I think I love someone who's paralyzed
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| Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:58pm |
and it's tearing me apart. This is recent - it only happened about a month ago. My problem is not that he's in a wheelchair (possibly for life - but I'd be with him regardless) but it's more of how to deal with my feelings and his now that this has happened.
Here's some background info: To start off, I'm 24 & he's the same age. I've gone to school with him since we were little, but we were never close friends. During college I would come home and run into him at a party, etc. There was always this feeling I got when I was around him. I graduated and moved back home. We have mutual friends so we'd still see each other every once in awhile - at the bar, at someones house, etc (never anything real like a date. About 8 months ago we started sleeping with each other and I knew it meant nothing. He had recently broken up with his gf and I wasn't looking for anything. I always enjoyed being around him, yet nothing ever changed from the partying, sleeping over and then that was it till another night out. We get along so well and we both enjoy each other's company. I moved about 40 minutes away for job reasons and only talked to him when he called me one night seeing if I could hang out the next day. I was being a brat and trying to not have such strong feelings for him. I ended up deleting his # out of my phone and didnt talk to him again.
Well last month he was in a car accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. I was nervous to contact him because I didn't know if he'd even want to hear from me. It took me a few weeks, but I finally found his # and got in touch. I loved every second of talking to him and realized I didn't care if he would never walk again, that scares me a lot that I feel so strongly like that. I visited him and now miss him so much I'm depressing myself. I don't know if I should continue to call him? His life just got turned upside down and I bet the last thing on his mind is being with someone. I need some advice on how to go about dealing with my feelings, and his feelings. I don't want to lose touch with him, but I also don't want to overwhelm him. I know we never had a real relationship, but I could feel something there...could be just me, but please..any help is appreciated.

I don't think I came across as I hoped to in my first post.
I want to be with him - regardless if he will walk again or not. It scares me because I've never felt so strongly for someone before like this, NOT because I don't want to be in love with someone in a wheelchair. Of course I feel sorry for him because this was not his fault and he most certainly did not deserve this to happen to him. My main reasoning for writing is how to go about things now. I still don't know if he does/ever did/ever will have feelings for me, but with this happening to him I'm scared that he might think I have ulterior motives or I'm just hanging around to give him sympathy, etc. This is not the case and I would do anything to help him. I'm trying to plan a fundraiser for him - anything to show him how much I care. And he is "functional" - we had a somewhat amusing conversation about this ending in me making sure he knows that's not why I'm here. He's still the same guy he's always been and I don't want to treat him any differently, but I would like something more and I don't know if he can or even wants to.
Yeah, he probably likes you, but I'd still take it slow. A major accident like this can cause a lot of issues in both him and others, including you. Spend time with him, support him, show him that you care. I wouldn't go so far as to tell him you love him yet though. He is going through a lot right now and doesn't know what to make of his new life. He does need support and care, but probably not a sudden serious relationship. If it's going to happen, it will probably happen anyway, but I'd make sure he's accustomed to his new life and how to deal with everyday things, not to mention his emotions with what has happened. I don't think you are having these feelings because you feel sorry for him, but I would still take it slow for both your sakes.
You need to ask yourself, what do you gain from telling him you love him right now or trying to start something serious with him immediately? Would waiting a month or two or three (while just supporting and caring for him) before getting into something serious damage anything? Plus it'll give you guys a chance to get reaquainted and build a more solid foundation to a potential relationship. It sounds like since you guys were more FWB than anything before, that you could use some time to do some other activities anyway! :) Good luck.
-MFG
I can see where people may think this is me just reacting to his condition, but I felt this way before it happened (like I said, it's only been a little over a month). I just adore who he is and his personality - I feel so at ease around him. I don't think about anything else when I'm around him and could care less about what's going on anywhere else.
I've never been good when it comes to dealing with guys - do they like me, should I call him, etc - but this accident makes me even more cautious. I slept over (and thats all) this past weekend and can't even decide when is "too soon" to call him. And of course our past always seemed to include alcohol (not good) so I always second guess everything. Would he remember what I said to him? Is our past a blur even though it was just a fwb situation? I suppose I'm waiting for him to call me, but that leads me back to the fact that he has major changes going on and he might not and/or I don't want to bother him. I suppose if its meant to be it'll be. Man I hate that.
I know what you mean about people suddenly leaving because they don't know how to react of what to say. They end up staying away. It happens to accident victims woth permanent injuries, widows, parent's whose children have died...
If you like him stay by him as a friend would until you both decide if you will take it to the next level.