I am so confused?????
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I am so confused?????
| Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:19pm |
I am so confused right now I am not sure what to make of this. Maybe you guys can help me with this. I went to my first counseling appointment yesterday and it went really good. When DH got home that night


Let me share a little insight with you about how married men view sex. It took me a while to figure this out but I believe it is 100% true.
Having sex with your husband reassures him that everything is alright in the relationship. The reason he came up and went back downstairs after you had sex is because he need reassurance from you that everything was in fact alright. After you welcomed him into the bed and offerred yourself to him he was reassured that everything was in fact okay and then he was able to go back downstairs and get a good nights sleep.
So kudos to you, you did exactly the right thing even though you may not have known it.
I know it seems simplistic, but let's face it men are fairly simple creatures with simple needs, unlike us girls. The truth is the single easiest way to improve your average marriage is more sex. Men crave it as a way of letting them know that you still love them, you're still glad you married them, and you still want to spend the rest of your life together. The more confident the man is in the relationship the more likely he is to be expressive and affectionate all the time and regular sex helps build that confidence especially if he isn't always the one initiating.
I don't know why you two might not be sleeping in the same bed any more, but it may be as simple as an uncomfortable bed, animals or kids climbing in bed with you regularly and making things cramped and uncomfortable or snoring. Those are all things that can be easily fixed. If there are other issues as well, you'll probably find they are easier to deal with once you start focusing on your relationship and making an effort to make it a priority.
Men often feel the become uneccessary and unimportant after children are added to the family. They miss that one on one connection you had just like you do. So work on getting that connection back remember to make being a each others' friend and lover a priority every day and reminding yourselves why youo got married in the first place.
Will it take time away formt he kids? Sure. But the best gift you can give your children is a happy marriage. Nice clothes and clean floors wont make up for watching your parents grow apart, but having parents who are still so in love and happy you want to say, "Gees Mom and Dad get a room." will more then compensate for some dishes getting left in the sink a couple nights a week.
Hey, I just went back and read your original post. I was wondering if you have talked to any other military wives about this situation. I really do think their insight may help you.
I'm not exactly a military wife and I've never had to deal with having my fiance deployed so, I can only speak based on things my fiance has told me, but I can tell you this... those experiences seeing friends die, just finding out they died... It just effects you in ways you don't expect. The military is a culture that people from outside of it often have difficulty understanding, even the wives and families of those in it often don't comprehend it unless their loved one is willing to share their thoughts and feelings about that experience.
My fiance was active duty for 6 years he's been in the reserves for another 7 and has been deployed a couple of times during that 7. He's talked to me about some the things and let me tell you I don't know how he sleeps sometimes. He still has nightmares sometimes. The feelings of guilt and anger and loss he still carries, he can't talk about it a lot, it hurts too much for him to think about it too often, so when it does come up it's always brief and then he stuffs it all back into some deep dark place in his mind.
The fact your husband hasn't left, tells me something. It tells me he doesn't WANT to leave. The fact he went to you for some sort of comfort tells me how much you really do mean to him. I don't think for one second it was just about sex to him. I know this is EXTREEEEEMELY difficult for you, but keep trying. I really believe you two can make it. He's struggling but it sounds like he really is trying. He is reaching out to you and that's a good thing, even if it is in ways that may seem strange to you.
Keep going to counselling yourself, it'll help you to work through your feelings and might help you gain some insight into his as well. And maybe with a little time he'll be ready to talk about what happened and start going to counselling too.
I know this has to be terribly hard for you but don't give up. Like I said I really do believe he's just having a really hard time making the transition back to "normal" life and dealing with his experiences while deployed. Give him time and keep offering your love and support, for whatever it's worth, I truly believe you'll make it.