I think he made his decision...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
I think he made his decision...
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 3:43pm
My hubby and I have been married for 2 yrs, been together for 3. He has 3 kids ages 17, 17 and 14. He gets these kids every weekend from Friday until Sunday evening and when they don't have school such as the entire week of Thanksgiving, Christmas break, Spring break etc. He feels "our time" is the few hours we spend together in the evening after work. His kids have been disrespectful to me several times, they leave messes all over the house, shot air guns in the air, bounce basketballs in the house, throw candy papers, spit sunflower seeds and leave their dirty dishes for me or their dad to clean up. Whenever we plan or should I say when I plan for a weekend getaway for just the two of us, my hubby always changes his plans at the last minute and we end up with his kids. We didn't even spend our honeymoon alone, we had the kids plus two of their friends. So I finally talked him into goiing to marriage therapy and the therapist told him that he needed to make me his priority, that it should be our decision on money matters not the kids, he needed to make the kids respect me and he needed to make time for me as his wife otherwise our marriage would not last. Everything she told me, was true and I do need to change as well. However my hubby got very upset and said "from now on I will just leave the kids at home on the weekends". He said when I ask him for alone time he feels I am telling him I don't want his kids around. I can see that even a third party can't convince him to change. She even told him he suffers from separation anxiety when it comes to his kids. I am very upset with him and his response to all of this. I two have a daughter from a previous marriage but I put my hubby first and make time for them both, together as well as separate. I know kids will grow up and live their own life. I am not being unfair or selfish either. I have compromised for 3 yrs. Asking for a little time ONCE in awhile is not that much but at this point I am tried of trying to make someone be with me who doesn't want to be with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 4:13pm
(((HUGS))) and I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time of it. You may try reposting this to our Making a Second Marriage Work board for more advice and support on dealing with him and his kids.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:41pm

I disagree with the therapist.

his kids should come first, ahead of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:30pm

Kids should come first for the important things, like when they are ill, or when they have a crisis. They do not come ahead of their parents' private time together.

It is not good for kids to be put ahead of their parents' needs. It gives them a distorted view of what the world is like.

And it is not good for couples (whether the kids belong to only one of them or both) to put the kids ahead of themselves because when the kids are grown, they will just have each other.

Certain holidays are family events and should be spent as a family. Christmas and Thanksgiving, for example, should be seen as family holidays. But the kids need to be made to see that they are PART of a family, not the center.

This woman's husband is hurting the kids by letting them run the show when they are around.

And it is not unreasonable for the parents of teenagers to go on dates and so forth and leave the kids at home. Taking the kids on their honeymoon??? Come on!

The real question is why she married him when she knew he was like this. It is much harder to change something you have accepted up to this point. And it is clear that the husband feels defensive and unwilling to change. I think she is right--the husband has made his choice (however damaging it may be to children or marriage) and if he doesn't change his choice, there isn't anything anyone can do.