Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help
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| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:28am |
Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.
YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

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hmmm~
I am not the best for relationship advice here but this post struck a cord since it was first posted, I was going to just not reply but I think this needs to be heard. Ever heard of the calm before the storm? I work at a gas station third shift, and in doing so I talk to a lot of the officers in the area, city, county, and state.
I am sorry for being so blunt hun but the truth is once a person has demonstrated violence it will ALWAYS be there buried somewhere and can rear it's ugly head at any time and often without notice. I could not begin to tell you how many times I have heard the guys(my officers) say the phrase "it will never happen again" or "I did something to make him mad" and my favorite "things are better now" Things NEVER start out badly, but happen gradually over time. I called the officers in on a woman a couple of months ago who came into the store with her children, the woman was beaten badly everywhere and the children were hiding behind her and when I asked if she was alright she replied with, he has calmed down now and said he is sorry, come to find out her husband and father of her children has been beating her for years, while the children sat back and watched in horror. Protective services took her children that day.
One day one of my officers came in just infuriated----he began sobbing and I asked what was wrong all he could say was"why do people subject their children to that". The man and woman were fighting and things got heated, the man became infuriated at his girlfriend and threw a brick at her, he missed and hit their infant son nearly killing him. The paramedics came in shortly afterwards and told the officer that the child had severe trauma to his head and had began having seizures, he now has permanant brain damage.The boys father loved his child dearly as well I had seen him in the store many times with his son, but in a fit of rage at the boys mother the child had ACCIDENTALLY been forced to pay the price.
I could tell you more stories but I am sure you have gotten the point. Get him some help, make him get some help, or leave. I know it sounds impossible to leave but it isn't, I did. I am not living the high life I once was and it was soooooooo scary at first, but once you see that you have no reason to depend on anyone else it has it's own rewards. I was NOT beaten but I made the choice to leave because it just was not a healthy environment for any of us. I had to go on state assistance, and had to ask the state of Michigan for help finding a place to live and all sorts of stuff. And as another poster stated there are all sorts of agencies out there who will help a woman in your situation. I support my children on a gas station job working third shift while going to school to get my paramedic license at night. It is very hard but it can be done if you want it badly enough. I had NOTHING when I left my ex.
I just do not fall for any excuses, I am sorry that sounds mean but sometimes people do not see it unless they are hit in the face. If my little sister would have gotten out when we all told her to she would not have been hit like she was either. Think about your child and what could happen in the long run, think about any of the accidents that may happen, I have no doubt in my mind that your husband loves his son but accidents do happen, do you want that to happen to your child? How about having to feed him through a feeding tube for the rest of his life because in a fit of rage that doesn't happen very often, his daddy ACCIDENTALLY missed mommy and hit baby causing permanant brain damage to your son, don't think it can't happen to you or your family, because that is what everyone thinks until it happens to them.
Things do not just fix themselves hun, you said that you have been married for almost a year and a half, and that this has happened 5 times, you said yourself that it was the worst this time, well how much worse is it going to have to get before you see there is a problem and only he can fix it, you cannot fix it for him. pretend it is another year and a half later-----can you picture it being twice as bad, it will only get worse if he doesn't get help or something. What happens when your son gets married and knows nothing but to treat a woman like that because that is all he has been shown, abuse is a repetitive cycle, if you can not do this for yourself then do it for your son and everything you hope is good for him.
Good luck hun,
Betty
You've posted this thought twice ...
"I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??"
I feel so concerned about you being a young wife and mom. Clearly, you have a low self-esteem at this point in your life. Believe what he said. A man who truly loves you would NOT belittle, yell, scare, or CHOKE you. You are a victim of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE whether he is demanding or not. The fact is he has a violent temper and you could be a potential asphyxiation homicide victim.
Good, he's going for psychiatric help. Let the professionals help him with his anger issues. Don't let yourself and your baby be the victims. Don't make excuses for his behavior and actions. There is no need to promise him that you will change. He's the one who needs to change. DON'T EVEN WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. I would just change my life. IT IS NOT YOUR DUTY TO HELP HIM. A batterer will always make you think that it's your fault for making him mad. How can you love him when he is your abuser? LOVE YOUR CHILD AND YOURSELF FIRST.
You don't think a man would want a divorcee with a kid? On the contrary, my 30-something y/o single professional male friends do not mind getting serious with a single mom at all.
Go "visit" your family, you need a break. They will help you emotionally, if not more. Don't you feel like you're sleeping with the enemy? Walking on eggshells living with a ticking timebomb? Good luck to you and please keep us posted. XOXO
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