I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
I don't know what to do.
2
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:03pm

My boyfriend and i have been dating on and off for about 8 months and just recently we had a conversation about some things we have done in the past and what our living arrangments will be when he moves in here, if he moves here(he might not graduate on time), at the end of July. We had different ideas, so we were both alittle uncomfortable with talking to eachother for awhile after he had a little fight about it. Something has changed between that time and now, it's been about a week. We both realized something was different, we even tried to figure out what it could be, came up with all sorts of things, apparently it went away for him though and i know it hasn't for me. I still don't know what it is and it bothers me. But our relationship isn't as good as it was a week ago. I don't get the butterflies or have the excitement anymore at all. I still love him and care about him, still think about him and want to be with him, but yet this feeling..i don't know what to do. I know it's not a good feeling either, we started fighting all the time..talking less and less..and less. He said he's very stressed out so that's why he has been acting differently lately but i feel like that is NOT an excuse to in turn treat someone badly, he doesn't think the things he does/says are hurtful or rude but i do, so then we argue about it. I feel like we aren't getting along anymore, probably because we aren't.

But why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:43am

livestrong...

Pianoguy thinks there's a major difference between kissing someone "goodnite" at the door and leaving for home........as opposed to sharing the same space together?

While you didn't come out and say that the latter option makes you uncomfortable, I'm willing to bet it bothers you...as well as your b/f?

Trust me...if you're not getting along "from a distance" (quoting the Bette Midler tune here)....you certainly won't make it "co-habitating together!"

Put the 'moving in together project' on hold...okay??

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:44am

Well, why would you be excited about having someone who fights with you and takes his bad day out on you move in with you? No sane person would be.

It's normal to go through stressful periods in a relationship and it's even normal for couples to OCCASSIONALLY take out their non-relationship related stress on each other. That doesn't make it right. So whoever dumpedon the other person should always apologize nad let the other person now that they really weren't mad at them they were just frustrated from a bad day and took it out on the wrong person.

And I can't say this enough that sort of thing should be kept to a minimum. Your SO should be your partner, the person that you can talk to and count on for support NOT your whipping boy or emotional dumping ground. If that's how you feel, you need to have a serious talk with him about his behavior and set clear boundaries with him about what you will and wont except in terms of him having a bad day and then you need to enforce those boundaries if he crosses. And you need ot do all this and feel it's resolved BEFORE you move in together.

My husband and I worked through this when we were first moving in together. When one of us is in a bad mode we go to our own spaces. He usually goes and plays a video game and I watch TV or workout. If he's in a bad mood and I feel he's taking it out on me I just tell, "Hun, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. You know I'm happy to help if I can or just listen, but you need to calm down first." and he generally just asks me if I have PMS. Which has kind of become a joking way for him to signal I'm acting like a big B for no good reason.

It's pretty easy to tell if your partner has a legitimate beef with you or it's justa bad day because they'll complain about things that they don't normal complain about. Like me getting upset because my husband didn't take the trash out as soon as it's full. Normally, I don't say anything because he normally takes care of it and I haven't taken out the trash accepts maybe 3 times in the last 2 years. But if I've had a crappy day and I'm taking it out on him I'll snipe at him about it.

The trick is really to start cathing yourself doing stuff like this BEFORE you snipe at each other. It can be done. 99% of the time my husband and I just warn each other, "Hey, I had a bad day." so we know to give the otehr persona little more space and cut them a little more slack. This usually keeps it from getting to the point where anyone is nasty.

It's easy to get comfortable and without realizing you've done it start acting like... "Well, I can treat my SO however I want. They love me. They have to forgive me." Allowing yourself or your partner to continue to behave that way will undermine ANY relationship. You should NEVER treat you partner with less courtesy then you'd treat a perfect stranger.