I think I love someone who's paralyzed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
I think I love someone who's paralyzed
9
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:58pm

and it's tearing me apart. This is recent - it only happened about a month ago. My problem is not that he's in a wheelchair (possibly for life - but I'd be with him regardless) but it's more of how to deal with my feelings and his now that this has happened.

Here's some background info: To start off, I'm 24 & he's the same age. I've gone to school with him since we were little, but we were never close friends. During college I would come home and run into him at a party, etc. There was always this feeling I got when I was around him. I graduated and moved back home. We have mutual friends so we'd still see each other every once in awhile - at the bar, at someones house, etc (never anything real like a date. About 8 months ago we started sleeping with each other and I knew it meant nothing. He had recently broken up with his gf and I wasn't looking for anything. I always enjoyed being around him, yet nothing ever changed from the partying, sleeping over and then that was it till another night out. We get along so well and we both enjoy each other's company. I moved about 40 minutes away for job reasons and only talked to him when he called me one night seeing if I could hang out the next day. I was being a brat and trying to not have such strong feelings for him. I ended up deleting his # out of my phone and didnt talk to him again.

Well last month he was in a car accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. I was nervous to contact him because I didn't know if he'd even want to hear from me. It took me a few weeks, but I finally found his # and got in touch. I loved every second of talking to him and realized I didn't care if he would never walk again, that scares me a lot that I feel so strongly like that. I visited him and now miss him so much I'm depressing myself. I don't know if I should continue to call him? His life just got turned upside down and I bet the last thing on his mind is being with someone. I need some advice on how to go about dealing with my feelings, and his feelings. I don't want to lose touch with him, but I also don't want to overwhelm him. I know we never had a real relationship, but I could feel something there...could be just me, but please..any help is appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:08pm
It appers that this is not about him and his feelings or the fact that he's now in a wheelchair. It seems that it's about your fear of falling in love with a man who is now handicapped; you two had a FWB relationship. The question you should ask yourself is if you can handle life like this IF you ever date him seriously; he may never be able to have intercourse like he did before. By your post, you've never dated but were friends with benefits. Seeing him now makes you wonder if you could handle life with him in his current conditions. Can your change in feelings be related to his accident? Do you feel sorry for him? Is this something that makes you think you "love" him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:24pm

I don't think I came across as I hoped to in my first post.

I want to be with him - regardless if he will walk again or not. It scares me because I've never felt so strongly for someone before like this, NOT because I don't want to be in love with someone in a wheelchair. Of course I feel sorry for him because this was not his fault and he most certainly did not deserve this to happen to him. My main reasoning for writing is how to go about things now. I still don't know if he does/ever did/ever will have feelings for me, but with this happening to him I'm scared that he might think I have ulterior motives or I'm just hanging around to give him sympathy, etc. This is not the case and I would do anything to help him. I'm trying to plan a fundraiser for him - anything to show him how much I care. And he is "functional" - we had a somewhat amusing conversation about this ending in me making sure he knows that's not why I'm here. He's still the same guy he's always been and I don't want to treat him any differently, but I would like something more and I don't know if he can or even wants to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:30pm

Yeah, he probably likes you, but I'd still take it slow. A major accident like this can cause a lot of issues in both him and others, including you. Spend time with him, support him, show him that you care. I wouldn't go so far as to tell him you love him yet though. He is going through a lot right now and doesn't know what to make of his new life. He does need support and care, but probably not a sudden serious relationship. If it's going to happen, it will probably happen anyway, but I'd make sure he's accustomed to his new life and how to deal with everyday things, not to mention his emotions with what has happened. I don't think you are having these feelings because you feel sorry for him, but I would still take it slow for both your sakes.

You need to ask yourself, what do you gain from telling him you love him right now or trying to start something serious with him immediately? Would waiting a month or two or three (while just supporting and caring for him) before getting into something serious damage anything? Plus it'll give you guys a chance to get reaquainted and build a more solid foundation to a potential relationship. It sounds like since you guys were more FWB than anything before, that you could use some time to do some other activities anyway! :) Good luck.

-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 9:24pm
gosh, this is serious stuff. i would urge you to find an online support group for paraplegics and their loved ones, and post your question there. they could probably give you a lot more insight about how to act around him, and what's going on in his head... what's going on in your head too, for that matter. FWIW my gut reaction to your post was: your heart is playing tricks on you - this is "florence nightingale syndrome," not love. but i have no life experience with this kind of situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:10am
Thanks everyone for your help. I have been doing some research on things and think perhaps a support group would be a good idea. I do not plan on telling him that I love him now and I do realize that nothing serious will develop anytime soon.
I can see where people may think this is me just reacting to his condition, but I felt this way before it happened (like I said, it's only been a little over a month). I just adore who he is and his personality - I feel so at ease around him. I don't think about anything else when I'm around him and could care less about what's going on anywhere else.
I've never been good when it comes to dealing with guys - do they like me, should I call him, etc - but this accident makes me even more cautious. I slept over (and thats all) this past weekend and can't even decide when is "too soon" to call him. And of course our past always seemed to include alcohol (not good) so I always second guess everything. Would he remember what I said to him? Is our past a blur even though it was just a fwb situation? I suppose I'm waiting for him to call me, but that leads me back to the fact that he has major changes going on and he might not and/or I don't want to bother him. I suppose if its meant to be it'll be. Man I hate that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:14am
My brother has been in a wheelchair since the age of 13, (due to a diving accident) he's now 29. I can definitely relate to this situation bringing many new challenges into your friends life. I agree that you need to hold onto your heart for a while. Be his friend, supportive, positive. He needs you. My brother felt like a parasite because when his accident happened, people stayed away in fear of not knowing what to say, not knowing how he felt, etc. In all actuality, he wanted people to be there and to not be afraid. I will never forget...his girlfriend (though they were only babies at the time) called and broke up with him while he was in the hospital. I could have killed her, he was crushed. So, be careful of your friends emotions right now...don't lay your heart on the line only to renig in the long run. It's a huge change of pace when someone remains in a wheelchair for life but it's so adaptable when it happens to someone with the right personality. My brother has NEVER let his disability stand in his way. He cooks, paints, sings, drives, goes to the bar, bowls, plays pool...you name it. But, not everyone is this positive about their condition and end up very depressed and angry. Just be by his side for now and see what the future holds. I know that is going to be hard but you can't be afraid of him. He needs all the support he can get right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:55pm

I know what you mean about people suddenly leaving because they don't know how to react of what to say. They end up staying away. It happens to accident victims woth permanent injuries, widows, parent's whose children have died...

If you like him stay by him as a friend would until you both decide if you will take it to the next level.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 2:32pm
I was recently in a similar situation except I was the one who was in the accident. I am not paralyzed but I still have a way to go. The best advice I can give you is to just be there for him. Stay in touch. Keep him updated on what is going on in the outside world. Share the gossip. Make him feel like he is not completely cut off from the world he knew. I have friends who would call or come and see me but they tended to censor themselves around me. They didn't know what to say or had questions but were afaid to ask. All I wanted was to feel like me again. There was one person who really treated me like me, he didn't look at me differently or try to censor himself. If he had a question he asked, if he had a funny story about something that had happened while he was out he would tell me, we just enjoyed each other company. That was the best thing anyone did for me. It gave me a chance to feel like the me again. I don't know exactly how your friend feels about his situation, but just talk to him. Really get to know one another. Treat him like you normally would treat someone that you care about. Don't ignore what has happened, but don't dwell on it either. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:50am
You don't even know how much that helped! I have been doing those things - being there for him and overall acting how I always have with him. He's still the same guy and by acting uncomfortable around him is not something he wants or needs. I am just insecure when it comes to dealing with guys and this accident really compounded the situation. I think I have just been looking for some reassurance and an outside opinion on this whole thing. I am happy with just being friends and taking things slow. I still don't even know if he is/would ever be interested in more than friends, but regardless, I'll still be there for him. Thank you for all of your help.