I am in a bind-advice needed please!
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| Mon, 06-13-2005 - 3:14pm |
My ex and I were together for 2.5 yrs...then by my suggestion we 'dated' for 3 months after the break up...then due to some unforeseen events we broke it off for good...anyways, the final break up was pretty messy to say the least...she wouldn't talk to me or anything..and when we did talk, she would be very short, and that was that...well the final break up took place at the end of July of last yr, and then we didn't talk until the end of February of this year...with an exception of a few casual emails and maybe one of two phone calls
So we come to now...my ex and I have been talking for almost 5 months, and almost every day at that. I was out one day and we ran into one another...and things went well which gave me the incentive to email her and see how things were going (we didn't talk too much), well since that email...we've talked non stop...though there are a few glitches...she was in a relationship but now they're in limbo they aren't together anymore...but they're not completely out of one anothers lives...they are in that proverbial gray area. I am now in a LD-relationship, but I do see my new gf as much as I can.
Either way, my ex and I are both available a lot...we're out of college for the summer, a lot of our friends live in different locations...so we have been spending a lot of time together, and it's great we laugh and talk for hours, she even tells me that I am probably the only person that truly understands her...wondering if this is a recipe for disaster. Our break up was circumstantial we were always close and our relationship consisted of a lot of passion.. However, I had a lot of personal/family issues which affected our relationship big time..and what I ultimately needed was space to better myself, also so I could function in a healthy relationship...well now that I am better, and the time apart has changed both of us...I feel as if I am exactly what she wants, and she is exactly what I want...but she has her situation and I have mine...we even joke about being perfect for one another and flirt a lot, she even told me a couple times that she has to remind herself that we're not together anymore...though we also have had the converstions "this is friendship and nothing more" I can't help but think it's a facade to our true feelings...I mean when I moved on, it was hard, but I am glad to be with someone new...but she is also my first real love...my first everything...I can't help but feel torn between the two...I love having her in my life, but I feel sometimes that she prevents me to move forward like I should be...and maybe I am just clinging to the past..I constantly worry about when our 'friendship' is going to reach it's expiration date, cuz I feel that if her relationship works out, she is just going to stop talking to me like she has been...also we're taking seperate paths...I am probably moving out of state in the next yr, and she is moving out near her school at the end of the summer..I am trying to come to terms with closing the door to our relationship for good, and focusing on my new one and saying "it's over for good" but I just can't...a part of me is scared that if I let her go it will be a huge mistake...but I feel that if I stay I am just going to get hurt...I am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve...I am even considering getting out of my current relationship to figure it out...cuz the last thing I want to do is give this girl I am with less than a 100%...no one deserves to be 2nd best and I wouldn't have gotten into a new relationship if I knew this was going to happen. All I know is that I want to talk to my ex, let her know what is going on inside...but at the same time I fear if I let her know she will run away from me...the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable...so guys...what should I do?

Well, I think you should talk to your ex and see if you're on the same page at all. I know you don't want to scare her off, but worst case scenario, say that you do scare her away... then at least you'll be able to move forward with your life and your present relationship (and she can do the same) and you won't have to wonder or worry about it anymore. I kind of have this theory that the person who is really "perfect" for you will come along at the proper time. I think timing is very important in a relationship and if it is really meant to be, it will happen at a time in your life that makes sense.
You've obviously got a strong connection with your ex, if you're able to talk to her everyday and still enjoy her company, so I think you owe it to yourself to figure out how she feels. If she feels the same way you do, then you have a whole new dilemma, but at least you will have one more aspect of the problem cleared up. I definitely think that it would be a mistake to end your current relationship without talk to your ex about your feelings and it would also be a mistake to ignore how you feel.
Just my two cents!
My two cents. You have a few choices and you HAVE to make ONE of them.
1. See xgf less, and concentrate on gf more
2. Stop seeing xgf completely and get her out of your life
3. dump gf, and ask xgf to try one last time.
Basically, you guys ARE creating a recipe for disaster, and BOTH of you are tiptoeing around the REAL issue. I think she is waiting for you to SAY you want her, so she can end things with her guy. But she's not going to dump her guy for you. Just like yuou'r not going to dump your girl for her.
So, it's best if you two stop FAKING that things are on a platonic level, when it's not. It's best if you two choose to take that risk, and realize you WILL lose your SO in the process. Or choose to lay off seeing each other or talking everyday, and move on with your life again.
I know the feeling. Me and my x chose the no contact ever again route. Because every time we do make contact, sparks fly and it gets us into trouble. Eventually, you two will hook up and you will cheat on your gf. You say no way, but even by your post, i can see what is going on. You two are FAKING that you're friends, when in truth, you BOTH want something more, but aren't willing to risk being "alone" to go for it.
I honestly feel sorry for your gf. and this is why many women don't trust their bf's female friends. let's be real. your "friend" is more than a friend, and you WANT more.
~pineapple_girl
My honest opinion and I could be way off here only you know for sure...
I think you're not happy with either girl. Your girlfriend or you ex. I think you see things in your ex that you don't have with you current gf, but there are also things you like about your gf that your ex doesn't have.
You are paying a mental game with yourself where your future happiness relies on being with door #1: your current gf or door #2: your ex. Stop! There are plenty of other doors out there and just like on the game show some you don't want and some are okay but there's only a couple of grand prizes waiting to be won.
My advice, you've seen what's behind doors 1 and 2, open a few other doors. I have a feeling you haven't found the grand prize yet and all this anxiety and confusion is all becasue you're limiting your options.