I might be having an insecurity attack!
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I might be having an insecurity attack!
| Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:46am |
Need a little advice here. I started dating a guy about 5 months ago and its gotten pretty serious, pretty fast. So much so that we're talking about moving in together and he tells me I'm going to be his wife. When he first said that, I asked him if he'd ever said that to anyone before, and he said he hadn't - he'd never been this sure (this was 2 months ago). Well, I inadvertently (honestly) stumbled into a saved instant message conversation on his computer today named "Abbey Love" (Abbey is the girl he dated for a few months about 2 months before he met me). So I read this document (I know, my bad). It was pretty standard girlfriend/boyfriend stuff, some lovey, some sexual, but at one point he said that he couldn't wait until he could wake up every morning next to her, that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together, and that she was going to be his wife. I'm not sure if this should concern me (technically, he lied to me), or if I'm just being insecure and overly sensitive (I mean, I know he's had other girlfriends). Any advice for how to interpret and handle this??

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure if it would change your position at all, but I know that document was not created when he and I were together - it was from when he and Abbey had started dating. I'm not concerned that he's still seeing her while seeing me. And, shouldn't I be scolded for technically snooping around on his computer when he's given me no reason to not trust him? Further, could I possibly approach him about this when he, just like any guy would, will be pissed about my nosiness and apparent lack of trust for him? Especially if he has a truly honest explanation for what seems like a blatant lie.
Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Thanks!
I think you need to take a careful look at your relationship with your boyfriend because he flat out lied to you. If I were you, I would be worried about what other things he has lied to you about. I think it would be a bad idea to move in with him right now and you should wait longer until you know for sure that you can trust him. You should definitely tell him that you inadvertently came across this chat message and ask him why he lied to you.
It can be understandable if he would of said that he never had said that to anyone before because he didn't want to ruin the moment but he took it farther by saying that he wasn't sure about anyone before like he is with you. If he would have just left it at no it would of been easier to forgive (in my own opinion) but he added more lies to the lie.
I wouldn't worry about it. I've thought I was going to marry two people before I met my fiance and I said things like that to them. Looking back I can see that I said those things not because they were 100% true but becasue I really WANTED them to be. It is ENTIRELY possible that your boyfriend like myself was fortunate enough to experience a really great relationship, or two, before he met the person he felt truly "sure" of.
This IS NOT a bad thing. I know maybe he should have been truthful with you, but if he had been, would that have hurt you and made you less secure about his love for you, just as finding out the truth did? Sure it would have. You probably wouldn't be human if it didn't. (By the way, this is EXACTLY why I have never and WILL NEVER ask my fiance that question.) So he lied to try to save you any pain or insecurity the truth may have caused. How big a deal is that really?
That's a rather personal choice, personally over time I have accepted that I don't believe all lies are created equal. I don't think just because a person tells a white lie here or there they are essentially dishonest or untrustworthy. I lie to to save people's feelings, why should I judge others who lie to save mine?
I do think you should be honest with him. Explain how you accidentally found the message and that you know it was wrong to read it, but your curiosity got the better of you. Ask him to forgive you for your minor snooping and (if you believe you mean it) promise it wont happen again. Then ask him to explain why he lied.
If his situation is similar to mine he'll probably explain why he lied and with a well placed question or two from you he might also reveal why he said it to her as well and how this time with you is different.
If you have never been in love before and never thought you would marry someone else, this may all be a little difficult for you and you may need to ask that he be understanding of a little jealousy or insecurity while you adjust to this new information.
If this is your first and only love, you are truly fortunate, but don't condem him just beacsue he opened his heart to someone else before he opened it to you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he isn't being truthful when he says you are the one he's sure about.
Speaking from my personal experience I can tell you that the sureness I feel about my fiance is almost overwhelming. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. If that's how he feels about you and you feel the same way about him, you've got yourself a winner don't let a lie, meant to protect you, destroy that.
FYI - I meet my fiance online in December 2003, we had our first date in February 2004, we moved in together in June 2004, and he was talking marriage by July, by the following March we set a date, and on October 2 we'll be married. It was very scary for me moving so quickly, but every single instinct I possess told me he was the right man for me so I screwed up my courage and tackled my insecurities and I can't even explain how glad I am I did.
I'm 33 and I've been in my fair share of good relationships and a bad one, I've spent years as a single woman and I gained a LOT of insight into myself and, I think, into others. I've learned not to trust my heart or my head but to let my intuition guide me (once I located it). It may not work for everyone, but has worked for me and I highly recommend giving it a shot to anyone who knows the difference bewteen the three.
I agree with Nick on this one. I found my ex in a lie about a month after I met him, it was just a little one and had NOTHING to do with other women but to me it was a lie none the less. At the time I believed a lie is a lie no matter what. I no longer believe that however.I had just been lied to soooo many times in previous relationships that I didn't expect any different. and even thought the lie was just a little one----very little in fact, I was ready to pack my things and leave because I figured at the time one lie would lead to another and so on.
Well my instincts were wrong I stayed with him for 10 years and had NEVER caught him in a lie since. We have 2 wonderful children together and everything and he is still one of my best friends. Men say things all of the time and most of the time their memory doesn't last beyond a week at most, I believe your BF could have simply forgot(as he had said) about the whole thing. Sounds to me like you have a keeper,And I am glad he was soooo understanding about the whole thing, that in itself is another good quality he has. I think that if it were a big deal that he would have reacted differently when you told him you looked into his message archives, I think he would have gone into defense mode if there was something big happening there.
Good-luck!
Betty
All I can say is...be wary. I would SLOW things down. Why? Because, yes, although he may NOT remember saying this to Abbey, over IM, I also know MANY MANY men who say these things to get a woman to love him. All it takes is a man to make a woman feel like she's the ONLY one, to get her to do whatever he wants.
I am NOT saying he doesn't mean it, he very may well have. But then again, he may very well have meant it with Abbey too. The best way to lie, is to say you don't remember. That's the ultimate out. It's easy, there are no stories, etc. So, just be wary.
On a sad note, I have been told that same line you have, by many men. Men who tell me they have never "felt this way before", never "wanted to marry someone" before, or where I'd be their wife in a few months, blah blah blah.
in the end, it was all talk. Because in the end, all the lies came out. They didn't know ME, they weren't in LOVE WITH Me, they were in love with the IDEA of me.
There ARE men who are mushy about love, and IN LOVE with love. Who absolutely feel EVERY woman they "fall for" in a month or two, is THE ONE. Who they tell and honestly mean, they have never felt this way before. But yet, the r'ships don't last, and they move on. They find someone else, and they say all the same things. Do the same things. Not because they don't feel it, but because, they're just in love, with being in love.
My xh was like that, and because of some weird virus, I got an email to this woman that he wrote.....who was NOT his gf, and all the things he wrote her, is what he wrote me when we were dating, and probably all the same things he's said to his gf too.
So again.................be wary. I would take his reply with a grain of salt. I'm not saying snoop, but the "I don't remember" answer, is the BEST AND EASIEST lie to remember, and it's also the LAMEST excuse. I wouldn't move in with him. I would in fact tell him in light of recent events, that you want to slow things down, but not back off. Not move in, but continue this path. Get to know him first.
What's a few more months of your life...of NOT living with him, versus filing for divorce because he's not who you thought he was? Be safe. Don't mess up your life like I have...because you went into a marriage with your eyes half closed to the truth.
~pineapple_girl