I lost the man i was supposed to marry
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:06pm |
Well, my friend advised me to come to the cosmo site to get advise from other women! I drive her crazy all day at work with my cries and questions!
But this is the situation, My boyfriend (ex now) and i had been dating for 8 months now. He was a great boyfriend to me, something i am not used to. He would call me all day, see me all the time, buy me gifts, he got along great with my family everything was just wonderful. We even spoke about marriage, he told me i was the girl he was looking for his whole life and that he was so happy to had found me! I felt like my life was finally coming together! We told each other everything! We really were bestfriends. Until stupid me went out of control! My good friend (girl) and I went out one night, we got so drunk! And we ended hooking up(had sex)! I felt guilty but at the same time i felt like i could tell my boyfriend that that happend and he would get over it! But i was wrong!!!!!!!! He lost it! He broke up with and accused me of cheating (although it was with a girl)! I explained to him that it didnt mean anything to me at all(which its true) and to please forgive me! He said i had broken the bond we had, and that it didnt matter it was with a girl, and that the fact that it was with a good friend of mine made it worst because we would always be in each others life and he would always have to wonder if we are hooking up when we hang out! I told him it was a night of stupidity and that it would never happen again, that i owuld even drop my friendship with her! He wont forgive me! I am DEVASTED!!! I cant function! He says we could remain friends, so i would text and call him and he would respond but this weekend that stopped! Now he is not talking to me @ all! And i dont know what to do!!!! What should i do? Should i continue calling and insisting to be heard although i apologized and swore to him i would never do something like that again, or should i just let him be for now? I dont want to be with out him, he is my heart, my everything! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED! what do i do?
Please Help!

Pages
What you do, is step back from the friendship you want with him, or any r'ship. He needs time to heal. You betrayed his trust, and yes, it does NOT matter if it was another woman, YOU HAD SEX AND CHEATED!!!!
He doesn't trust you and for good reason. So, please don't downplay it by saying she is a woman. I'm sure there are many lesbians who would say they have sex and make love to their partners, so don't insult them, by saying it wasn't sex, and it was ONLY a girl. Broken trust, is broken trust.
My two cents. Learn from this lesson. 1. Don't drink so much, 2. Figure out why you had sex with your good friend (most friends don't do that, even if they are drunk), are you bi-sexual? Just experimenting? Is she attracted to you? Was this seriously a one time thing? and 3. Leave him be for now. A friendship with you can't happen just yet, because he's hurting.
Lastly. If you love him, you'll let him go so he can heal. It'll be his choice if he ACCEPTS your apology or not. You can't do anything more than you've already done. And if you try to FORCE him to "hear you out" he'll only get more angry and hurt, and that'll end up pushing him away. I would simply tell him, "i know I hurt you and betrayed your trust, I'm sorry. Please call me when you feel you can talk to me again". and leave it at that.
Good luck. and i hope you learned a lot from this.
Yeah, she told me to post on cosmo to get advise from different people, I drive her crazy all day at work! I will email you, immediately i get a chance!
In respond to the other post, I wasnt trying to insult lesbians, what i meant to say was that for me it was not a passionate, love making session. For me it was just drunken sex! We all make mistakes, and yes i have learned from it!
for me its hard to just step away from him because i dont want him to have enough time to get used to not being around me
"for me its hard to just step away from him because i dont want him to have enough time to get used to not being around me"
I think, you need to realize how selfish that is. Just put yourself in his place. how woudl you feel if he cheated on you? and then kept calling to apologize, beg for forgiveness, and even though you want to just go away for awhile, he's not allowing it.
please, be the bigger person here, you made a mistake, and you have to live with that mistake. the least you can do, is to stop "torturing" him by forcing yourself in his life, when he's trying to heal from that pain. let him come to you. that's why i said to tell him that last piece. that you truly are sorry, and that you hope you two can be friends one day. but it's NOT going to happen on your timeline. i'm sorry i'm being harsh, but you seem to be acting very selfishly, only caring about how YOU feel, not him.
Im not trying to be selfish, I just want him to realize that i am sincerly sorry!
Buttom line is that i miss him so much, and i just want to make him feel better! I wish i could start from 0 again!
But i do understand that having (if he ever comes back) his trust again will take time and me showing him that i would never do him wrong!
You have got to ask yourself this: If your boyfriend went out for a night on the town, got totally drunk, and slept with his best friend - female or male, would you be able to forgive him for it, and take him back? Would you be able to toss it up as a mistake and get past it, and still accept the best friend into your life? Try and put yourself in his shoes.
I am sorry you made this mistake, and I hope it works out for you.
I don't doubt for one minute, that he doesn't know that you're sincerely sorry. But sorry doesn't make up for most betrayal's and make it all better.
I know you're not trying to be selfish, I didn't say that. I said you're acting selfish. You are hurting because you did something wrong. he KNOWS your sorry. But that does NOT mean he has to forgive you (now, or ever). You did what you could....apolgizing, telling him what a huge mistake it was, etc, but it wasn't enough (not right now) to save the r'ship. That is something you're just going to have to live with.
Just know. He knows you love him, he knows you are truly very sorry. But his heart is completely broken right now, because of your actions. If you think you're hurting because you miss him, I'm sure his is hurting 100x more because you betrayed his trust.
I'm just saying, leave him be for awhile. give him some space to breathe, to recover, to digest what happened. Give him time to greive over this loss, and if he still feels a lot of love for you, and is able to forgive, I'm sure he'll come back. I can't promise he'd forgive you, however, if he comes back, you'll know he's either forgiven you and can ONLY be a friend, or loves you very much still and is willing to let it go.
You just said the same things he told me! I am crying because you are right! I have to leave him alone! Let him get over things if he is ever able to. Hopefully he will find it in his heart to forgive me and give me another chance, so that i could repair all the damage i have caused!
Thank you so much,
I guess i just needed to hear the words he told me from somebody else to understand that its only normal for him to react the way he has! i just need to let him go! It just breaks my heart to come to terms with that!
Hugs, I know it's hard. I do. And try not to beat yourself up over what happend. You made a mistake, you aplogized, for now, accept that you did that, learned a valuable lesson, and now have to grieve the r'ship.
Hugs to you. Seriously. You are entitled to your own hurt, and I konw you hurt. But for now, think of his pain....instead of your own.
Be strong. this too shall pass.
I know I gave you advise last night but try and take it easy. Try to not be so hard on yourself. Trsut me when I say I have made the same mistakes and many more with my ex that I was supposed to marry. You didn't do it with intent to hurt him and keep telling yourself that, it was a mistake! It's been a year since me and my ex broke up and I still carry the weight of guilt for what I did to him. Even know he still brings up the past and he says it hurts. I may have to spend the rest of my life saying I'm sorry but if that's what it takes I will b/c I love him tons as you love your dude. People will say there pieces of advise and it's your choice what you listen to and apply. I believe that true love conquers all and no one is in any position to judge the other! You made a mistake and when you love you forgive or atleast you try. As far as you, you have to try and step back. I have done the whole in your face attack and it just made him hurt more. Even know I have to wait sometimes when he gets mad to let him cool off and not be so angry from the hurt. It's a long healing process for them and I don't blame them. A lot of people will try and then give up but if he really loves you like you love him he will find it in his heart to come back and forgive. Trust in your relationship and in what you both shared. That's what I do and it brings me peace. hugs!
Pages