I spoke too soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
I spoke too soon
28
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:41am
Hi All:
So this is the deal. LIke I mentioned yesterday I got back with my ex and verything is great blah, blah, blah. Il ove this guy more than anything in this world. When we were first together he was so wonderful to me like a knight in shining armor. Once we broke up he was a jerk. Slamming doors, cursing at me, hanging up on me, telling me awful things, caring less if I cried a river in front of him, ignoring me at clubs, etc. I accepted this because I was like well we're broken up and he never treated like htis when we were together. I felt deep in my heart that I deserved it because well I was so mean to him when we were together, I would use him for his money, insult his friends, tell him he was a loser drunk even though he never drank after rehab, take him to clubs that I knew my ex would be at b/c I was so infatuated with my ex., get text messages from other guys, well you name it and I did it...I was heartless so I accepted his anger once we broke up. When we were apart I suffered and worked on my ways. I really wanted to get down to the core as to why I would treat someone I loved that way. I received a lot of clarity. I worked on so many aspects of my life and a so much of a better person in my eyes and in those of the loved ones around me. Anyhow, my b/f works crazy hours! I mean I work 10-6 M-F he works 2-11 PM M-F and then Sat like 7AM -7PM then plays football all day sunday on a league. He comes to see me after work during the week for maybe like a half hr. On the weekend we spend all our time together once he is out of work or done with football. Well yesterday he was supposed to come over and he was like how his frined blew his back out and he needed to go help him sheet rock the apt. I said why is he sheet rocking if he cant even walk? COmmon sense is wait until you are better to fix an apt not when you blow ur back out. My B/F was like he will come by later to see me . I was like i'm going ot bed he was like your a child. I felt bad so I called him like around 11:30 and he didn't answer so I called again and still no answer. I texted him and I received a return receipt but he didnt text me back. I was furious!!!!!! So I drove by his house b/c I was like he will probably say that he just went home and fell asleep b/c all guys run that line! SO I drive by and he had just pulled up. So I say what's up, why didn't you answer before? He said I left my phone in the car b/c I didnt want to deal with your babiness. I was like okay that's real mature. He was like you think I'm always doing wrong yet I never cheated on you. This is true but if you give a guy too much space they will cheat...proven fact! So I said you know what goodnight. THen when i got home I called him and said I know yougot my text b/c I got a return receipt so why are you lying? HE was like I'm not lying and think what you want. I didn't come back to this relationship to deal with your insecurity. I was like what?I said I thought he was being one sided and not puttting himself in my shoes! We said goodnight and that was it. I'm hurt and full of doubt because I think this sounds suspicious. WHat do you all think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:32pm
I don't know about words of wisdom...but thanks anyway. What you fear is the unknown but isn't that what life is, period? We have no crytal ball..all of life is a gamble. Our losses are fewer when we align ourselves with the right people. Not perfect...no one's that. If you pictured him as a perfect person, no wonder you were let down. What it amounts to is that the person has to be what's perfect for YOU. I would tell him the same thing...It's a long fall from that pedestal that we place someone on. Think about it, there they are, way up high balancing on the precipice of some tiny foothold. They're bound to fall. Do him a favor and don't put him in that position. By the way, you know that most men have a protective nature. I'm sure that when you leave your phone behind and "all hell breaks loose" that it's b/c he wants you safe, or able to call for help if necessary. Give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves unworthy of it. You know what else??..it's a long fall when you deign to place YOURSELF above those sooo beneath you, know what I mean? Don't take everything so seriously. Just lighten up a little. By all means, communicate with him. I know at times when I've become upset at some real or imagined "slight" by my SO, if I will take a breath, calm down and re-evaluate, I ultimately come to a different conclusion about events than orignally believed. We react emotionally and sometimes that's not necessarily a good thing. Just chill, girl...Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:34pm

Good luck.


Oh, one last thing. Basically, you two are going to have to throw out ALL preconceived notions about each other, and TRUST each other to be a good person and start COMPLETELY over.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:06pm

I called him to speak to him and it was pointless. I tried to call him and he’s like yeah what? I said I just wanted to call to see how you were since I usually speak to you before you get to work and it's almost 2 now. He was like yeah well I told you I would call you when I was ready. (no he didn't!) I said you know what this is not a one sided relationship so lets talk this out. He said yeah well you made it one sided. I was like okay. I said I really don’t appreciate you judging me on the person that I once was I never said I thought you were cheating on me. He said that I was acting psychotic, I was like how do you figure? I said you know what I wanted to work through this as an adult but you obviously choose to act this way so fine. He was like I don’t even see what the point of this relationship is when you are the same person that you were before. Mind you before I wouldn't let him go anywhere and when he did I would throw a tantrum practically. Now I'm like have fun but yetserday seemed so poitless to help a friend who can't even move sheet rock! Thats like going skiing with a borken leg...um whats the point? I said you know what you want to treat me like I’m a dime a dozen and you can come across a girl like me any day then you do that. I don’t know what to tell you. Then I was like bye and that was it. I’m just taking like 500 steps back. Oh and I’m going out tonight for sure! I'm hurt but you know what F him!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:15pm

What do you want from him? You said before you wouldn't want him to the first time you dated but now you are fine with it. Well, it doesn't seem that way in your posts and it doesn't seem he is getting that vibe either. It is like why such a big fuss over him helping a friend, who threw his back out, with doing some sheet rock.


If it wasn't a big deal and you weren't being an overbearing girlfriend, then when you saw him last night you would have said "oh I was just checking on you since you did not answer when I called or the text" Then he wouldn't have gotten a chance to get defensive but would have opted to talk about his evening.


It went over board when you seem to get a bit tiffy and go home then you want to talk once you get home but then you still haven't brushed it under the table it is still an issue.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:24pm
I just feel that he does EVERYTHING for his friends and they use him! All his friends drop him for their girls yet he jumps to them when he already said he was coming over. His friend wouldn't have done that for him. He should be with them then. At this point I' don't even know what to do or say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 3:13pm
I spoke to his mom and she was furious about his behavior. He called me after saying he understands where I am coming from and he's sorry : D About damn time! He's like how he has bipolar...lol. I think he really does! I was like you can't not communicate. I said i'm not perfect but I try and he should as well. I'm still mad but atleast he sees he was wrong too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:20pm

How old are you two again? And maybe you BOTH should think about going to couples therapy along with individual therapy.


Basically, it seems you both need a lot of growing up to do, because so far, this r'ship sounds very juvenile. NEITHER one of you are acting like an adult.


You BOTH are in the wrong, with your attitudes towards the r'ship, and the REACTIONS you give. It's time to realize that, and start becoming mature adults. Only THEN will this r'ship work.


Good luck.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:23pm

Exzhellraiser (does that stand for Exies, btw??), your posts have very much given an impression of you being a lot like you were when you tried to date before.


His phone being left in the car and you freaking out about it, was classic "I'm still a jealous and possessive and potentially abusive mate behavior".

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:35pm
actually exzhellraisr has to do with my sorority. EXZ .....greek letters. Yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but one likes to be attacked. As for me I try and be kind to people when I know they are distressed even when I'm like okay this one is obvious. I acknowledge that things aren't obvious to all and that everyone has sensitive areas. Me and my b/f will work through this...as far as the cell phone issue.....I over react b/c he does as well. HE asks questions, answers my phone, listens to my VM and I'm cool with it. SOme may think this is psychotic on his end but to me it's ok. When I leave my phone at home he calls me several times and leaves messages so thats' why I feel that its not okay when he does it. He can't have certain rules and not expect them to apply to himself. I'm sure some not all can relate. Either way for the most part I really appreciate the advise of many on the MB. I do on to others as they do onto me so I guess since I'm kind hearted to others situations I expect the same in return, that's all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:40pm
we're 25. : D