How to tell if EX wants something real?
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| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:13pm |
Hi there,
So it's 4 months to the day that my 'pseudo' EX and I ended things. It was an on-again, off-again sort of gray-area relationship for over a year (theoretically 8 times). I went from being not sure about him to really having strong feelings. When it ended in July (I confronted him saying I wanted to make it real to see where it could go), I was very upset and struggled with accepting that he only wanted to be 'friends' even though I really thought for sure he felt more for me than that. He said he thought he might have come to feel that way in time, but he wasn't there yet so couldn't continue seeing me, knowing I felt stronger than him. Anyway, we barely saw each other in the 4 months - until maybe a few weeks ago when we started having lunch sometimes and communicating a bit more via email or msn. One night he talked to me late and said how nice it would be if I came over but after chatting about it he said 'calmer heads should prevail' and I declined to go over that night. I emailed him a week or so later saying how I missed him, and think about him a lot, even before the late night chat (to try to convey that it isn't just about sex for me)
A couple of more weeks passed and I ran into him this weekend at 'our' pub hangout. We were both very happy to run into each other, my friend who never met him thought he seemed into me. He asked me for a ride home (lives very close to me) and I gave him one. When we got to his place we sat and looked at each other and he asked if I wanted to come in... and I did. I actually felt very nervous. I guess I was kind of scared because I didn't want it to just be a 'friends with benefits' experience... I would really like the chance to hang out again for real and see if we could actually be good together. We have never really committed to anything and I feel like the uncertainty of our status is what kept things so confusing and prone to the on-off syndrome.
The only other thing I can say is that nothing happened for a long time when I went in.. we just lay together watching tv. He's not the kind of guy to jump a girl - very shy and definitely doesn't seem just out for sex - it was more about being together than sex with us although we did end up having sex that night and I stayed over. He said he usually can't sleep with 'company' and to not take offence if he was in the spare room when I woke up but he ended up sleeping with me all night... I was surprised to still see him beside me the next day. The only other thing is when I was leaving he shook my hand instead of giving me a hug or something! I am sure he was just trying to be funny (he's like that) and his roommate was standing in the hallway - but I couldn't help but think he was sending a message that it wasn't more than a fun night : (
So what do I do now? I have no idea where his head is... he knows I've been thinking about him a lot becuase I've told him. I know he cares about me and I'd like to think he wouldn't take me down a path that would get me hurt but I have no way of knowing if he's even thought about that. How can I know if it was just a booty call urge for him or if he really misses me and wants to start hanging out again? I don't want to bring up the topic... I pressured him before, I don't want to risk doing that again. I'm patient... I don't want to be used or waste my life but there's something about this guy - about 'us' that I can't shake.
that's all I've got - many thanks for your insight.
Edited 11/28/2005 6:50 pm ET by londoness75

I think you ask him what his intentions are. Tell him that last time your were together you both realized that you did not want the same things - that you're only interested in pursuing a committed relationships. Ask him if he's interested in that now?
Based on his behavior - I wouldn't get your hopes up (:() - but if you don't ask for what you want - he might not be clear with you, right? -W