i couldn't do it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
i couldn't do it
14
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:53pm

Well, I agonized and came to the conclusion to end it, and as the day wore on I got so depressed and low, I began to cry. I began thinking how much he was going to hurt, and wondering if I was just not giving myself enough time to really feel love for this guy. Ugggg, I was so numb about it before, when he got clingy, I just pushed away and decided there was nothing. But, was there?
For the weekend trip and one week after, I thought I was really happy! He just cares about me so much, and I know I do *care* for him.

Oh I don't know, my mother said don't call until you are ready. And for some reason that made so much sense. I thought I HAD to call, to make a decision so he's not in agony all this time. And last night I just wasn't ready to talk to him. So I thought, I'll just take more time. And I slept much better than I have been.

So today, I did feel like calling just to say Hi. He was hesitant at first, and then after about a minute it was freindly and casual. We both have our own plans for the weekend (getting back to doing things we've put off) and agree'd maybe we would see each first of next week.

Maybe I"m fooling myself that things will change, and maybe not. He will probably have a wall up now and not be himself, and that won't go well, or we could just spend some time together and see. I'm guessing (1)it won't take long for me to get annoyed or feel numb again or (2)I'll find him funny and attractive... (i have had those moments too, lol)

It's like we were getting along , and then he was over everynight, and coming to church with me and wanting to come to my son's practices and cub scouts, and maybe thats where I wanted to distance myself. It was too much, and then he sent the flowers, I love you's , and "miss you" so much, I just felt smothered.
For some reason now that we've had some time apart, that I feel better. Maybe thats a sign that we should slow down? Or that you guys and me for awhile knew that ultimately this isn't going to work at all.

The only other thing I've been confused on with this guy is that he is so NOT my ex (whom I was very very attracted to) The sex doesn't even register on the scale that my ex would be a 10 on. The ex however did not have all the qualities that a good, loving, long-term man has and one big kicker, he didn't want me and my son. Am I still just looking for that kind of connection and holding it against my current guy as far as lack of passion?
It's been a year since I was dating the ex, and I'm over it as much as one can be that didn't get what she wanted.

Big sigh, you guys were very supportive and I don't know if I'm just being coward, or I'm just not quite ready to give up. If he loves me that much, then maybe I can give it alittle more time?? I was reading the post where the guy isn't there yet.... maybe I'll fall soon, and become so attracted once i'm in love??
ahhh, just talking out loud... advice??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 10:46am

"In short I realized I didn't want a "can't live without you love"; rather, I wanted a, "Wow, I really, really want you in my life love." "Can't live without you love" to me is pretty unhealthy and often leads to unrealistic expectations and pretty unhappy. At least it did for me."

I"d have to agree. My xh said he NEEDED me to NEED him and I had that "can't live w/o you love". It's not healthy. Your life revolves aroudn the person to the point of, you literaly can't do anything w/o them. You THINK it's because you can't stand being away from them, but in reality, it's unhealthy to need to be with someone to that extent.

I believe "real love" is about knowing the person is there, WANTING them in your life, but knowing you CAN live w/o them...even though your heart may break.

To the OP, I think what you need/want is a love btwn the all consuming "can't live w/o you love" and the love you have now. It's all about balance.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:32am

Yes I agree if you take the line literal and to extreme than it is unhealthy. I took the line to be a "I'd be lost without you", "I would be so heartbroken without you" Not that life isn't worth living without you. Where I am now, is that I wouldn't be sad if we broke up. I would feel bad for breaking his heart, but at this moment I wouldn't miss him. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT.

I want to be crazy in love, and so excited to see him everytime I'm away from him. I want to make plans and dream with a man. Is that so wrong to want to have a companiion to share life with that I also get goosebumps from everytime he touches me?

I know I don't actually need a man to complete me. I've become very independent since my exhusband left 4.5 years ago. I have everything I need and can take care myself and my little family. It would just be nice to have a lover, that I was in love with to share this life with.

Thanks for all the insights though, it's good to keep myself in check
Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:52am

"I want to be crazy in love, and so excited to see him everytime I'm away from him. I want to make plans and dream with a man. Is that so wrong to want to have a companiion to share life with that I also get goosebumps from everytime he touches me?"

All of that first stuff is great and you asbolutely deserve to find that.

Just watch that goosebumps bit. That's not very realistic. I've bene living with my fiance for about a year now. I am well past the goosebumps stage EVERYtime, though ti still happens once in a while. But all that other stuff I've got, so I know you can find it.

I miss him like crazy when one of us is out of town. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think I'm soooo lucky to have found what I share with him.

And that kind of love is worth waiting for and all the ups and downs you'll go through before you find it and after.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 12:40pm
Good post Nick :)

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