huge mistake?!
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huge mistake?!
| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:33pm |
Hi, I think I may have made a huge mistake last night and I would like some opinions. The guy I've been seeing for a couple of months is about an hour and a half away, but for two months we've made it work, each of us driving to see each other at least once a week. Now that I'm back in my home town for the summer, we are a full two hours away. A week ago today, he called me and told me he "can't do this anymore" because the distance is too intimidating and he cant deal with not having me closer to see whenever he wants. I was obviously very upset, as both of us have expressed to one another that we have never had such strong feelings for anyone. I told him that my biggest fear was losing him as a friend, as I'm now involved in so many aspects of his life (family, friends, etc.) and I have a genuine interest in how his life is going. He promised that we would still talk. Well, we kept talking a couple of times a day and on Monday, he said that he regretted his decision, I'm all he thinks about, he misses me like hell and he said he was coming to see me. I decided it would be better for me to make the two hour trip there.
Things were back to normal when I got there, and we were just as affectionate and intimate as always, with absolutely no awkwardness. I stayed Tuesday night. Yesterday we spent all day together (with a few close friends) and had a great time. Last night, we all started drinking and needless to say, I had too many, as did he. After we were laying in bed talking for a while, all of a sudden this huge feeling came over me, and I decided that I was the one who can't do this. He said he didnt want to talk about it then because we were both drunk. I decided I couldn't lay next to him all night (as badly as I wanted to, I just needed to leave) so I went to the other room and layed down. He came out immediately, and we proceeded to have an hour-long conversation (I did all the talking) about how I wanted so bad to remain his friend but I could never settle with just that, and I can't stand not being able to call him and tell him I'll be there in ten minutes. I told him I have a small trust issue because I've been burned before, but I was willing to work on that insecurity because I care about him so much.
What it came down to is that I can't emotionally deal with this, because I have never felt so strongly about anyone and been separated by a two hour drive. I was crying and he kept begging me to not cry over him, telling me we WILL see each other again, someday he WILL hold me again, and to not have any regrets because things were perfect and we never once argued about anything. He was very understanding, and it was strange that the roles were switched since last week, it was him telling me that he can't do this.I told him that he couldn't keep calling 2-3 times a day because I'm getting myself into a hole that I can't get out of, and every call makes me hurt that much more because I just wish he was here. Obviously I said we can't keep visiting each other. Essentially, I told him that we need to cut the communication to the very minimum so I can get over this. He stayed with a friend last night, and I slept in his bed. He told me last night he couldn't see me this morning, so I was sure to leave before he came back. We agreed that I would call him when I am ready.
Here's my issue. On the drive home this morning, I started feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. In all reality, I CAN deal with the distance, it just isn't pleasant. I often get emotional when I drink, and to be 100% honest, if I hadn't drank last night, I WOULD NOT have said what I said. Even though I'm here and he's there, we talk several times a day (and see each other weekly when I'm at school,) and I'm happy with that. I care about him so much that I'm willing to work at it. He graduates from college in a year and will be going to law school thats only 20 minutes from where I'll be. I left him a note this morning expressing that someday, when circumstances change, I want to try things again and I said that I am not giving up. This is all so new and raw and unreal, but I feel tempted to take the same route that he did, just call him and say I miss you too much, I can't push away the greatest thing to happen to me in so long, and let's just work at this, and I'll work through my insecurities.
How can I keep talking to him, keep seeing him maybe once a month just to sustain this friendship and remain a part of his life, but NOT always desire more?? Did I make a huge mistake? How do I know? I'm hesitant to follow my heart (go back to him) because everyone always tells me to follow my head (steer clear until things could work out better.) I just want so bad to call and apologize and go back to how it was. Advice, please!!!
Things were back to normal when I got there, and we were just as affectionate and intimate as always, with absolutely no awkwardness. I stayed Tuesday night. Yesterday we spent all day together (with a few close friends) and had a great time. Last night, we all started drinking and needless to say, I had too many, as did he. After we were laying in bed talking for a while, all of a sudden this huge feeling came over me, and I decided that I was the one who can't do this. He said he didnt want to talk about it then because we were both drunk. I decided I couldn't lay next to him all night (as badly as I wanted to, I just needed to leave) so I went to the other room and layed down. He came out immediately, and we proceeded to have an hour-long conversation (I did all the talking) about how I wanted so bad to remain his friend but I could never settle with just that, and I can't stand not being able to call him and tell him I'll be there in ten minutes. I told him I have a small trust issue because I've been burned before, but I was willing to work on that insecurity because I care about him so much.
What it came down to is that I can't emotionally deal with this, because I have never felt so strongly about anyone and been separated by a two hour drive. I was crying and he kept begging me to not cry over him, telling me we WILL see each other again, someday he WILL hold me again, and to not have any regrets because things were perfect and we never once argued about anything. He was very understanding, and it was strange that the roles were switched since last week, it was him telling me that he can't do this.I told him that he couldn't keep calling 2-3 times a day because I'm getting myself into a hole that I can't get out of, and every call makes me hurt that much more because I just wish he was here. Obviously I said we can't keep visiting each other. Essentially, I told him that we need to cut the communication to the very minimum so I can get over this. He stayed with a friend last night, and I slept in his bed. He told me last night he couldn't see me this morning, so I was sure to leave before he came back. We agreed that I would call him when I am ready.
Here's my issue. On the drive home this morning, I started feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. In all reality, I CAN deal with the distance, it just isn't pleasant. I often get emotional when I drink, and to be 100% honest, if I hadn't drank last night, I WOULD NOT have said what I said. Even though I'm here and he's there, we talk several times a day (and see each other weekly when I'm at school,) and I'm happy with that. I care about him so much that I'm willing to work at it. He graduates from college in a year and will be going to law school thats only 20 minutes from where I'll be. I left him a note this morning expressing that someday, when circumstances change, I want to try things again and I said that I am not giving up. This is all so new and raw and unreal, but I feel tempted to take the same route that he did, just call him and say I miss you too much, I can't push away the greatest thing to happen to me in so long, and let's just work at this, and I'll work through my insecurities.
How can I keep talking to him, keep seeing him maybe once a month just to sustain this friendship and remain a part of his life, but NOT always desire more?? Did I make a huge mistake? How do I know? I'm hesitant to follow my heart (go back to him) because everyone always tells me to follow my head (steer clear until things could work out better.) I just want so bad to call and apologize and go back to how it was. Advice, please!!!

I know that what I'm about to ask you to do is tough, but give it a shot. Try not to think about all the logical reasons the relationship is difficult and try not to think about all the things you feel when your with him and when your without him. Try to clear your mind, maybe do some deep breathing excercises or if you know anything about meditating try that.
Now focus on how your body feels when you think of him, when you think of continuing to try a long distance relationship and when you think of remaining his friend and when you think of not seeing him agian in anyway. Don't rush through these thoughts but give your body time to settle on each one.
When your thoughts begin to become overwhelming focus on your breathing and your body again. Try to shut out emotions AND reasoning and just allow yourself to focus on that single thought, one at a time for a a few minutes each, almost like a mantra.
Your body has a way of melding what is in our hearts and our heads. It isn't ruled by emotion alone or by logic alone it's the result of both. Follow how that feels. That's why they call it "following your gut." It's not about your thoughts or your feelings it's about something more elemental, something less under your conscience control, and USUALLY it's pretty accurate.
That's what I would do.
If you made a mistake and you allowed your fears to gain control because of alcohol and it's meant to be he'll understand. It sounds like maybe the alcohol brought to the surface some fears you didn't want to face, but that you realize are unfounded.
You'll sort it out, just let it stew a while, get in touch with your instincts and sort through your feelings. It'll turn out fine. It always does, no matter how crappy it might seem at the time.