I need a male's perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
I need a male's perspective
2
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:34pm
I am looking for a male's perspective on something. I am in a relationship with a really good guy. He is active in a number of things including bike riding, running, working out, and numerous other things. He goes out with friends on one night out of the weekend and sees me about every other night. We have a standing date on Friday or Saturday. He is divorced as well as I am. We have been together for eleven months and I have insisted on monogamy. He readily agreed and had recently mentioned that I will probably meet his parents when they come down. He is in the army and is often away a lot. He always tells me that he loves me first before he ends our conversations. Recently, after a difficult day (I had to go to court for a small custody thing--namely requiring my ex to give me contact info when he has the boys) he called and emailed me hoping that everything was okay. I rarely talk of my ex and when I do it is usually to relay that he will have the boys on a particular day. I don't talk ill of my ex nor do I ask him about his ex. I don't call him everyday or email him every hour. I usually send him one email a day to wish him a good day, tell him how my day is going and ask how his is going. Every now and then, yes when I am PMSing I may ask for a little reassurance. I don't criticize him. In fact, he told me the other day that he something had happened to his family and I simply asked him what he was going to do about the situation. Our sex life is extremely enjoyable and we often let each other know how much we enjoy it. I will always let him know that I appreciate the effort he is putting into the relationship and how much I enjoy talking with him or being with him. I don't ask him to clarify things. If he pulls from me and needs space, I give it to him. There may be times that I don't recognize that need right away and I get my feelings hurt but I don't let him know it. I do something by myself. So here is the deal. I am doing what comes naturally to me. Being my own person, persuing my own interests, and asking him for fidelity and respect in the relationship. My question is this: Is this what I am supposed to do? Or am I setting myself up for failure? I already think that eleven months with several separations from each other due to army obligations is a good start. We don't argue but when one is upset we try to talk it out. There is no putdowns, no anger and I am often told how much he misses me or wishes he was with me. He is skittish because his wife left him while he was deployed and so did a girlfriend. I am not playing games nor do I condone manipulating a relationship. I do all of these things because that is how I perceive a relationship to be. A give and take situation, sometimes I may have to give a little more but not too much so that I don't feel taken for granted and I try very hard not to take him for granted. So let me know if I am on the wrong track.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:05am

Hi funloving - welcome to the board.

I've got to be honest and say that I don't understand what you're concerned about. You're happy, he's happy - no problem.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:36am

funloving2006...

If you were married to the man....Pianoguy's advice would probably be somewhat different?

But either married or single, the most important thing you have to consider is that YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN PERSON FIRST! What is necessary in your life (career, extracurricular activities and your social life) has to be in "balance" with your beliefs. The moment others expect you to behave a certain way....or vice versa....friendships and relationships are doomed!

Since your gentleman friend has to serve his hitch in the army....do the best you can to see him, accomodate his schedule and accept the current situation. If his status (or yours) should change, then it might be necessary to "change the rules" a little?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy