I need advice!! No I love yous yet......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
I need advice!! No I love yous yet......
4
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:12am

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1yr 1month and things are great we enjoy hanging out he’s super sweet to me always calling beautiful and by little pet names. He takes me out a lot and would drop everything to help me if I needed it. A week before our 1yr anniversary I told him that I love him and said he wasn’t 100% sure if he was in love with me yet. He said he’s 99% sure but doesn’t want to say it till he’s 100%. He said I’m his favorite person to be with and cares more about than anyone and he would drop anything if I needed him and he loves hanging out with and has fun with me but there’s just something holding him back. He said he’s scared to say “I love you” because things change and he feels like he isn’t going to be able to do the things he wants anymore its only going to be what I say goes and he always says he doesn’t like to talk about the future he only takes things one day at a time because there is no point talking about something that might not happen. He is 26 and says he doesn’t want to get married for along time but occasionally mentions moving in together, but I just laugh it off likes he’s joking because he has always said he doesn’t want to live with a girl till he’s ready to marry her.

Here is a little background on him I’m his second long term gf and the first one he dated for 4yrs (during college) and things ended very badly. She was controlling and manipulative and cheated on him several time during their relationship. For 2 years he wanted out but she would just cry and say sorry and say I can’t live without etc etc to make him feel bad. He felt trapped and says it was partly because they talked about the future and she would bring that up saying we planned to get married etc if you break up with my life is over. They broke up almost 3yrs ago and he hasn’t had a girlfriend for more than 2months since me. He is still friends with this ex-girlfriend but after the split they never hooked up or got back together at all…when it was over it was over.

However she jumped right into a serious relationship but recently broke up with that guy and was trying to get back together with my boyfriend but he made it very clear to her that it was over he’s exclusively committed to me and if she cant accept that then they can’t be friends so she cooled off on her attempts but I still think she wants him back.

Its been a month since I told him and we haven’t discussed it since then and he hasn’t said it back yet. I don’t know what to do. I love him and have fun with him and he has fun with me and I feel like he loves me he’s just scared to say it. I need some advice on the situation. Does this happen often with guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:34pm
I recently broke-up with a guy I dated for 5 years. During that time he could never say "I love you" back. He blamed it on a bad divorce....almost 30 years ago. Towards the end he was responding to me by saying "ditto". Speaking from experience, I would set a time as to how long you will wait to hear those words from him. Just don't waste 5 years like I did. There is nothing more depressing than that span of silence after you've told someone you love them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:47pm

hey,

i just got out of a similar situation. my ex and i were together for 7 months and he couldn't say 'i love you'. he kept asking for more time and telling me that he doesn't like to feel pressured. i finally broke it off. in my case i'm in my early thirties and i didn't want to waste my time with the wrong guy.

i think bottom line is that you know deep down inside if someone loves you. you just feel it. and men make so many sacrifices for women they love. if saying the words 'i love you' mean so much to you, if he does loves you he will shout it out loud in a public place for you. atleast that's the kind of guy you deserve. someone who loves you that much. plus after a year you really know a person and he should know by now if he loves you.

i would suggest talking to him about it and telling him how you feel. and if he asks for more time, setting a time limit in your head and then breaking it off with him if he still hasn't said it. but the good thing is that he is honest. atleast you know where you stand with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:45pm
I know how you feel...I’m in the same situation as well. I’ve been dating my BF for a long time...and it’s been a long time since I first said "I love you" to him. I haven’t pressured him or really brought it up much...just been waiting and waiting. I agree with the other advice to keep a certain time frame in mind of how long you are willing to wait for him to say those words. Trust me, the longer you wait the more it will weigh down on you and eat away at your feelings for him. If you havnt already, express to him how important it is to you to be in a loving relationship with mutual feelings. Tell him you understand his history and why he might be scared in expressing those feelings that he considers to be "too soon" but that you cant wait forever. I don’t mean an ultimatum or anything...but he definitely needs to know how it matters to you and your happiness in the relationship. If one or the other in a relationship isn’t feeling happy it inevitably affects the other one as well. You've been dating more than a year, its time he figures it out. All this advice is easier said than done for sure. When you love someone the natural inclination is to stick around hoping they will love you too. If you wait long enough though, you'll discover that those feelings have dissolved to the point where its easy to say goodbye.
I hope everything works out for you. By what you said, it sounds like he loves you but has just had a bad experience in the past. His overcompensation is adversely affecting the relationship. I hope he doesnt learn that lesson too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:44pm

to not say i love you to someone because he's scared of change and that he won't be able to do the things he wants too... that is just ridiculous.