I really need some help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
I really need some help and advice
6
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:38pm
I will try to keep this brief. About 8 months ago I met this guy at work. We started flirting almost right away. We started hanging out and after our Christmas party he invited back to his place. I spent the night, but we didn't sleep together. The next day he told me that he was confused. He didn't want to get attached, he's moving in a year or so, and that he didn't want a relationship. We remained friends and continued to hang out. Four months later things started happening. We starting going out on dates, I came over more, and we became intimate. This went on for 2 and 1/2 months. Out of nowhere he tells me that he thinks I should't spend the night anymore. He says he doesn't want to put work into a relationship and doesn't want to get attached because when he does he gets really attached. Why I am so confused: I never pushed a relationship, he asked me to meet his parents on seperate occasions, because they are divorced, he always paid for things when we went out and just really acted like he wanted a relationship. I didn't push the issue because I knew he would bring it up when he was ready. During our talk I told him that I was confused. He told me that he still had feelings for me, i.e. he thinks that I am smart, funny, and attractive. While he's telling me this he's practically in tears. He still wants to be friends as well. Upon leaving, I asked for a hug and he gave me more than a friendly hug and I had to pull away. I just looked at him and we hugged again, more than a friendly hug, and again I had to pull away and then he grabbed both of my hands. I don't know if this was sympathy or what. I don't know if he will come around again, if he just got afraid of becoming attached, he thought I wanted more than what I did. I am so totally confused and don't know what to do. Thanks for all your help.
Nena
*The part that hurts the most if that he is the first guy that I have been able to trust in over four years and I think he's letting something really good go because he is afraid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:21pm

I'm confused. You didn't want more? Or did you?

And he's "moving away" soon, so how far is he moving?

Lastly, if I knew I was moving, but really truly wanted to be with someone, I wouldn't allow the r'ship to go far either. I've done LDR's and I don't like them.

Maybe he's the same way. Yes, he may be scared.....becuase maybe he realizes he can't handle a LDR, and he IS moving. I think, in this instance, he has every right to be scared, and to back off.

HOWEVER, I think his actions are hurting you because they are contradicting themselves.

Hugs to you. i know this is hard, but what exactly do you want? If you want him, are you willing to move to be near him (not live with him, just live in the area)? Would he THEN be willing to officially date you?

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:32pm
I do want more, but when he's ready. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to. He's moving in like a year and half to Seattle, from Wisconsin. Yes I would be willing to move, most definately, and I wouldn't ask for more of a commitment than what we had at the time we left. You're right he is hurting me, but I'm not mad at him for it. I just want to be with him. He has done so much for me emotionally and I know that I have helped open him up too, his roommates even told me that. Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:46pm

More questions. :)

So, if you're okay with how he's hurting you, only cuz you do know he wants to be with you, what is the problem? Basically, you're taking what you can get, and if you're okay with that, then there's no problem.

AS for him leaving, have you discussed going with him? But made sure he realized there was NO pressure for you to go with him,if he wasn't ready? or what not? I mean, I don't know what you two have discussed.

I know......my xh, who lived in OR, me in CA, was scared I'd resent him because I told him I was willing to move there. So, he kept pushing me away.

I dunno. The only thing you can do is talk to him. Ease his mind that there is no pressure and maybe even say, you're willing to move, and if it doesn't work, you'd never resent him or nor the move. i dunno. i guess, if i knew he was that into me, and you into him, i'd make sure he understood where i was coming from, i'd want to know his fears, and see if i coudl help alleviate them. and if not, then all you can do is choose if you're willing ot live like this for now, and take what you can get (kinda like if he was dying), and cherish every single moment.....or walk away.

hugs. I know this is a very hard situation. my xh was so hesitant about us, but then again, now that he's an x, maybe i shouldn't have pushed so hard.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 6:55pm
Well, anyway I will be hurting. He replied to an e-mail that I just sent him basically telling him that I wasn't blowing him off, I was thinking and that I wanted to get together and talk. He wrote back that he said he honestly doesn't know what he wants, he has been thinking a lot too. He told me he didn't sleep that night that, which I don't know why, so I asked, but I asked him to get together maybe on Tuesday to talk. His reply to that was want to go see star wars. I don't know what's going on. About moving, I told him that I have thought about it. I said I'm not 100% sure I would go, but I have not dismissed the idea and have thought about it a lot. I'm afraid if I tell him I would go that it will scare him. If he moved now, I would go. I can't just walk away though, that's the biggest thing I am afraid of him doing. Thanks for all the help and support.
nena
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:10pm

Oh, hugs to you sweetie, I just found your post. What a situation, ugggg! First I think you are being awesome in not trying to be pushy with this guy. I bet you can just feel that he has got one foot out the door already, and that just sucks. I have a feeling you would jump at the opportunity to be with him, IF he was all about it, right? I know with my ex (the flaming one,lol) I would have gone anywhere with that man, if he had asked me too that is....

What to do? I guess you just being you is all you can do. You know pinning him down won't get you anywhere. If he's not in it, there is nothing you can do. So are you technically dating still? OR are you just being friends? If he's trying to break it off, then let him, walk away and let him sit with his decision. Try to be busy busy busy. Did he not want to talk, and rather go to the movies? With or without you???

Awww, I'm sorry you have fallen for this guy and he isn't as crazy about you (or holding himself back) It's tough to say whats really on his heart and mind, whether he's being upfront, or scared to get attached or maybe not over his ex?? With moving in mind, maybe he's too preoccupied, which sort of sounds like an excuse.

There is a fine line I think with being over supportive, and not pushy and giving him his space, and taking whatever he gives you, and then theres being walked on, used, and dragged around, and kept safe on a back burner. You can't say all or nothing buddy, here I am, I'm awesome and you are about to miss out cuz I'm outta here, but you don't want to say , ok, whenever you want, you can have me, i'm not going to do anything except wait for you to realize I'm great, don't forget me, I'll always be there. It comes across as desperate and a door mat. So how do you delicately tell him you care but you want the official relationship??? It's so hard, Pineapple girl probably can say, lol.

Hugs to you, hang in there, and try to stay confident with your head held high. Be busy like I said. I always get annoyed with my current guy because he has nothing to do, he wants to tag along with me on everything. It's sweet but gets old. He might have things he could do, but always cancels or is always availible and kind of puts himself in a position where I feel like I have to invite him. Argggg...

Let him be if thats what he wants, even though you don't understand, let us know how you are doing!!
Ps when my guy gives me time, and doesn't call or email, it takes the pressure off, and I can think, and have a chance to miss him, and it helps. I hope I helped :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:01pm
I just want to say that after I read that last post my heart just went "AWE". It felt so good to hear some good encouraging words and nothing sugar coated, just the way I like it. I would jump at the chance to be with him, like you said, only if he asked... I am just being me, I realized a long time ago that it's the only thing that I can do and still win. I know I need to be at peace with myself and not let anyone or anything silence who I am. We e-mailed each other while I was at home. He told me that he wasn't sleeping, so I asked him why. The next e-mail I get he tells me that he has bouts of insomnia once and awhile and then he gets depressed because he sits there and thinks of all the things that he would like to be doing or have done by now. I don't know if I just caught him in a weird time or what. In my e-mails I was like you said, supportive, but not pushy, or at least that's what I wasn't going for. Technically as of right now we are still friends. We just got back from the movie and I am going to his place in an hour. I can most only assume to do some talking. As far as the movie thing, he confuses me. Opens all my doors and I pull my wallet out to pay and he says, "No, let me get it." He acts like nothing happened. So, I will be going to his place soon and the talk will ensue. Kind of nervous, but just hoping that things will pan out for the best. Thanks for all of your help.
nena