Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help
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| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:28am |
Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.
YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

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I agree with the other posters that your husband has serious anger management issues that he needs PROFESSIONAL help for. The military has these services available to it's soldiers for FREE.
I wanted to add something else though and I know this is going to be VERY hard to hear. It is just my opinion but I speak from a good deal of experience: I'm 34 I've been in four long term relationships. Three were great and one was emotioanlly abusive. I just married a wonderful man who I am VERY happy with. So I've personally experienced a lot of different relationship situations.
Here it goes...
Your husband does not love you. He probably did have a love for you at one time but that love is gone and more then likely gone forever. He meant those hurtful things he said. He means them everytime he says them. The lie comes when he takes them back.
He is only taking them back because he feels guilty when you cry and because he thinks about being alone and doesn't want to be alone. Just like he didn't want to be alone so he married you. That's why first he gets angry when you cry. It's because the guilt frustrates him. He knows staying with you is wrong and that he doesn't love you or want to be with you, but he also doesn't want to deal with his feelings of guilt and loneliness.
Give him what he wants, divorce him. Find someone who REALLY loves you. I know it's probably excruciatingly painful right now but you and your child will be so much better off for it. Encourage him to get help for the sake of your child and in the hopes that with treatment and time the two of you may be able to be at least civil to each other for your child's sake, but leave him.
Don't stay with a man who doesn't love you. It will only continue to escalate and get worse and without treatment he might even become so frustrated and resentful that he loses control completely and actually hurts you. Don't let that happen to you and don't let your child see that happen to you.
As far as the previous post I do not agree. I think that he may love you but is VERY screwed up in the head and has serious rage issues. His behavior should scare you and if you don't want to save yourself then save your child from seeing this abuse go on. Whether it is physcial or emotional or all the time vs. sometime it is still abuse and your child will understand that just as soon as he is old enough. I think your husband spoke out of anger! I don't thing that he went that far like getting married and having a kid just because he didn't want to be alone. I know I used to be horrible when I would get mad at my ex. I would be like your an fuc*en idiot, good for nothing, recovering addict, etc yet I didnt mean that. I would just be so angry at the world! I learned to control my anger and do love this man very much and always did. It was an issue however of anger that needed to be addressed b/c my SO of the time was getting the effects of the anger. Bottomline is that you need to tell him that he needs help. It probably wont be easy but maybe if youguys initially start with doing it together it will be better and easier. I wish youluck and pray for serenity and safety for both you and your newborn. May angels be near you at this time :)
Oh My,
I got shivers reading your post. I went thru just about the exact same thing with my son's father. Left when my son was 2 months old.
It won't get any better. Collect your courage, keeep intouch with your family and friends and get out of there ASAP. Get counselling for you to help yo ukeep yourself together in this rough time. Love yourself love your baby and have a rapid escape plan. Seriously. I kept bags packed at a friends house with diapers, dog food for my dogs and changes of clothes. You know what? When I had to leave because of the violence, I had enough things to get by until I found shelter.
Hard as it may seem, there is life a wonderful life as a single parent. Dating is fun, your child will be out of harms way. I went on to graduate school and got a PhD. Still single, but loving the dating life.
Take care and be prepared Reach out as you are to people who will support you.
All the best. You are not alone.
Hi there.
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I know a great deal of you encouraged me to "leave him", but I do not have a job or money. I could go home to live with my parents, but I don't have a job to support the baby & I. My parents do not have enough money to help us out. I doubt if my husband would really give me the car anyway. And without a car, how would I find work back home? I have no skills or degrees either.
As for an update otherwise, my husband has been great lately. I mean, no more abuse or angry outbursts or anything since then. He is not controlling or anything, just has a bad temper. I really love him & he is very good to our son. IF he does anything more abusive, I will try to leave him for sure...I take what you all said to heart...I do NOT want to expose my son to this kind of behavior AT ALL! I am just concerned with the lack of money and the life I would have if I did leave.
I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??
And if I did decide to leave him, would anyone want to date/be with long-term a mother with a child?? I know some people who might, but most of the guys I know would RUN the other way when it came to a MOTHER....
Thank you all for your help, advice and support. I KNOW how dangerous he was acting, and know it was a form of abuse....but he RARELY acts this way, and I don't know what to think. He agreed to go to counseling, by the way. I am making an appt for him today. He knows he has an anger problem, but IS hesitant/scared to get professional help for it. But agreed to it. Thank God.
A few points:
First, You shoudl get help, too. Free help is available from many sources from churches to the military to the local government.
Second, Good that he is getting help.
Three, Have an esxcape route. There are shelter programs that can help you get settled.
Four. I am a single mother of a six year old and have had three marriage proposals (turned them down) since I became a single mother. There are plenty of good men out there who love kids.
Five. ou are not without skills and you can get a job. based on your email, you are a good communicator and can use a computer. You are more than qualified for many jobs. there are also many assistance programs to get single parents back to work.
Make certain you base your descisions on good facts. Your post makes you sound helpless. Unless we are truley handicapped, none of us are helpless.
Be certain you tell some friends and family about the situation so there are witnesses incase you need them later. This is good advice.
All the best I am happy to hear things are better for the time, but in all honesty, I 'd suspect that will only be temporary.
At first I have to say there is this hurting now inside you that he has shouted at you so much and that he said he don't love you and drove so scarely, I would be upset for several days. Could you tell him in a calm way, the best not at the situation where you are both have quarrel, the best days later, that you say "I feel so scared, when you drove so crazy I was worried about our life" and "I feel so hurt that you said you don't love me" and ask him "how can I help you that it doesn't happen again", it would be good if you would go both to councelling.
On the other side people, also men have so much pressure nowdays, especially when they work so long, they have to handle difficult people and a lot to do at work. This can course so much tension inside them, and also often men cannot show so much sadness or show that it is to much for them, they have to learn this, they rather repress it and suddenly they explode. Maybe he thinks he has to be perfect at job and perfect in bed and perfect in bringing lots of money, this is much pressure. And we all lack so much from childhood, since many centuries in families with father and mother and siblings, bringing up went wrong. Therefore we expect so much nowdays from each other and what also happens
in relationship he says something to you which can hurt you and maybe you say something which hurts him, but sometimes we don't relize it, but when it comes to a bigger problem it arises, so recognization has to be reached.
I guess he is also confused with his feeling and thinking, at present he doesn't know what is necessary and good for you both.
Barbarella
"I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??"
Once again, just my opinion and only because you asked... He meant it. He does not love you. He resents you. He sees you as a burden to him. One he didn't want and deosn't know how to rid himself of. These abusive outbursts are not going to go away. They'll just keep getting worse. He's intentionally driving you away because he doesn't have the balls to just dump you out right once you start crying and it'll keep getting worse until you finally do.
Listen to ubersilly - you aren't helpless. You can leave and find a job. He doesn't have to "let" you take the car. Just take it. Talk to a lawyer and they'll help you figure out what to do so that you have money to support you and your child while you divorce. Unless you have a history of drug use (he can prove) or he can otherwise prove your an unfit mother he'll have to give you child support and probably spousal support as well and from what I understand the military is really good about seeing that you get it.
Don't let his temporary good behavior convince you this will work. I have a feeling you already know in your heart of hearts it wont, you're just desparartely grasping at straws because you don't WANT to believe it.
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