I don't even know where to start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
I don't even know where to start
5
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 1:17am

I love this board, because I feel like the advice given here is very genuine and given in the nicest possible way, so with that said, please be gentle with me!

Where to start? All of a sudden I feel like I barely even know him at all, and I have a million questions that I need answered by him. Given, it's only been 4 months, but I thought we had gotten to a point where we let each other in on all the big stuff in our lives. Let me start from the point where things started to get weird...

Last Tuesday, we had a discussion and I find out that he doesn't see us as bf/gf, we're still "dating." (see previous post) After reading some stuff on this board, I decided I was okay with that for now, because it didn't seem like the title would make that big of a difference in how we treated each other, or how I felt about him. That same night, he asked what I was doing that weekend, and I reminded him I was going out of town. He then says that a girl he used to date, but is not an ex-girlfriend, was coming into town, and would be staying at his house with him and his 2 roommates. He said they were just friends, blah blah, nothing was gonna happen. So, I was a little put off by this, and I know if I were to pull the same thing, he wouldn't be happy about it at all. But, what can you do? I wasn't gonna go on a raging jealous spree and make a big deal of it. So this weekend, I went out of town. Normally, we talk 2-3 times a day, either by calling or texting. But, on Friday and Saturday, I didn't hear from him at all. I called a couple times and sent him a text message, and he didn't respond at all, which is highly unusual. I was irritated, because I figured he was just far too busy with this "friend" of his to take 2 minutes to call me or 10 seconds to text me. Then today, I decided I wasn't going to call him, that it was now his turn to get a hold of me, since goodness knows I had tried.

He called me tonight, I told him I had tried to call him, and he said, "oh yeah, I was just really busy." He said he was just too busy moving to his new house, and that the friend that came to visit helped him move. I said something about him not calling because the "friend" was in town, and he said no that wasn't it, that he was just too busy. I'm sorry, but I don't think he could've possibly been too busy to call once and just say hello. We don't normally have long conversations anyway, we usually just call to check in with each other. And since I made the effort to call him and text him, that means that he blatantly disregarded my attempt to contact him, and made the conscious decision to ignore it. I guess I just feel like if they were just visiting each other, and nothing was going on, that he could've gotten in touch with me. I'm sure I sound like a jealous *itch, but I think it's disrespectful to just shut me, the girl he's dating now, out while he's off rendeavouzing with some girl he used to date.

So that's the bulk of the situation, the main core thing I'm struggling with. There's a couple other smaller things, like I just found out tonight from a mutual friend that his grandmother had a stroke last week, and he didn't even tell me about it. All he told me was that he'd had a bad day. He then went out, got really drunk, and called this mutual friend to pick him up, take him home and take care of him while he threw up. In the past, we've always talked about stuff like that, and been able to vent about our bad days to each other. So now I'm just wondering why he didn't want to tell me that.

I guess just to sum up, it feels like he's just been more distant that usual lately. I thought I was someone who he came to when things were going wrong, and come to find out, all this stuff is going on with him, and he's not even telling me about it. I'm having serious doubts about whether or not I want to stick it out with him or just jump ship now. I read the post by midwestflyguy about how guys are slow to commit and everything, but I guess I'm just wondering if this is the case with him. I'm starting to feel like I've been a little naive with him, and that I might be having the wool pulled over my eyes so to speak. That's what I meant when I said I all of sudden feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did. And I feel like we're not as close as I thought we were.

Plus, both of his parents are gonna be in the hospital this coming week for different reasons, so he's back home taking care of things. I know he has a lot on his plate right now, so that may be the reason he's been pulling away a little. I just don't know how I should react to all this. Am I justified in feeling upset about the "friend" situation, and should I stick this out with him as far as the whole pulling-away thing goes? Ahhh, there's just so much that plays into it! I'm really sorry this thing is sooooo long; you have no idea how good it feels to get it all written out though. It helps me clear my head and see what I'm dealing with. Any and all advice would of course be much appreciated. Thanks so much ya'll!

Sunflower

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:09am

You sound very confused; and it's easy to see why you would be. You and this guy are not on the same page as far as this relationship goes. He doesn't seem to feel as close to you as you do to him.

What can you do? Well, for one thing you don't bury your head in the sand if a guy is doing something that goes against your convictions. Don't ever be so afraid of losing a man that you just shut your mouth and never let him know that his behavior is unacceptable to you? IF this guy cared enough about you, and he knew that having the girl stay with him bothered you, he wouldn't have done it. BUT, his level of concern for your feelings is not that deep. He doesn't feel any obligation to your feelings.

Here's a hint. If a guy is honestly and truly interested in you, he calls. Not just when it's convenient for him, but because he wants you to know that he's interested. When a man is really there with his feelings for you he would never want you to think that he was too busy for you.

I would be more concerned about his manner of handling difficulty than the fact that he didn't tell me about his problem. Do you really want a man who gets drunk and pukes whenever something bad happens in his life? We could give him the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he didn't want you to see him in this condition; but this behavior would be a red flag for me. It's immature and doesn't say much for his emotional integrity.

Long story short - I think you're making more out of this relationship than there is, as far as he's concerned. If you've been dating exclusively for 4 months, that is enough time to become close enough so that there's some mutual loyalty and consideration for each other. The big IF is whether or not things are actually that mutual. The only guys slow to commit are those who aren't interested in committing. If a man wants a committed relationship he'll not do things that leave you questioning his actions.

Four months is not a long investment. If I were you I'd cut my losses and let this one go. He's not ready to be in the same place relationship-wise as you are. Look for someone who wants the same things you do.

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Registered: 08-04-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:17am

1st thing - if a guy says that you are just dating after 4 months than that is all you are doing - and yes it allows him to date other people.

A guy doesn't ever not call you especially a boyfriend and especially if he doesn't want you to think for a moment that you are the only special person in his life.

You need to either agree and be okay with the just dating - because that is what he said you are and that is what you agreed to.

If you act or think any other way -if you are compromising what you believe in or want or desire. You are lying to him and yourself - do not do this.

You will be unhappy and begin to take it out on him - not fair because he was upfront with you about his intentions. You obviously were not.

AND that is OK - we all think we can handle something or go along with something because we are afraid to lose that person. You have worth - you are worthy of asking more from someone if that is what you truly want - it doesn't mean you will get the answer that you want - but at least you put yourself out there you were honest with you own emotions - nobody can take that away from you. You should and will feel much better afterwards.

You need to be honest with yourself and tell him - Hey I really care for you and want something more from this relationship - Ask him where he sees this relationship going.

Don't be negative - don't be overly emotional. He seeems to have multiple family things going on - so you obviously care for him so show compassion let him know very nicely I am here for you no matter what, but so we are both on the same page I need to understand what you definition of just dating is.

If he says I have to much going on at the time - then tell him well I just want you to know that I will be here for you if you need me, but if this is not going to be an exclusive realtionship that we can build on then I will not be turning down any opportunities that come my way. Then tell him that you are letting him know this so that there is no confusion in this matter. Tell him that if it comes later that you both want it to be exclusive tean that is something that time can be talked about if and when that time arrives.It is okay to tell himhow you feel about him - if you are falling for him etc... it is never a bad thing to be honest.

You need to do this..

Don't ever sit and wait for someone to eventually come around -especially if you are emotionally not prepared or able to handle it.

I know that the weekend he didn't talk to you - that you were very upset probably had that awful feeling that just won't go away. Don't have more weekends like this.

I wish you the best. and remember you deserve exactly what you need emotionally don't fool yourself into compromising.

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Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:47am

That's what I was thinking, that maybe I should make my desires known. My last serious relationship ended when a similiar situation came up and I wasted too much time making excuses for the guy and waiting for him to come around on his own. He didn't. But now what I'm thinking is that maybe I should wait until all the stuff with his family clears up. I think if it was me, that would be the last thing on my mind when both my parents are in the hospital. I think I would kinda resent the person who brought it up when all I really wanted was someone to be supportive.

But on the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe this would be a good time to take a step back and just chill out. Lately, since things have been rough, it's felt like an obligation to call him. I'm not sure if he feels the same way, but it's possible. I guess instead of pushing it right now while things are so crazy, I would rather let him handle everything he's got going on, then we can come back and re-evaluate once things calm down.

I really don't know though. There's just so many angles that play into it! On the one hand, I'm hurt by that whole no-call weekend, but if we're just dating, I'm not sure if it's even justified. Then there's my desire to be supportive of him right now. THEN there's my desire to take care of myself and do what I feel like is best for me.

What do you think?

Sunflower

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 8:55pm

I think that you should let him know that you are there for him and if he needs anything wether it is knowing that you are thinking positive thought about him and his family - or if he needs someone to talk to that you are there for him. And then leave him alone - don't call - don't e-mail.

You will know where you stand with him. You just gave him 1. a reason to call 2. No pressure 3. you showed him that you care for him in a non demading or expecting way.
4. you are not expecting anything from him.

If you said well call me when you can or call me when you get back or something like this then he now has 1. a time frame to deal with - so he know if he doesn't meet you expectations that you will be dissapointed = pressure, 2. He will feel responsible for your time that might be wasted by you waiting to hear from him 3. It will make him feel like it is just one more person demanding something from him.

So you will get you answer - and during the time he is gone - think long and hard about what is it about this person that you like and why do you want to be with him. You could just be making up a serious relationship in your head, you could be making who he is more of a fantasy than realistically who he is

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Registered: 03-01-2004
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 12:04am

He called tonight and apologized for his behaviour as of late. I didn't even have to say anything, he brought the whole thing up himself. Said he had a lot going on, so I told him I understood that and was here for him if he needed anything. So I guess we're okay for now. Of course I still want and need to to talk to him about where all this is going and if we're on the same page relationship-wise, but I guess I'm gonna wait til things settle down.

Thanks for all the helpful advice; you don't know how good it is to get opinions from a neutral third party.