i couldn't do it
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:53pm |
Well, I agonized and came to the conclusion to end it, and as the day wore on I got so depressed and low, I began to cry. I began thinking how much he was going to hurt, and wondering if I was just not giving myself enough time to really feel love for this guy. Ugggg, I was so numb about it before, when he got clingy, I just pushed away and decided there was nothing. But, was there?
For the weekend trip and one week after, I thought I was really happy! He just cares about me so much, and I know I do *care* for him.
Oh I don't know, my mother said don't call until you are ready. And for some reason that made so much sense. I thought I HAD to call, to make a decision so he's not in agony all this time. And last night I just wasn't ready to talk to him. So I thought, I'll just take more time. And I slept much better than I have been.
So today, I did feel like calling just to say Hi. He was hesitant at first, and then after about a minute it was freindly and casual. We both have our own plans for the weekend (getting back to doing things we've put off) and agree'd maybe we would see each first of next week.
Maybe I"m fooling myself that things will change, and maybe not. He will probably have a wall up now and not be himself, and that won't go well, or we could just spend some time together and see. I'm guessing (1)it won't take long for me to get annoyed or feel numb again or (2)I'll find him funny and attractive... (i have had those moments too, lol)
It's like we were getting along , and then he was over everynight, and coming to church with me and wanting to come to my son's practices and cub scouts, and maybe thats where I wanted to distance myself. It was too much, and then he sent the flowers, I love you's , and "miss you" so much, I just felt smothered.
For some reason now that we've had some time apart, that I feel better. Maybe thats a sign that we should slow down? Or that you guys and me for awhile knew that ultimately this isn't going to work at all.
The only other thing I've been confused on with this guy is that he is so NOT my ex (whom I was very very attracted to) The sex doesn't even register on the scale that my ex would be a 10 on. The ex however did not have all the qualities that a good, loving, long-term man has and one big kicker, he didn't want me and my son. Am I still just looking for that kind of connection and holding it against my current guy as far as lack of passion?
It's been a year since I was dating the ex, and I'm over it as much as one can be that didn't get what she wanted.
Big sigh, you guys were very supportive and I don't know if I'm just being coward, or I'm just not quite ready to give up. If he loves me that much, then maybe I can give it alittle more time?? I was reading the post where the guy isn't there yet.... maybe I'll fall soon, and become so attracted once i'm in love??
ahhh, just talking out loud... advice??

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First, how long have you been with this guy? Second, only YOU can decide if the lack of "spark" that you want is okay or not.
On another board, we were talking about OUR own definition of "spark" and it made me realize, when I'd talk to the board about my lack of passion or spark or connection with dbf, they'd all tell me to dump him. My idea of spark is those deep connections that you just have or not have with a person. My idea of passion was longing to be with someone sexually. HOWEVER, I have since realized a few things....how much I need, how I don't need as much as I thought, and how I accepted the lack of passion and spark with the guy I'm with now.
My xh, most recent x, on a scale of 10, was 50 in the dept of spark, passion, connection, sex, etc. HOWEVER, personality wise, we didn't fit quite right. Everythign else seemed to mesh, but not our personalitieis. With bf now, no spark, nothing. I never even found him attractive, and literally would close my eyes, cuz looking at him or feeling his body would literally turn me off. He's soooo not my type. However, oen thing that dbf has that no one in my life has done, is that he's made me laugh and smile each and every day I've known him. And to me, that was worth seeing if he was dateable, or whatnot.
Well, over time, the attraction grew. His body no longer repulses me. lol. I find him attractive, i want him. granted the sex isn't anything like with my xh, but hey, no one was as good as my xh EVER in my life, so i doubt anyone will be better. that's just something i'll have ot live with. i have also never felt so connected to someone as i did with my xh, even with all the other men, i THOUGHT i felt connected to. no comparison. so......with that thought, i realized, any man after my xh would not be able to live up to how he made me feel. so.......as i let go of that thought, and i learned to be more open and just let go of everything, i found i do have passion for my bf. i do feel a connection, but it is more of a connection based on friendship, not boyfriend. and for me, that's a first. i've never had a friend in a bf. so, i am enjoying it.
the point being. do what YOU feel is right. no, it's not fair to lead the guy on, but in reality, if your passion grows for him, or your love or attraction, who's to say he's not the perfect man for you? The One doesn't mean you have to just know, or feel it, or feel connected and sparks.
HOWEVER, again, you need to determine HOW important chemistry, and spark is to you. Can you live a life w/little if no chemistry and spark? seriously, can you see yourself in 30 years, just like you are now? if not, leave. if so, or maybe so, then stay. define your boundaries of what you can or cannot handle. how much spark/chemistry do you need? how little can you live with? how much time are you willing to spend tryign to see if you have a spark for htis guy"?
i ask, because although i love my guy, it's been 3 years, and honestly, i'm confused still, it's not just about spark/chemistry, it's about our entire r'sihp. there's so much good, that yes, outweights the bad, but i haven't decided yet, if i can live w/the bad. and as much as you say it's your life and you need to choose, at this point, we're thinking of getting married, and i hate for my dbf to propose and for me to have to sit there and say, "I DON"T KNOW!!!" that's not fair. so, unliek you, i'm tryign to decide NOW, 3 years later. what can i deal with, what can i not? like i said, the good outweighs the bad by 80-20, but still, can i live forever like this?
how long are you willing to "lead him on" or finally find an answer? you might want to think about it in that sense.
~pineapple_girl
Nena
I've been tossing everything around so much, you are exactly right. It's what I can live with. I don't want to give up too soon, if I will come around as you did, and find him irresistable. He's not repulsive, thank goodness, I just don't get weak in the knees. THis stupid ex of mine has so far been the very best by a long mile that I've ever had (sexually, chemistry wise) and thats sad to think that he could hold that title forever. But who knows?
Can I see myself in 30 years? Um, yes, I think I could be *happy* , he would never do anything to hurt me. But I never pictured the man of my dreams to be like this. I really like charming, confident, well dressed, sensual, seductive, social guys, and my guy is lacking. He is sweet, kind, hardworking, loving, forgiving, and (slightly boring... ok usually really boring) but thats where i'm at. Deciding if it's good enough.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I know it's ultimately up to me, and what I can live with. Ugggg, I'll just have to see, thanks again so much, I'll be in touch hugs.
Just think about this, as I have......
Can you see yourself, down the road, 30 years from now, married to this guy. Sex is there, but not always. Maybe you have kids, so you don't have time for things. As they say, in the end, make sure you can TALK to the person, because physical things can limit sexual contact.
Also, I never thought a man like my bf could be someone I'd even date. I've known my guy for MANY years prior to dating him, as he was/is my brother's friend. And everytime I saw him, I'd think, dear god, I would NEVER date anyone like him. He's so materialistic, shallow, and flashy. Well, over the years, he has changed. And obviously, I never would've known because I don't talk to him a lot. Also, he has changed A LOT while with me.
before, he said he would take me out for V-day dinner so I could brag. Well, since I told him I don't brag about thigns he does for me, and he realized how LAME that was, he has stopped. We still go out, but rarely does he or I tell ppl where we went. (whereas with his x's, he'd tell ppl where he went -- upscale trendy fancy restaurant -- and tell them how much he spent). He's changed a lot since he's been with me, and so have I.
Different is good....even if to LEARN different things.
The type of man you described, are the type of men I'd stay far far far away from. Why? Because those guy, in my lifetime, have been the players, the men who'll treat me good to my face then turn around and burn me somehow, someway.
So, I'm curious, why do you want a "charmer"? Because most charmers are also players, they may be good in bed and sparking chemistry, but there's rarely any subsstance to them, nor is there any commitmemtn.
I'm curious, besides the sexual chemistry and regular chemistry with your x, what else did you like about him? Or are you trying to find that chemstiry with every man, because it's like a drug? Makes you feel good, and is addicting, even though it causes pain elsewhere?
~pineapple_girl
Sorry to chime in late (again...) :-)
I absolutely agree that it does come down to what you want. The realtionship I ended was with a guy who is JUST like your bf. I described him in the exact same terms... he would never hurt me... he is considerate... I could trust him... I wasn't particularly attracted to him...
I knew I needed to break up with him when I realized I was with him because I felt safe - my heart wasn't at risk with this guy because I wasn't 100% invested in him. The guy I dated before him (fantastic chemistry, amazing sex, deep connection) broke my heart with lies, erratic behavior - the stuff Jerry Springer shows are made from. The reason I feel I was with the last guy was that I knew I wouldn't get hurt. That was the biggest "pro" for this relationship. I didn't see that in the beginning, but I realized it months down the road.
After almost two years, I realized that feeling "safe" wasn't enough. I was ready to put my heart at risk again and was ready to feel giddy, invested, in love. Long story short, I have been dating an absolutely fantastic guy with whom I feel totally safe AND am head over heels for. I wasn't sure that there was anyone out there like that, but sure enough there is.
It may take you some time to figure out what is the best decision for you. Please do not beat yourself up for needing time. Lord knows I waivered for a couple months before finally making the decision to end it.
The only real advice I can give you (after all that - lol) is DO NOT be afraid of going after what you truly want.
Best of luck and please keep in touch!
Thank you guys so much for responding! Pineapple girl, you are so right again, in reference to being attracted to "wrong kinda guys". It's so true, charmers tend to be players, and why I get so caught up in them or emotionally invested is so bad for me... This ex that I was gaga for had alot going for him as well, and had been in a long term relationship before me, and actually met me just she was throwing his ring back at him...lol. Bad timing for me I guess, I was definitely a rebound. But thats another story. He was a gentleman, and was very smart, was career driven, good church going, family loving kinda guy (and sex-aholic, with tendencies of an alcoholic) so some good with the bad. I think when it comes down to it, My current guy just isn't as outgoing, opinionated, driven, or sociable, and personality wise is just completely different than what I am attracted to. (and sex, lets not go there) Why I stay is for the comfort, the safe feeling, and he loves me so, and would do anything to make this work.
I am taking that "time" now and I don't know for how long. I do constantly think about the 30 years from now scenario... and I kinda long for that giddy, excited feeling, and just think maybe it will come... He gave me this extremely thoughtful gift for my b-day yesterday, a framed picture of me and my son that he took, that I had never seen. It meant so much to me.
My thoughts right now, I need to stick it out, give it 100%, keep thoughts of the ex at bay, and just see. I'm exactly where you were lifeisgood, not completely invested. I know he can't hurt me, but I feel like I gotta try. I guess a timeline, 3 more months??? And see if I feel closer, or deeper or invested, and if it's still just blah, then I'll have to move on.. The fact that you have been there, moved on and found someone you are head over heels is so inspiring, and on the same note, pineapplegirl, you were not attracted at first and you've developed and changed to where you are in love now right???
So, gosh, I feel so dang wishy washy, but I really appreciate you guys reflecting your ideas and experiences.
I'll be back, :)
"The fact that you have been there, moved on and found someone you are head over heels is so inspiring, and on the same note, pineapplegirl, you were not attracted at first and you've developed and changed to where you are in love now right???"
IN reality. I AM there. I never found someone that I fell head over heels in love with. Maybe you're mixing me up with someone else. I'm still with my "stable safe" guy. And truthfully, things are at the crossroads. I do love him, the passion has grown, but truth be told, I will either be marrying him soon, or walking. And at the rate things are going, I'll probably be walking.
We're compatible on the friendship level, but on the emotional level, well, he's just so closed off and so passive, that I can't deal anymore. But, we'll be going to therapy, so I guess only time will tell.
I've been saying that for 3 years, and I'll probably be giving it another 3-6 months. So, by 2006 I'll either be saying it was all worth it, or a big waste of my time, just so I could feel "safe" and that he couldn't "hurt" me because I wasn't invested.
Choose your path wisely. I honestly believe it's better to risk than to be safe, but some ppl would rather be loved, than in love.
~pineapple_girl
Hugs pineapple girl, hugs. Thankyou for being so open and honest about your current relationship with your man. I hope I can keep tabs with how it goes, because I feel such similarities.
Oh, and in my post, the head over heels comment was directed towards lifeisgood, sorry for the confusion.
I just see some people with their SO and they are so all over each other, can barely contain themselves or stop smiling. I remember a line from Sex in the City, she said "I want a real love, a "can't live without you' love" And I really want that. I really want to be invested, you know? I know things can fizzle out and become comfortable, but in the beginning, I just thought it would be more infatuation and dreaminess.
I guess time will tell all, thanks again for your kind words
PS Something sort of funny... the other day for my b-day, he got me the picture but also another present. It was in a little jewelry box, and my seven year old shouted out, "oh it must be a ring!" and I gasped and freaked a little (so did BF lol) it was only earrings, but I was so incredibly relieved.... isn't that terrible?
Just thought I'd mention my personal feelings on soemthing you wrote. Everyone is different, but I thought a different perspective might be helpful...
You wrote: "I remember a line from Sex in the City, she said "I want a real love, a "can't live without you' love" And I really want that."
Here's the thing. I can live without my fiance. I love him dearly and want for him to grow old with me and I would be truly crushed if I couldn't, but I could live without him and I could go on and find love again. A love that I enjoyed every bit as much as what I have with him. It would just be different.
I decided a few years before I met my fiance that I didn't want to NEED the man I spent the rest of my life with. I wanted to be able to rely on him, to share my life with him, for him to be my partner in every way, but I also wanted to know that no matter what I would always be okay on my own too.
So I went about the business of working on me. I got to know myself better. I found fulfillment through friends, family, faith, philosophy, and learning to love life even when it's imperfect (because lets face it life is imperfect most of the time). I made myself whole so I would never NEED anyone and at the same time I would always seek to share my joy and my life with others and allow myself to trust and rely on others for support.
We all NEED love and support, but I don't think the specific source for the fulfillment of that need should not be of critical importance. There are many kind, loving, wonderful people out there to fulfill those needs. I began to see that maybe becoming dependant and reliant on one person or just a couple of people for the fulfillment of my emotional needs was a recipe for failure.
I realized that people were going to disappoint me from time to time and let me down, often, by not fault of their own. It doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them human. If I allowed myself to put all my emotional eggs in one basket, as I had been doing, I was going to continue to feel hurt, disapppointed, let down, even betrayed. I realized it's an unfair burden to place my emotional fulfillment on a select few.
Instead I learned that if I looked and had an open heart I could find fulfillment all around me. I could find sources of joy and partnership. I stopped looking for that one person who I thought would make everything all right and I found that I was already part of a world that would make everything all right if I just was open to what it offered me.
In short I realized I didn't want a "can't live without you love"; rather, I wanted a, "Wow, I really, really want you in my life love." "Can't live without you love" to me is pretty unhealthy and often leads to unrealistic expectations and pretty unhappy. At least it did for me.
Like I said, this is just my own journey and thoughts and process, I recognize it might not work for everyone. Just thought I'd put it out there so you had another perspective to consider.
Good luck.
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