I shouldn't have but of course I did

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
I shouldn't have but of course I did
10
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:05am
Okay well there's this guy that I was going out w/ like 3 years ago now. When we were together we were inseperable! We got along so well b/c we had like everything in common! He was my bear & I was his cub. Anyway, Angelo & I broke up b/c his ex girlfriend came back in2 the picture & was like how they cant just throw away their past. Me & him were still relatively new only together all the time 4 a couple of months & so he went back to comfort. I was hurt, really hurt b/c everything seemed so freely happy b/w the 2 of us. As time went on I would text him & he would call me. We went to Vegas @the same time & hooked up & hung out the whole trip. I mean we were inseperable on that trip. I had a b/f & he had a g/f but whatever. I never cheat but with him it was always so different & vice versa. We talk every couple of months without fail! & have such a gr8 time. We were talking again in the summer & he was like how he fell in love with me & hes not sure why he is with his g/f b/c he thinks of me always. He says that the reason he has not proposed to her is b/c he feels like he will always wonder what if he was with me. The sad part is that I understand b/c I feel the same way after all this time. When he told me how he felt I cried in his arms & was just sad b/c life is so mixed up at times. I know he cares! When we were hanging out in the summer & he was like how he missed me & we spent a lot of time together this summer. Things got a little too serious so we both faded off. He was like how he was confused & I was too. Just b/c he has a g/f and I was wkg things out with my ex. I saw him on Monday & we hooked up at the end of the night. We had such a wonderful night together. The next day we texted & agreed that this needs to stop. We always excuse it b/c we say but its each other & its just not right. I just wanted to post b/c there are so many emotions involved but I feel that this is probably the best choice and do does he. Ijust wanted to vent and see what you all have to say. : (
I think maybe its just the men in NY!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:40am
I know it's hard but at the end of the day, don't you really want to be with a guy who is certain he wants to be with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:15pm

I'm confused. Now you have 2 "soulmates"? How can you be SOOO torn up about Guy A that you cheated on and Guy B that you cheated with? Still?

I've said this before and I'll say it again. You NEED to take a break from dating and relationships. It's not all the men in NY, it's the mne in NY that know YOU. What does that say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:51pm
I never said that guy number two was my soul mate. All I said was that it goes on and on and my feelings are strong for him. It just sucks you know. Ijust want to be in love is that so bad?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 3:11pm

I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth. That was just my interpretation of what you said.

No, it isn't inherently bad to want to be in love yet when you find yourself in contstant turmoil over less than ideal relationships, well, I wouldn't exatly call that *good*, KWIM?

I don't want to live my life single, either. I want what most all of us want...to find that one person that compliments our life, that person to be in your corner, someonw to share your joy and sorrow and create a life with...but I've also come to realize something very important. Love comes on it's own terms. Say it again. Loves comes on it's own terms. You can't control it. You can't make it happen because your heart is bursting with hope that it will.

Again, it's not bad but it's unhealthy what you're doing to yourself. That's why I keep suggesting time alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 7:07am

ITA with osmama. Exz, you REALLY need to listen and take a break. Get your head out of the clouds and off of this overwhelming emotionally rollercoaster.

As you know I'm not a professional but you seem to be a love addict. Your drug of choice is love. You have the same addictive pattern in your love life and romantic choices that other people have when it comes to alcohol or cocaine. You consistently make bad choices.

Choices you know are bad for you but you can't seem to help yourself. There's this part of you that is smart and strong and knows that you shouldn't be letting your emotions and hopes get the better of you but virtually every time you are put in a position to choose you make the choice you know is wrong.

That's what addicts do.

Please get help, we've tried here, heck I've practically beat you over the head with it more then once. The only thing I have done is this so I'll do it now...

I am begging you... PLEASE see a professional. I know wanting to be in love doesn't seem like such a horrible unhealthy thing to want, but for you it is. It's just as unhealthy is any other addiction. ANYTIME, you find yourself wanting something SOOOO much that it causes you to override what you know is smart and right for you and choose things you know are unhealthy for you over and over and over, that is bad.

This desire you have for love is not at a normal healthy level, you take it to the level of an addiction; and, that is bad. You are letting your desire to love and be loved control you. That's what addicts do, they allow their addiction to control them.

There's a message board here for love addicts. At least, go check it out, I'm thinking you'll find a lot of people who feel a lot like you do there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:18am
You know I feel like I have come a long way. I haven't had contact with my awful x in 3 weeks. I refuse to go to the places that he goes to b/c I don't even want to see his face. I can't stand him and what nothing to do with him. As far as Angelo I know he is not right. I wasn't saying that I was devastated over him. What I was saying is that yes I hung out with him b/c we alwasys have a great time together and that I wish the circumstances were different. How is that so bad? It's not like I'm crying over Angelo. My feelings for him are existent but so under control that I dont allow it to phase me in any which way.
Me wanting to be in love is not an addiction either. It jusut frustrates me that I have control of everything in my life but that. It's like I can control that I landed a great job and I can control my life style and all the perks that go along with it but I have to just trust that one day God will bring me love. For me it's not so much love that drives me up the wall its the whole concept that goes with it. It's like the main reason that I want to get married is because I want to start a family. I'm 26 and feel like I am so delayed in life. People on this board I am sure are older and will say you are young and you have to experience so much but I feel I already have. It's just really frustrating! Can't anyone relate? I mean ay single people on this board feel the same way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:47am
There's so much freedom and reassurance in letting go of that need for control. I highly reccommend it, your outlook will be so different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:04am

But you don't have control. Control is an illusion. You could be in an accident tomorrow and all those things would be gone an you'd have to start all over.

Your love life is no different you have to be prepared to lose it all and start over and over and over just like you'll have to in life in general.

Thinking you can make life any different will drive you nuts. You have to just learn to accpet that the only thing you can control is your own attitude nad actions. The good news is 95% of having a good life is about your attititude and actions and not the things you have no control over.

If you keep trying to force love it'll never happen. Love isn't going to conform to your time table. You have to be ready for it and if you're still trying to force it to happen your not.

And maybe you aren't addicted. I can't get inside your head or your heart and know what's really there. All I have is a window of what you allow us to see here. Addictive personality, codependent, a simple case of needing to get priorities straight...

Based on what your putting out there you need help, for what might be more difficult to say, but you definitely need to put the breaks on obsessing about finding your future spouse nad your love life in general and do some big work on you.

The fact you don't have a love life or that it's messed up should not mean that you are generally unhappy or dissatisfied with life. You should be happy and instead you seem to spend a great deal of time and energy twisting yourself up in knots over men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:32am
It's not just the ment in NY. They are all over the place. I speak from experience, having moved from NY. I think you are making the right decision. If you can't agree to be together exclusively, then you have to stop the emotional rolercoaster.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 1:08pm

<< Me wanting to be in love is not an addiction either. >>

At the very least, visit the codeps/love addicts board, and visit the following site for these questions on "love addiction" before assuming that you are NOT a love addict.

http://www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/40questions.html

<< It jusut frustrates me that I have control of everything in my life but that. >>

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in love. Nothing at all. Fundamentally, everyone wants to love and be love. BUT, we also have to remember that WE are the common denominator in ALL of our relationships and dating experiences (no, it's not all the men in NY, ha!)

Your statement on not having control of this is very telling, and the very reason you SHOULD at least visit the other board and take the questionaire to see how many of the questions apply to you.

Remember this quote: "You cannot direct the course of love, for when you find love, it directs your course."

If the course you want in life is to find love, get married, have a family ... that's not something you can control, force or direct. It will find you. For that to happen, you have to LOVE yourself, you have to love yourself into love. Loving yourself into love is respecting, honoring, trusting yourself with the love you offer YOU ... so that you can offer another that love.

When you said << As far as Angelo I know he is not right. I wasn't saying that I was devastated over him. What I was saying is that yes I hung out with him b/c we alwasys have a great time together and that I wish the circumstances were different. How is that so bad? >>

How is that so bad is that ... what PERHAPS you don't realize on a conscious level is that, even though you're both high on the "feel goods" of hanging out and having a good time together, because you are not available to each other ... you are NOT honoring yourselves or your respective BF/GFs... you're not LOVING yourselves with integrity and a "do unto others" perspective. And, love doesn't happen when you're not truly loving, honoring or respecting yourself.

It's not uncommon at all for a love addict to seek the validation and "feel goods" of another person, outside their primary relationship, because they're addicted to the "I can't get enough of how I feel when I'm with you" feeling. A person who is loving themselves, doesn't need the validation or the want, need or desire for "more" because they have enough within themselves and with their partner. And, in a healthy sense, if their relationship is NOT working, they love themselves enough to know that only THEY can meet their own needs and that THEY are responsible for aligning with a partner who meets those needs -- so, they can LET GO of that relationship and pursue something healthy rather than holding onto one relationship while concurrently pursuing another or "stepping out."

Love addicts don't allow themselves to be alone much, nor do they like to be alone. They will very often start one relationship before finishing another (relationship jumpers/hoppers).

They'll often go back to old relationships, even when they know it wasn't working or good for them, just to NOT have to be alone. The 'control' factor is big here too, because they think "this time it will be different", "this time he'll change" or "this time, I will be able to change him." That's part of wanting to control the process. A person who keeps trying to fit a 'square peg in a round hole' (despite better judgement) is doing so because, deep down, they're saying "if I can make THIS work, I will have proven myself worthy and lovable, because I FIXED this." Doesn't work that way.

They also rarely, if ever, give themselves that opportunity to "rebound" on their own, to get "centered" between relationships ... because "GOD FORBID, I don't have someone in my life." So, they get caught up in "just about anyone will do, as long as it's someone" (even if it's an ex that was bad for me) and the patterns ensues.

And why do they NEED someone in their lives? Validation. Self-worth via alliance with another. Not loving themselves enough to get out of the dysfunction, often hoping that dysfunction will magically change into 'healthy' and 'normal' (because "if I put enough time and effort into it, it flower into something really GREAT" ... not!) ... focusing too much on circumstances and situations (which are often NOT based in reality, but on how one HOPES or WANTS things to be) ... not realizing that situations are created and situations can be terminated ... which is easily done when a person knows what they want, what they need, what they deserve ...because they can choose it from a healthy place that knows that, with love, you don't have to force a gosh-darn thing.

Hope this helps.