say the man of my dreams because if I could create my ideal man - personality, looks, everything - this would be him! His name is Jack. We met in the Bahamas while on vacation, I was with my family and he was there alone. Fortunately it turns out he only lives 15 minutes away from me in NY! From the moment I met him I felt like it was fate and meant to be. We had a great time on our trip, talked had GREAT conversation, partied, did a little hooking up - but no sex. I gave him my number and he said he would keep in touch. Well 2 weeks after my return, he called. I was so excited and so happy to hear from him I had butterflies in my stomach when I heard from him. For a while I thought, "Thats it - I will never see him again" I was so upset, but my sister kept assuring me "Don't worry he will call". We made plans to get together and finally saw eachother again in July. Being that he lives so close to me, it's very convenient for us to get together, although he does work a very crazy job so our hours don't match up very well. I have seen him about 5 times so far since July. August we did not see eachother at all because he was in training for his job, so basically we got together 3 times in July and twice in September. Our dates have been great! He has come to my house and we have gone out, and we have also gone out by his house. He slept over my house once, and I stayed at his house like 3 times. In fact I just stayed over there this past Sunday night!

Anyway, here is my dilemma! I like this guy, I like him A LOT! In the very beginning in the bahamas we spoke about relationships and he was saying how he wanted no part of a relationship at all. His ex-girlfriend left him back in March for a married man, and he really got hurt bad. But I am divorced, so I know all about being hurt. Ok so, I know off the bat that he doesn't want a girlfriend, and that's okay. I don't wanna rush into anything myself, but the problem is I LIKE HIM!! We have the best times together, and it's not like it's a booty call! We hang out, laugh, talk, we are friends and when we are together it FEELS like it's so right. The only thing that I don't like is that I don't see him much, and he isn't a fone person so we hardly talk on the phone - but I guess a lot of men are like that.
So let me ask everyone, how can I tell how he feels about me? What are signs I should look for? How will I know if this will become something more serious? Right now it's just going with the flow, but I would love to know what is goin on in his head.
We have never gone out on a REAL date, like dinner or a movie - it's always been out to drinks, play darts, or movies at the house - so is there a way I can ask him out on a date, or is that a no-no?? HELP PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:45am

to me, the best sign that a man really wants to have a relationship is when he makes time for you. When he's not *too busy* to see you and makes you a higher priority than other things in his life.

Personally, I don't buy the crazy work schedule excuse. If his work is more important than me, then I know he's really not into me. Or else, he's a work-a-holic which in itself is a deal breaker.

Yes, you can ask him out. However, after all this time, I would imagine that he would have already asked you if he'd been wanting that type of relationship. From the way he's acting, I think he sees you as a friend only.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:05am

It sounds like maybe you need to talk to him about his.

I have to agree with the other poster, if you can count the number of dates you've had on two hands in three months and he only leaves 15 minuites away, there better be a really good reason for it. Short of him traveling 20 days oout of the month or being a doctor in his resindency at a hospital I can't think of a good reaosn he's seen you and talked to you so little.

Even non-phone guys will call or email daily or every other day when they really dig a girl and want to get closer to her. They may slow down that pattern after they establish the relationship but in the beginning they'll step it up and be sure to see you and talk to you often.

Sorry, but I just don't think he's as in to you as you are in to him. I'd either talk to him about it or bail and cut my losses if I were you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:55am

This has all the signs of a casual, FWB type of relationship. If you're really ok with that, then continue to see him...but I don't think you would have posted if you were.

When a man says he is not looking for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM! That is not going to change. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to rush into a relationship, as you seem to think, it means he doesn't want a relationship PERIOD. He's all for sex and companionship, on his terms, but that's all it's going to be. Ok, maybe there's a .001 percent chance he will change his mind, but do you really want to take those odds?

As far as asking him out on a date, sure, why not? It won't affect anything one way or the other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 11:42am
It really sucks when you like someone and ur unsure of their feelings. He seems like he wants to be very casual and that is unfair when ur heart is already involved. I would say pull out while you are still strong. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:23pm

I agree with Sheri (as I usually do, ha!) If a guy says "I'm not looking for a relationship" and he was upfront about that in the beginning ... BELIEVE HIM!

As it is currently, you may not want a relationship right now either ... it sounds like you want him to WANT TO date you ... but, you guys aren't really dating, either.

I'd agree that ... sounds like he wants to carry over the "casual nature" of your meeting on vacation and keep that casual thing going close to home. He enjoys your company, companionship, but that's as far as he'll take it.

It's on his time, his terms. If you want him to take you out, etc ... what you have to do is give him the motivation to do so. Casual = hanging out on his house watching movies. Dating = going OUT to movies.

So, what's the worst that could happen if you STOP going over to his house to watch movies, spending the night, etc? What's the worst that could happen if you decline his invitations to "hang out?" ... the WORST that could happen is that it goes no further. In which case, you'd be better off for knowing that that's all he wanted, right?

The BEST case is that, if you start declining what is on his time and his terms, that he may think "hmmm, you know I really do enjoy spending time with this girl, perhaps I COULD be making an effort!" ... and he'll ask you OUT.

But, guarantee that if ... if it's mostly on his time, terms, what he wants to do, that he'll "take what he can get" because he doesn't have the motivation to WANT to do more than he has to. Guarantee that, if you retreat a little, SHOW HIM that you are worth purusing ... that he will if he wants to spend time with you and get to know you better. Just saying, don't make yourself too available, ok? That's the only way you'll really know what's going on in his head ... if you make him wonder what he might be missing ... then you'll know his motivation.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 7:33am

My advice is find somone who can't wait to see you.

I have had my share of relationships like the one you discribed. they are looking for someone to share a bit of time with but not be their focus. YOu are setting your self up for a help of hurt. I did this , and i am in that heap now!