I don't know what to do!
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| Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:00pm |
Okay, I am in a dilemma here and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. We've broken up twice during that time. Once a year ago and once about four months ago. We can't seem to let each other go because although we have little problems here and there, we have never stopped loving each other. He is my best friend and I am his. That's why its hard not to be together. He is also my first real love. (I'm 22). Our relationship is going great. I think in his mind we could easily get married some day. My problem is the fact that I could never marry my first love. I would have doubts as to if he was the one or if I wasn't strong enough to let him go to see what else was out there before settling down. I have to date other people, or at least another person, that's just me. Who knows, he may be the one, I just have to make sure first. It's not that I want to just date around and enjoy the single life, I've been single for the majority of my life. I've had my fill of that. I just want to find my future husband, rather its my current boyfriend, or someone else.
Okay here's my problem. I met this guy two years ago one night and we hit it off right away. He was amazing. He was also British and living in England at the time. He was in the US visiting a friend. After he left we talked on AOL instant messenger for months almost every day. We both knew that if we lived around each other we would have dated. Eventually we stopped talking and I met my current boyfriend.
About a month ago he sent me an e mail out of the blue that he would be back in my area soon. His friend was getting married here. I saw him while he was here twice. We didn't get to talk a whole lot but we had a blast together. All of the feelings I had for him came back. I know he has feelings for me but the distance thing is still there. Well he's going to be back in the US coaching soccer for six months not too far away from me. So he wants to see me again and I want to see him too but I have a boyfriend! That would be wrong.
My feeling about my boyfriend was always that when it was time to move on and experience love with someone else I would know when the time was right. I always thought it would feel like it was time. I know that if we were ever to break up and stay broken up this summer would be the best time for it because he has moved back home for the summer so he's about an hour away. It would be harder to see each other then. We have the same group of friends, so while he's here we always run into each other, on accident and on purpose. That doesn't make it too easy to get over one another. Which is why we always get back together. I just don't know if I'm ready to end it yet. It scares me but I know that the longer I wait, the harder it will be. It's hard to end a relationship for this reason. If we weren't working, it would be different. He knows how I feel about seeing other people some day. But I know it would break his heart.
The issue with the English guy is forcing me to make a desicion one way or the other. I will be in his area in two months and I know we'll see each other. I have tickets for a soccer game and I think he wants to go with me. Basically I don't know what to do here. I guess I'm afraid if I break up with my boyfriend and this English guy turns out to be a bad idea, I'm left with nothing but a broken heart.
On the other hand, what if the English guy is the one? I'll never know unless I give it a try. His friend moved here from England to get married so I guess in my mind maybe that could happen with him too, moving here I mean. Plus I've always wanted to see England. I need some advice here. I just don't know what to do. But I have to make a choice, I can't have both.

Hi eec_123,
Ok, here's the thing about your dilemma: sometimes doing the 'right' thing isn't the thing we WANT to do, but ultimately, it's the 'right' thing to do. And, when we do the right thing, things will generally work out for the better. For ourselves and for others.
You stated << My problem is the fact that I could never marry my first love. I would have doubts as to if he was the one or if I wasn't strong enough to let him go to see what else was out there before settling down.>>
This is VERY good of you to realize. It's realistic and smart. It's using your head. The hard part of these lessons is that ... when there's love involved, the heart and the head don't always see eye-to-eye. The heart clouds our vision.
Someone once told me ... "it's not difficult to make decisions when you know what your values are." If you know what you value, for yourself, you'll be able to make your decision.
<< Who knows, he may be the one, I just have to make sure first. It's not that I want to just date around and enjoy the single life, I've been single for the majority of my life. I've had my fill of that. I just want to find my future husband, rather its my current boyfriend, or someone else.>>
Who knows, he may be ... he may not. You just have to have faith and do what's right and best for you. You're 22. Your adult single life has only been 4 years, much less the majority of it. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a lot of time. You may believe you've had your fill of being single, but reality is, you haven't had much time at all to really know.
My advice is: don't think about finding 'the one' at this point of your life. Not everyone you meet or date is a potential husband. If you pursue dating this way, you're going to be awfully disappointed. (take it from an 'ol 35-year-old here! ha!) If you pursue relationships and dating with a 'take it as it comes, enjoy it' mindset ... you'll be much happier in your pursuit ... without the expectations that come along with 'is he the one?' Let things unfold w/out putting pressure on yourself or expectations and it will be much more enjoyable.
As for your current boyfriend, if you've got someone else on your mind, is it fair to him to continue in the relationship? You'd stated << I always thought it would feel like it was time >> ... well hon, it's time ... thinking about someone else and wondering about being able to spend time with the English guy is your sign that it's time to move on. Because, even if things with your bf are GREAT ... if you're wondering about someone else, it's not THAT great ... and it's not fair to you or him.
As for << The issue with the English guy is forcing me to make a desicion one way or the other.>>
Well, no one can force you to make a decision. If you have to make it in your own time, and your own way. You owe it to yourself and your bf to resolve your relationship before you move on (potentially) with someone else. Let the English guy know that you have unfinished business at home and that you can't make a decision as far as he's concerned until you finish this first. If he can't accept that, then ... he isn't the guy for you. You have to make your OWN decision first before making a decision about what this other guy wants you to do. Make sense?
My advice: dont' involve yourself with the English guy any further until you resolve what you need to do with your current bf. If he can't respect that, he isn't worth it. It will be very clear as to what kind of guy he is in how he responds to this. Because, if you don't end things with your bf first, and you go see Mr. British, you'd just be cheating on your bf. Even if nothing happens physically with you guys, you're spending time with someone else that you have feelings for, and there is a such thing as cheating emotionally.
<< His friend moved here from England to get married so I guess in my mind maybe that could happen with him too, moving here I mean. >>
You're thinking way too far ahead. Address what's on the table here, first and foremost. Concerning yourself with what MIGHT happen that far ahead in the future is futile. I mean, you don't even have a relationship with the English guy yet. Why concern yourself with the thought of him MAYBE moving here someday? Put these thoughts out of your mind, and let things unfold naturally. Sure, you have to take a chance in life and love. No risk, no reward. But, by looking that far ahead ahead and thinking about the possible outcome, the possibility of him perhaps moving here someday ... it's pointless at this point to think about that ... because you don't have a relationship with him yet. First things first.
<< But I have to make a choice, I can't have both. >>
Think of it this way: what if the choice isn't about your bf or the English guy. What if the choice is about what's BEST for YOU!? That's really what this is about. I really don't believe that making a choice to end a relationship with one person only to jump right into something with someone else is the best choice. You need to give yourself time to transition. But, if you think that Mr. British is worth taking the chance, then you'll never know until you give it a shot.
I do believe that how English guy responds to your letting him know that you need to finish things with your bf before you can make any decision about him will tell you A LOT about whether he's right for you or not. I mean, if he can't respect that you need to properly finish up things at home before deciding what to do ... if you feel that he's forcing you to make a decision ... he needs to understand that you have an obligation to someone else right now ... so, would you want to be with someone who can't respect that? Probably not. So, do that, first and foremost, and you will have a lot of answers for yourself about the situation.
Good luck! !