I love her, but cant get over her past

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
I love her, but cant get over her past
4
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:00pm

Well me and my gf finally had the talk late sat. night about each others sexual past. We were at a party, got drunk came home had sex and then spent the night talking. I dont really remember who the subject came up, but it did.

So she has been with 8 people before me. I kinda think thats alot, but what can you do. What really bothers me is that 3 of the 8 people she still see on a daily basis.

One guy works at the hospital with her

One is the coach for her womans softball team

And the other guy's family is close friends with hers and also bar tends at a bar she/we sometimes go to.

I never had a problem with any of these guys before, but now I know when I see them, all I'm going to think about is that my gf slept with them.

It been racing through my mind ever since we talked about it.

And she knows its bothering me b/c she could tell I havent been myself. When i told her she started crying. She said she loves me soo much and i love her sooo much to. I just dont know what to do now.

This is eating at me inside sooo F****** bad.

How can I get over someones past?

I've been all messed up in the head the past couple days since me and my gf talked about our sexual pasts. I havent been eating, feeling nauseous, heart broken and depressed.

I love this girl so much. Of all the people I have been in a relationship she is the one and she feels the same way.

This driving me crazy and I dont want it to damage our realtionship.
Its hard.

All the time I'm around them I think how she was with them.

Then I start wondering all these diff things.

Like was she the same way in bed with them as she was with me?

They know what my gf is like in bed

They know what she looks like naked

etc etc

its like what should be intimate between me and her these other guys now. And the one's I dont know or will probably never see doesnt bother me

It the ones that I do see that do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:59pm

My two cents....as harsh as it may be....

Get over yourself.

I know you, and every other man wants a woman to be a virgin so he can believe they have something special, but the truth remains, any woman who's been with another guy, has been intimate with them too.

She has had sex with other men, loved other men, done thigns with other men, that you may never do with her (and I'm not talking sexually, just generally).

And yet, she's with you. She's in love with you. She wants to be with you. She shares her body WITH YOU NOW, not them. Yeah, they've seen her naked, and when they see her looking hot, who goes home with HER? YOU DO!!! You get to ravish her at the end of the day, they do not. If she's looking extra sexy, they get frustrated, you get pleased.

So, instead of thinking about all the things THEY did with her, think of the things they canNOT do with her, cuz she's chosen you.

I know it's not easy, and your mind starts to wander a lot, but when you get to that point, tell yourself...."I have a past also, and if she left me because she couldn't accept it, how would I feel?" If you love her, for her, you'll accept her, and realize those men mean nothing to her now......they are not her lovers, nor will be again. They are her friends, and that's it.

So you can either accept her and her friends and lovers, or reject her. No amount of love will change your mind later, if you can't overcome it now.

Good luck. If I can do it, queen of insecurity and jealousy, you can too.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:34pm

I hate to say it but this isn't about her past it's about YOUR insecurity. And I should know because I've had to deal with that kind of insecurity myself and it was NOT easy.

Focus on this part of what pineapplegirl said, "And yet, she's with you. She's in love with you. She wants to be with you."

But the first step is really admitting to yourself and to HER that this is YOUR problem to deal with. Ask for her support and reassure her that you aren't upset with her or holding her past against her and that you TRUST her.

These are things I had to do and they worked!!! It took time but they worked, and yeah it made me a little nuts, but I learned to divert my attention to other things and to remind myself what a great guy I have and how lucky I am that he's mine all mine NOW.

One last thing, try to find something that you two share that you find reassuring and don't be afraid to ask her to give that to you when you're feeling insecure. For example, my fiance does a "Heeeeey, Boo-boo." thing in a Yoga Bear voice, don't ask me why but it always makes me smile. So when I'm feeling insecure and it's leading to irrational thoughts I'll ask him to do that or I'll just give him a hug. It just reminds me that I'm being silly and that I have nothing to worry about I know I'm the woman he loves.

I hope this helps but until you can admit it's not about her it's about YOU, you wont make much progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:11pm
It's not easy to get throught that but bottomline is youhave to try and get through it. You love her and she loves you don't throw that awy b/c your thoughts are consuming you. How foolish would you be. Your mind is a very powerful thing and you have control over it. Take control of your mind and move on with her by your side :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:59pm

If you want to have a relationship with her, you're going to have to learn to accept this. I got heart and jealous about something my boyfriend said had happened between him and an ex-girlfriend of his. But then I realized, this all happened before we were in a relationship. How was he supposed to know that I would come into his life someday? How was he supposed to know to save certain things for me when he didn't even know me?

You say that was what supposed to be intimate between you and her is between these other guys now, as though she cheated on you. But she didn't. From the moment, you and her decided to be exclusive, at whatever point that was, she has wanted to share her body only with you. Whatever else had happened was done with by that point. If you trust her, you have to start appreciating how faithful she has been from the moment you've been in her life, rather than getting all hurt just because she didn't have prophetic powers back then to predict that someday she'd be with you.