I need help with mixed signals...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
I need help with mixed signals...
9
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:49am
Please forgive me for how long this is...I'm just extremely confused over a man's mixed signals if anyone is willing to help...please do.
In March, a classmate of mine invited me to a bar to listen to he and his band play. He asked me 3 weeks in advance and he kept asking me. I took this to mean that maybe he might actually WANT me there. So I show up and he's really happy and excited that I did. He sat with me during his breaks and just talked to me like a normal person. Things went pretty good. We were just friends/classmates then. After that he was dropping me little hints that he was interested in me. Little, subtle things like choosing to sit next to me in class rather in his normal seat which was a couple away from mine and making little jokes about my guitar playing, and asking me if I was coming to his next shows in April. He asked me 3 or 4 times. I told him I was coming out both nights (Friday and Saturday), and he seemed excited that I was going to be there. I get there, and things were awesome, I got constant hugs and he was making eye contact with me just about all night. He let me pour his hot tea (for his vocal chords) during breaks and he would get all excited when he got to take breaks and sit with me. On Friday night he invited me to go to Denny's with him and his friends after the show. I was elated, so I went. He even let me drive him around (which he told me that he loved) since he had had a few beers. He insisted I sit next to him. The following night he invited me to his friends home and we stayed out till 4am, just talking. At the end of the night, I took him back to his car, we talked a little then he kissed me. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was intentional. He turned my face towards his and kissed me then said he wanted me to come back for the next shows the following week. I went home floating on cloud 9. Monday morning, I was so happy to see him in class. I tried not to show it because I didn't want to embarrass either of us.
Here's where the "mixed signals" start. Monday was a good day for both of us...but Tuesday came around and everything just started doing a 180...daily. He started off the rest of the week with a down phone line (thanks to a squirrel). Then before our class, he has one where the instructor is complete liberal jerk, so that brought him down a little more. Then he started having problems with his band mates. So it's understandable that he had a bad week. I would ask him if he's alright, and he wouldn't even look at me. He asks me if I was coming out to see the band as if he wants me there. So I get to the bar and I get a "hello" that sounded like he was annoyed that I even showed up. The music went about the same as the week before, he made eye contact with me during every song...then at one point he walked over to where I was sitting and sang to me, which he didn't do for anyone else. That was the coolest thing that's happened to me in a long time...so I'm thinking, "ok, maybe things are alright with him, finally". But then the rest of the night I was virtually ignored until it was time for me to go home. I got a hug, a thanks for coming out and then he tells me he wanted to meet my son. I thought that was a good sign...it was like he wanted to get closer to me, then he couldn't have gotten in his car to leave fast enough. Things were about the same on Saturday. I left with the feeling that I'd done or said something that either contributed to his already bad week, or just turned him off. Class comes around and he doesn't really talk to me, but he wanted me to wait for him after class just to walk with him.
I can't think of anything I've done wrong, and I'm not trying to come on strong...I go to the shows when he invites me and I only call him maybe once a week just to give him his space. He knows I cares about him, and I know he appreciates it, but it's discouraging when I get these mixed messages. Should I address it? Or should I keep quiet and see if it happens again? I was under the impression that he was as interested in me as I am in him, but with all of these 180's he's doing on me, I'm not sure of what to think or do. Granted this has been over a matter of 2 months, but I fell for him hard, so are the mixed messaged normal, and how do I handle it?
Thanks...I'll pay for eye care if you need it! LOL
Jamie,
Fresno
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 12:05pm
hey,
I would be confused as well???sounds hmmm confusing???not sure it matters but how old are you and him???Are you guys still in school??I thought at first you meant ex-class mates??not sure I have any advice.....sounds like a puzzle to me as well.....sorry for your confusion,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 3:37pm
It definately is a puzzle...yes we are both in School. We're in College. We are in a class together. That's were we met. I'm 25 and he's 40. But he made it absolutely clear to me that age wasn't an issue for him. Neither for me. He's never been married, and I haven't either. He doesn't have children. I have a son and he's told me that he wants to meet him. So you see, he's been doing 180s on me for 2 weeks now. I'm just not sure of how I should feel about him. He clearly knows that I care about him. And he knows I support his singing. I just don't know how to handle the sudden messages...you know? I'm almost tempted to just leave him alone untill I see him again at his next show next month...just to see if anything changes (again). What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:57am
If he doesn't have kids of his own by age 40, perhaps he is reluctant to take things further because of the fact that you have a son. He says he wants to meet him, but perhaps he is also a little leary as well. I assume he knew right off the bat that you had a son? Or was it something that came out later? Sorry if that sounds mean, but I am a single dad of two and women usually run and hide when I mention that I have kids. He might really want to be with you, but the thought of perhaps being a father figure all the sudden has him freaked out a bit. Thus the mixed signals. Or not. I could be way off. Just talk to him and try to feel things out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 9:50am

Talk to him. You may want to kepe it a little shorter then you did here, but let him know that you have concerns and how you feel. Let him know you're confused.

That may be all it takes to find out directly from the source what is up with his confusing behavior.

As scary as a face to face can be, it sure beats trying to guess what's going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:12pm
Wow I must say you should be glad your story isn't like the rest.Atleast you have something to go on.Some of us get mixed signals b4 all the singing and driving around.I'm trying to get to your point.I think he's just being a big baby right now and want some attention and he knows that you'll be there for him.I wouldn't call this qwits.I do think he want to start something with you.Rushing to get in the car was just to make you think and to make you act on it.Just keep doing what your doing.It seems as though he is attracted to you.(I'm kinda jealous you got singing?) Woooooooooooooooo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:49am

Thank you for your responce. Yeah, this guy left me with my heart wanting to hug him and make all of the bad moods go away, but my head said I should shake him or slap him or something. I wrote all of the mixed signals off as a bad couple of weeks. We are students at a college out here, and we just got done with finals. I'm sure he was a little stressed. not only that but, he'd been having problems with the band, and with the bar he's been playing at, so I'm sure my being around all the time didn't help. On our last day of classes, I called him and said that I hoped he has a good trip to Hawaii and told him that unless something changes, I'll see him at his next show which is in 3 weeks. Between now and then, I've decided to leave him alone, I've figured pestering him won't help. By then he should be more relaxed and maybe we can kind of start over again. I'll just go to the shows and I'll go anywhere else with him, if he invites me. But for now, I think the friends pace that things are going is just fine with me.

Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:27pm
You know, guys are really freaking confusing. First of all it is always better to address the issue at hand, otherwise time drags on and you will keep waiting one more time to see what happens until you both explode. I know this from experience. Maybe he is thinking you are not as interested as you are. Do you think he might want you to ask to go to shows or when his next one is? From what you describe it sounds like he was/is interested in you. I don't know too many friends who do that, unless they are really close. Were you really good friends before this happened or how does that go? Was it just an acqaintance that started asking you to come to his shows? Myabe all of his problems got him down and was confused on what to do about that so he may have acted disconnected without meaning it, or do you think he was intentionally doing this? I think that is all I can come up with for now. Don't worry about the eyecare :), but you could help me with my problem if you have any suggestions. Just read it and let me know what you think, I'm kind of in the same boat as you, but different circumstances.
nena
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:36pm

Yeah, tell me about how confusing they are. LOL. You know, I thought about just coming out and talking to him about it, but my stupid shyness just wouldn't let me. I know he's interested in me in some way because he constantly asks me to come to his shows. If he didn't want me there, he wouldn't ask, right? I'm not very good about being "open" with men I'm interested in, so just telling him I'll be there before he asks might sound like I'm demanding something from him. You know? We were classmates. We met in our guitar class. We became friends when he asked me to his show in March (he asked me 3 times to come to that one). So, yeah, I guess he was an aquaintance that just started asking me out. I've had bad luck in asking HIM out...he's so busy, but he did say that he wanted to go to a car show/concert with me later this summer, so I think that's a good sign. I don't think he was doing it intentionally because on our last day of class, I was finished with my exam before he was, and he made it a point to look up at me and smile at me before I walked out the door. So I know there is something there, I just have yet to really find it. He's told me he wants to meet my son, which is a good sign, but he said he doesn't want to be tied down with anyone who has "jealousy issues". That's understandible, because he's a singer and it's part of the "job" to have women flirt with him. It was really assuring to me when he said it embarresses him when they do that. It told me alot about the person he is. Yeah, I just wrote off his mixed signals as a product of his stressful weeks. Like I said, we are both students, and we were both a little stressed over finals. Plus he had a class where the instructor was a jerk, plus he's been having issues with his band mates and the owner of the bar that they've been playing at. So I think he just wanted to be left alone. You know? Which is alright. So on the day of our final in our guitar class, I told him I hoped he had a great vacation (12 days in HAWAII) and that unless things change between now and then, I'd see him at his next show on June 11th. And I decided to just back off untill then. By the 11th, he will have had 3 weeks to become more relaxed, and in a better mood, so hopefully things will get back to the way I liked them in the beginning!

Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 6:46pm
I hear you about the shyness, that's how I am too. But I found that in my situation that once that barrier is broke down it makes things much better. If you really want anything out of this communication is the key. Asking to come to the shows is a good sign, you're right I don't think he would have asked you if he didn't want you there. The smiling seems like a good sign to me. The jeoulsy issue is always hard, you can't help it, as humans we are hard wired to do it, but that's good that he doesn't really like the attention because that may cause a problem in the future. Maybe this break/time away from you will make him realize that he misses you. Know what I mean? Maybe, maybe not, just hopefully he will. Let's hope for the best for both of us.
Nena