I love him more than he loves me
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| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:59pm |
I've been dating a guy for 18 months (give or take). We'll call him J. We met in school. He is 31, divorced with 3 daughters. I'm 25, never been married, no kids. When I met J he was involved with somebody else (not his ex wife). She treated him very badly, cheating, lying, etc. When that finally ended he and I started dating. We moved in together last November. I love this man so much! He is everything I ever wanted. I've mentioned marriage- not that I'm looking to rush into it, but I was asking for a "ballpark figure", i.e.- are you thinking it'll be months, years, or possibly never (so that I understand where his head is at)? He told me that while part of him wants to be married again, part of him is really scared of the possibility. He told me he loves me, and that we're great together (which we are), but that "something is missing" in our relationship. His last relationship was filled with drama and some really low lows, but also really high highs. My sense is that he misses that passionate feeling. I'm not as fun and exciting as she was. He doesn't want to break up, neither do I. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells alot, I'm terrified to screw up and I hold back when I get angry at him. I don't want to be a doormat, but I'm scared to do something that would make him want to leave. He says he doesn't know how to make me understand that he wants to be with me more than by just being with me.
So here's the question: Am I asking for too much too soon from a man with enough baggage to fill a cross country freight train? Should I just wait it out and see what happens? He acknowledges that I feel more for him than he does for me- is that the sort of this that grows and changes with time, or am I just kidding myself? How likely is it that he loves our good relationship, but not me? I don't want to leave. I love him and his kids and his family. But I don't want to spend years with this guy only to have him tell me down the road that he just doesn't love me enough, and have my heart broken more than it already would be if I cut my losses now. This has been very hard on me, I'm sad alot. I have a hard time communicating with him when I'm upset- like I said before, I'm so scared to screw up that I keep my mouth shut, even though that drives him crazy. Me being down so much lately doesn't help matters, as I'm no fun to be around.
Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated.

I'm sorry...I think he's comfortable with you, but if he feels "something is missing" then I don't think that's going to change. It would be one thing if he said, "I need more time, but I do see us getting married as a real possibility". But that's not what he said. And being with you isn't the same as making a real commitment to you.
How long would you be willing to stay with him if it never developed into anything more than what you have now? If the answer is not another day, then you know what you need to do.
Sheri
Don't confuse "passion" with drama.
I dated a guy that I realized over time (and probably too late) was addicted to drama. He had been divorced from someone with massive psychological problems. I was way too normal, grounded and sane for him. He loved the sanity for awhile, but then left for another relationship that offered far more drama. I'm dating someone else now, and trust me - normal, grounded and healthy can still be fantastically passionate.
He is telling you straight out that something is missing for him. Don't read anything into that or think this is a euphemism for something else - he is telling you exactly what he thinks. I've found that when someone has a LOT of "baggage" they packed most of it themselves!
It seems that you are very unhappy in this relationship. You know what you want, he doesn't and you're scared to lose him. Are you more scared to lose him or to stay in this type of relationship?
Being older and obviously more experienced he probably fears getting hurt again. Then again, who's to say thathe did not sabbotage his prior relationships as it seems he is this one?
Now tell me, why is it thathe is not as interested in you as you are in him? Does that not strike you as odd. I would think that an older man should be proud to have a younger woman at his side. And really, do you need all of his baggage?
He says that there is something missing in the relationship yet does not tell you what. You mentioned that perhaps you are not passionate enough, Why would you think that? Do not be taken advantage of. If you allow him to walk all over you and drag you along, who's to say he will ever marry you? You need to take care of yourself and believe that any man that does not show that he is head over heels in love with you after 18 months is a lost cause.
Hello, Just a couple thoughts from a newbie on the boards (but an old hand at relationships):
1.) I got involved with an abusive 33 year old man when I was only 18. I didn't realize until a couple years later, when breaking up with him, that it was never him so much that I was in love with, as that nurturing of his precious son he had custody of, that made him attractive to begin with. Is it possible that his daughters, and your attachment to them, are complicating things for you?
2.) As an encouragement, I would say that everyone has a need to be themself in a relationship, ...or there really is no relationship. Others have said it better, but I concurr with them. You should not have to walk around on egg shells, afraid of messing things up! No man is worth that! You deserve to be loved as you are.... warts and all! ...mistakes and all! I think he just has a good thing there with you, and it sounds like he is taking advantage of you. (JMHO)Best wishes! Mary
My two cents, from the other side of the coin.
I too have always felt somthing was missing from my r'ship with my now husband. To this day, almost 4 years later, that something is still missing. HOWEVER, I love him, I am committed to him, I love our life together, I love everything about us. But yes, something IS missing.
What I've come to realize is what is missing is that INTENSE feeling of chemistry, of passion, the DRAMA. All of it. I was used to that life, a life of intense emotions, intense feelings. Of never being satiated by the person. Is that a healthy r'ship? No way, no how.
What I have now, is healthy, is good, is strong. Will I forever feel like something is missing. Probably. Will I leave him because of it, I will say, I did once, and regretted it almost instantly. Will I ever leave him again because of it, no. I will never have drama in my life with him, and after getting used to that, and accepting this is how it should be, and learning to live a life w/o that, I am content. I have never been content before. I always felt you had to, and must be HAPPY HAPPY.
I can't say he won't leave you, but I will say this. I think you not being yourself, and being more passive to make him stay, will push him to leave. Be yourself. Do what you normally do. I'm not saying cause drama, but if you get angry, get angry. He'll leave, if he wants, regardless of what you do, so you might as well be yourself.
I chose to stay with a man, that yes, something is missing, because the other 95% is pretty damned good. AND because I do love him, I wnat to be with him, I want to share my life with him and I can't picture anyone else in my life with me, as much as I can him. Missing something, or not.
Good luck. Just be true to you....and don't try to be someone you're not, to keep him.