I just have one more question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
I just have one more question
9
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 9:14am

Hi. I have other posts on here but I have one last question. I was talking to my ex about getting back together and he got upset because he said I was giving him the reassurance he needed from me to know that we were committed to trying, still cared for the other and there were no doubts. I did not tell him this each day because I have told him for th elast year now when we were split up how I needed to talk about us rather then just small talking and then getting back together. In the past we would do that but then split again. I told him this time we need to have that conversation, get things out and try to resolve them so we dont split again. We didnt have that talk, just small talk on our way to the gym or out, never long or deep conversations. I couldnt allow myself to open up like that. Anyway, he said he deserved better then that and he cant be that way. I told him why that I could not be open until we had that talk, I told him that he needed something from me so he could open up more and I needed something from him so I could open up more. I told him I was sorry for that but I think we were both waiting and ther was a disconnect between us becasue of that but I also told him how I felt, it had nothing to do with that. I told him how I felt over the last year about how much I loved him. Anyway, I left this message for him saying that if it wont work then we finally have to cut all contact if this was how it would be.

My question is...if he truly cared for me as he says that he really wanted to make it work this time then wouldnt he call and say ok, I nderstand, itwas a miscimmunication or that he would have that talk with me so we can be more open. we have broken up before and he knows of my insecurities too, he knows how imporatnt it is to me. If he really wanted me wouldnt he say ok, miscimmunication , now its out in th eoepn so lets try.

if he just lets it go, lest me go, I told him I made a mistake that I didnt do that and I accepted it. If he wanted this wouldnt he try that? Or should I just go by the saying of let him go and if its meant to be then he will come back or what they say about if a man wants you then he will give you what you need with open arams, men or woman. I told him everything, how I feel, how sorry I am, how there was that misunderstanding and why, how important it was for me for us to talk so we wouldnt split again. he hasnt said anything or stopped me. Actually last week he said that when he tells me he cant be with me I release alot of feelings but when he is talking to em I dont. I guess so, if we are talking for 10 minyutes on the phone about qwork I am not going to start crying about my feelings but if he is telling em things that reant true about me then yes I will correct him. He says he is afarid I wont be like that when he is with me.

Wold it be ok to assume that it is more about him and him hearing somoene tell him how great he is or how much they love him and if they dont do that then he doesnt want them, but what about me. Wat about just talking to me. Does both my questions make sense?? Sorry for the spelling errors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 9:44am
sounds like he has some insucurities and has trouble opening up until you do, but when you do, does he tell you what you want to hear, and if so, maybe he is just doing that because he doesnt want to talk about feelings, most men dont. especially if it is the same thing over and over. if he hasnt called you back, i would try to move on. if it is meant to be fate will step in, if not you can have closer and meet someone who is right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:04pm
I'm not quite sure what it is you're wanting to know. Can I please tell you what I do know based on experience?? My SO and I both have this philosophy..that if it didn't work the first time around, RARELY does it work the second..or third...or fourth. You get the picture. How many of us get into relationships that split for one reason or another, get back together just to split again? Too many times this happens. Something else...it absolutely has no prayer of working if he won't address the issues causing problems in the first place and getting them settled. Whatever was broken has to be fixed. If you won't talk about it you can't fix it. Guys are hesitant to talk about feelings. I think that applies in certain circumstances. It's been my experience that a man who really wants things to work out will open up and try to get to the root of whatever the problem is, uncomfortable or not. They want it to work and even a man knows this is the only way to fix something. They're smarter than that. If he won't address the issues, and you decide to give up on this relationship, don't look back. You can't go forward if you're always looking over your shoulder into the past. I wish you all the best. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:17pm

The questions that you have get a little lost in the post ~ but correct me if I'm wrong, you're trying to ask if it's important to him to make the relationship work, wouldn't it be important to him to do (or talk about) what you feel is important to talk about??

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:06pm

Thank you for replying and you did address it. I was very upset when I wrote my message this morning and when I re-read it just now, I couldn't even understand what i was saying. I apologize for that, to everyone.

Yes, you did answer my question. We have split many times before and I feel I am to balme in the sense that he doesn't trust me so I feel every time something goes wrong he runs away from me. When we met I was separated but not yet divorced and so my h lived me with me on the weekends, well stayed there, kept his stuff there since eh traveled during the week. Anyway, it was both our home, we were trying to sell it and we both were moving on we just didnt advertise it. This was five years ago, been divorced since then too. Anyway, when I met this guy he knew that but eh didnt know he was still living in the house. Obviously I hurt him big time and we split up. But, we got back together and my H moved out finally and we were great again. I know he has trust issues with me and i have aplogized over and over again, I have done little things to show him he can trust me, whatever he has asked. Whenever he brings it up I have no problem talking about it. For the last four years I have listened to him yell at me, scream, cry, whatever and i take full responsibility for me.

The problem is, every time something goes wrong he says he doesnt trust me. I understand it takes years and years for that to come back but at the same time, we will split over something that doesn't always deal with trust. We will fight and then he will tellme to leave or he doesnt know what he wants to do and he says he leaves me all the time becasue he doesnt want me to hurt him like before and I would cry and cry and try to explain to him, please dont leave this has nothing to do with that but he leaves all the time. So with this, I dont know if I shoudl just do hwat he needs, reassure him all the time and not push the subject of talking. Iknowhe hates talking, he sya swe see things differntly that he doesnt see why talk about the past that we should just reassue the other that we will be there. BUt, dont you think we should.

I battle everyday that maybe I shoudl justy do what he asks and instead of getting mas at him for ignoring a phone call or not asnwering a question I should tellmyself it is my fault this happened and i need ot just bite the bullet so I could be with him.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:07pm
My whole story is post number five if you want to check it out but if I am the reason for splitting up, as he feels he has no choice to leave me for th epast then should I or expect him to do what I need to make ti work or do I let it go and just be how he needs me to be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:56pm

Oh... ok.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 3:36pm

Yes, it was a couple years ago and he brings it up a lot. I have this battle in my head of do I walk away because I kow he wont communicate with me and I am someone that does like to talk things out. I have been with other men that do or at least tried and I dont feel he wants to, will do it or feel he should. he says he needs reassarnce but in th epast he has told me a number of times this same thing and i will go on and on about how much I love him and how sorry I am for the past and if he felt that i was not showing committment I would try to explain, I took responsibility ALL the time. I really did. I battle becasue I dont know if I should just accept this behavior becasue it is my doing to cause him to question or have doubts so do I just let it go and let him kind of lead the way or do I say what i think. Should I be upset for him doing such things. Should I feel for once he should come and get me and talk or do whatever. I think what really gets me and i know everyone looks at things differently but he would say how I am the one, he wants a life with me, doesnt want to be with anyone else BUT thenif I dont say what he feels he should hear or take away his untrust, is that a word, then he says he deserves better and he lets me walk. He doesnt try to stop me and if I tell someone I love them I mean it, there is no option but he lest me go.

I otld him last night that I was sorry and that he was right he did tell me mwhat he needed and i did not deliver. I also told him that I was not disregarding his feelings its just that there was a miscommunication on ourparts becasue he needed me to do something before he could open up and i needed him to do something before I could open up. I tol him this not in mean way. I think it makes sense. I think it is something that people can say ok then lets try again or lets try to do this at the same time. I also said if it is over then we cant communicate anymore at all becasue the contact keeps my hopes up and i cdant move on, in a nice way which is something he also said when he told me if it does not work then it would be too hard to talk, which I agree. I did not hear anything from him. NO call, no dont go, no lets try, nothing. So do I keep calling him and fighting for him or do I let it go. Do I fight becasue ofmy pain to him in th 4past or do I say ok...if he wnats to try again then he will call me.????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 5:03pm

Personally, I'd let it go.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:57am
first of all- you need to stop blaming yourself for the realtionship problems, a relationship takes 2. you have to do what feels right in your heart and what is best for you and him, but you come first. if you plan on changing who you are to please someone else then he is not the right person for you, loving someone means loving them completely faults and all.