I need serious advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
I need serious advice
9
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 3:33pm

I feel so lost, and at a dead end. There is always that one girl. I really need advice on this. Please read the whole thing, and if you have a post I will try to help you out in return. Please...

So I met this girl when I was a sophomore (now I'm a junior), I instantly began liking her but thought that I had absolutely no shot. She was I guess what you could call a popular girl and extremely outgoing. Its weird, I wouldn't consider myself shy. I can be extremely outgoing at times but when I'm talking to an attractive girl I begin to become flustered and pretty dull. I can be somewhat of a Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg type at times. So as time went on and I would pass her at school she would say hi and give me a casual hug. Then the school year ended and everyone was signing yearbooks. She signed mine and vise versa. I gave her my cell phone number and told her to txt me over the summer, but I never expected that she actually would.

A few weeks went by and she had somewhat slipped out of my mind until I got back from soccer practice one day. I noticed I had missed a txt from her. I txted her back and we began txting each other for about a week. Before this my experience with girls had been pretty non existent to say the least. There had been a few girls here and there but never one like this. Due to my lack of experience I didnt pick up on the signs that she was interested in me. I thought she wanted to just be friends. One day she invited me to the mall, and when I told her I could go she became extremely happy. Still I didnt know why. We spent the day together and she was flirting with me nonstop and I did nothing back.

After that day more time went on and then she invited me to go get lunch with a few friends. The entire day she would ask me questions and finally towards the end of the day she asked me if I liked her. I responded yes and she blushed and said "well I..." then stopped and it got quiet. Then like the moron that I am I changed the subject. For the rest of the evening we all talked about pointless crap when I got a call from my mum telling me to head home. She was disappointed that I had to leave and gave me the biggest hug I honestly ever had and stared into my eyes. I left and couldn't sleep that night with the thought of her in my head.

Unfortunately this is where it all began to get bad. She was going away for the rest of the summer and wouldnt have her cell phone. Then even worse. I had gone over on my cell phone bill pretty bad and my parents refused to pay it claiming that it would teach me a lesson. Weeks went by and I didn't get to talk to her with school approaching fast. Every once in a while when she was by a computer she would be able to respond to my emails but it was nothing much.

She finally came back but I didnt know about it because I didnt have my phone, and she thought I did. She got a new phone and txted me but got no reply. School started again and to my horror I had no classes with her and my day didnt even consist of a glance. Then one day I finally saw her. She gave me a big hug and we exchanged numbers again and began talking. I felt that she probably didnt like me anymore since so much time had passed since we had last hung out.

We began hanging out much more and whenever she was sad or hurt I would be there for her. At times she would occasionally tell me she loved me but I never once asked her on a date. When I finally worked up enough courage she told me that she thought of me as a brother and that she didnt want to lose me. I was devastated but remained her friend thinking that I could win her over. Around Christmas I bought her the most beautiful present. She loved it so much that she began to cry and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. But while this was happening another guy started inching his way into the picture.

This guy captured her heart and she is head over heels for the guy. But there is a catch. He is bi. Pretty much borderline gay, wears lip gloss, perfect hair, he even talks like a girl. But he told her that he likes her and she likes him. I find it unbearable to be around her now because he is all she talks about and I normally say something stupid that makes her angry. We argue all the time now and she says that I am jealous. At one point she told me she couldnt be my friend because of it despite all the good times we had. We always make up, but our friendship is becoming strained. The strange thing is she keeps telling me that she thinks of me as more than a friend and that she really likes me. But the things she says about this guy are becoming bullets that pierce my heart.

The sad part is the guy likes her but is into someone else too. He wont date her but she is convinced that he will. She is absolutely in love with the guy and I am out of the picture all together. I really still like her and every time I try to move on I cant. We have all the same things in common and even picked all our classes together for next year. I love this girl and want to be together but I don't know what to do. Is it possible to salvage this and become something more than friends or is it too far gone? I feel horrible.

Thank You for reading

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 9:09pm

I am an older woman and this is based on my own thinking when I was young. Imo, to have any chance with her you must take yourself out of the big brother category immediately and completely. She is getting used to thinking of you in the wrong way and it will get you nowhere-- girls don't go out with their brothers. You do not want to be someone she feels comfortable calling to cry about other boyfriends, you want to be a serious competitor for that position.


Go out with other girls, let her see it or hear about it. Ignore her. If she contacts you, act like a serious potential boyfriend, ask her

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 12:21am
Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it! I'll keep that in mind and try to find someone else
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 3:49pm

wow, reading your story reminds me of my own. i don't have any advice for you, but i just wanted to tell you a story, hopefuly just to give you some insights.

i was in that girl's shoes. i used to know this guy but i wasn't attracted to him. i only like him as a brother (i'm 31 years old btw). we were friends for almost 10 years. he used to like me and wanted to go out with me, but i didn't want to go out with him because to me i didn't want any more than a friendship. i was afraid that if i go out with him he would take it the wrong way. we kept in touch for a long time, and i've moved on dating other people. i was even i a long term relationship for a couple of years and we lost touch but he was always the person who was there for me everytime something goes wrong in my life. i felt safe talking to him and he was always the shoulder for me to cry on. and then i met someone else i fell really love with and who's now my current boyfriend. me and him still remained friends and i guess i should stop talking to him but it was hard to let him go. he's been there for me so much that i couldn't live without him but at the same time i knew it must be hard for him to listen to all my problems with my other boyfriend and couldn't be with me. still he was such a great friend, i couldn't ask for a better friend. that's the reason why i couldn't let him go, i loved him so much but not in a romantic way. he was more like a great companion someone who i can talk to but i'm not attracted to him so it was so hard to get over the physical aspect of it. just thinking of kissing him makes me feel uneasy . i know it sounds very shallow but i've always been attracted to a certain type of guy. i can't see myself being someone i'm not attracted to. the reason i couldn't let him go out of my life is because i care about him alot.

but recently he met someone new. he's got a girlfriend now, and what's weird is i'm starting to feel something for him like i start to imagine myself being with him. i think maybe because i feel like i'm losing him to another girl, but i also know that even if i have him in my life i will never be able to cross that friendship line. he's like a brother to me and it's hard to see myself him romantically. but i miss talking to him since now he doesn't respond to my emails or calls anymore. i guess he's busy with his girlfriend.

anyway i agree with the other poster, i think that your only chance is to not to be that person she can always come cry to about her other boyfriends. i don't know how or what you can do to win her back but all i can say is being that "friend" or "brother" and her shoulder to cry on is not going to help .

good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 9:16pm

Wow, that was a great story. I actually did get insight and now have a little better perspective. Thank You.

See its weird because I really want to be there for her because she doesn't really have anyone. Her parents are not parental figures to say the least, and her friends aren't really friends. But I feel as though by just being her friend she can use me as an emotional sponge then go off with some guy that will break her heart all over. Love is so strange.

I appreciate your input :]

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 11:25pm

"See its weird because I really want to be there for her because she doesn't really have anyone. Her parents are not parental figures to say the least, and her friends aren't really friends"

I'm not a huge Dr. Laura fan, but I have to say that I really think one of her books is great for young men like yourself:

"Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives"

You're doing the very first one - Chapter 1 "Stupid Chivalry" - by getting involved with the wrong woman (weak, flaky, damaged, needy, desperate, stupid, untrustworthy, immature, etc.) "you think that your love with save/transform her."

I'd let her go and try to busy yourself with clubs, groups, volunteering, other friends. You're still young, and you're still learning what you want in a woman, and just think of her as one of life's learning experiences.

Here's a free preview on books.google.com:
http://books.google.com/books?id=z4_ecMEvb9cC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Ten+Stupid+Things+Men+Do+to+Mess+Up+Their+Lives&cd=1#v=onepage&q=&f=false

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:27pm
I think I will take a look at that book, it seems interesting. I just cant help but feel bad for her at times and I want to be able to make her feel like life is something awesome. I guess it is time to move on though. But something funny happened yesterday. The guy finally told her that he didn't have an interest in her as anything more than a friend. She began talking to me like she did before but I dont know if this is just an initial effect or she actually wants me. Why do girls/women have to be some complicated?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 11:51am

"I just cant help but feel bad for her at times and I want to be able to make her feel like life is something awesome."

Ooh, yes you need to read that book! Big time! Hurry!

I know you are still young, but in order to have a happy long-term relationship in your adult life, you are going to want to CHOOSE a partner that already has it together! You are going to want someone that already knows life is great, worth living, benefits from all it has to offer, values themselves, their choices their life ALREADY. These kind of people make better partner than the one you are describing.

I know you want to be her knight in shining armor, but that is making a poor love choice.

I'm afraid she is just using you because her Plan A didn't work out, so you're the back up choice. As son as another guy comes in the picture you're going to be dropped like a hot potato again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 7:44pm
As much as I want to move on and try to forget her I dont know how. I tell myself that I dont need her but I find myself thinking about her all the time. She probably would drop me for another random guy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 9:12pm

One way to move on would be to start hanging out with friends, do some activities, go volunteer, ask some (other) cute girl to join you. Go have fun.

You know, you're young - you have plenty of life's experiences in front of you. You need to make a few love mistakes before you realize what's good and what's bad in partners. So let her mooch off of you, drop you like a hot potato when the next guy comes along, then that will make more sense than some lady off the internet giving advice.

I can see it's hard to grasp my previous advice until you've been hurt by it a few times. Then it sinks in!

You should still read that book though.