I think it is over

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
I think it is over
12
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:42pm
I've had it. This morning I found his cell phone bill and looked at it. he is always lying about who is calling him. Well, there were plenty of late nite/early morning calls to one number, guess what a girl's. We have gone through this before with his text messaging. Put it wasn't short concos, it was 50 to 80 minutes. He wa already at work, so I left his bill out with a note. He better have a good excuse why he called a nother girl at 1 in the morning and talked to her for more than an hour. We have never had an hour phone convo. He is going to be mad, but I said if he wanted to explain call me otherwise don't bother.
I am sick of it. I love him, but that is very disrespectful to me, don't you think? I do. I wanted to vent, but wanted to know what you would do. I like other people's opinions. Have a good day.
Thank you
M~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:29pm
Personally I wouldn't put up with it either. You're right, it is disrespectful to you. It would only drive you crazy worrying about it if you stayed with him and let it continue. Every time his phone would ring you would wonder who it is. And you don't wanna have to check his phone to see who he's called. You made a good choice by confronting him and ending it. Go out and find someone who only calls you at 1am. Good luck :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 10:30pm
I agree, this is disrespectful behavior. If he cannot be honest with you, then he shouldn't be able to be with you. I don't think that him talking to another woman for hours if he has never had a phone conversation with you that is that long is a good sign (unless maybe he was talking to him mom). I would say you should ditch this guy because there is no reason you need to stay in a relationship that is not satisfying or fun. Good luck with whatever you choose!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:37am

I'm just curious, what would be a good excuse?

I told this to a good friend once who was in a similar situation. She would say she knew she needed to end it and that he wasn't being respectful but then she always gave him an out. She'd go in all upsetadn demand an explanation and he'd provide one and they'd kepe dating. It went on for about 4-5 months.

The thing is she knew about the issue from the first month and complained from the first month yet rather then accepting this guy just wasn't right for her she kept making excuses and letting him make excsues and she kept being unhappy.

What's the point really?

You know you wont be abel to trust him. You know you're going to keep checking his ohone records. Deep down you know the phone calls are going to keep appearing.

So, seriously, what excuse is good enough? How much time will that by you before your hurt and lokoing at another phone bill and asking for another excuse?

I mean if you're not ready to end it, that's fine. It's understandable, it's hard to let go sometimes. It's scary to be on your own again. But if you can't be real with me at least be real with yourself. Your just looking for an excuse to hang on to a guy you already know isn't right for you.

So what's the point in saying anything? Your probably just going to accept whatever pathetic excuse he offers and wind up in the same place in a week or a month or whenever you catch him talking at 1:00AM. Why bother confronting him? If you haven't worked up the guts to just be done with it; what's the point? Your just wasting a lot of energy getting upset over something your going to accept anyway.

Wait until your ready to walk away and then just walk away. Don't explain it. Don't give him an out. Don't give him an opportunity to beg your forgiveness. Just leave. You don't OWE him anything, it should be pretty obvious why you're leaving.

All talking about it and asking for an explanation does, is tell him that he can con you. It tells him you're too weak to leave and that you'll except whatever lame-ash excuse he gives you. Your essential saying, "Please lie to me. I don't want to break up and I'll accept whatever half-hearted lame reason you come up with. SO please just lie to me more so I don't have to face a break up." Why keep putting yourself through that? Just go and don't accept let alone ASK for his lame-ash explantion.

I hope this doesn't seem mean, I'm just trying to show you what it looks like from the outside. Love him or not he's playing you for a fool. Personally, I'm not to keen on being a fool for love. I'm more a fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me sort of gal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:42am
Thanks for helping me.
~M


Edited 6/12/2005 5:50 pm ET ET by avshockeygal
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 11:35pm

Sad to say I'm one of those "fools" in love you talked about. Yes, I see it in EVERYTHING you wrote here. I confront him, he gives me some excuse, I sigh a big relief and all is just wonderful. I ask him to tell me it's over, but he says he's not sure yet. He moved out three weeks ago, after living together for about a year and a half, but he keeps his stuff and most of his clothes still here. He has spent the night once since he left, that was last Tuesday. I thought all was "on track" again, only to be left disappointed. I am so scared to just walk away. I know it is not right, this is an unhealthy relationship, I just can't seem to pack his stuff and bring it to him! I packed his stuff a couple months ago, all of it, when he went out and didn't call, didn't come home, but he offered me a lamea..excuse and I took it. We unpacked his stuff and all was wonderful again. Bandaids. His affections never seem to last more than three months at a time, and that's because I let him kick me like a dog, so to speak.

How does one get the strength to just say goodbye? maybe we're just as lame as them. If they can't give us a straightforward goodbye, and try to walk away without closure, what makes us any better at not making it a goodbye? We can get closure of our own.......it's that it is more difficult to take charge, so we too, take the easy way out, even if it breaks our hearts over and over again.

I'm going for it this week. One goodbye, one really good cry. Hope he lets me go. Hope I don't take anymore excuses!

sorry for the vent. Bad night, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 7:43am

"We can get closure of our own.......it's that it is more difficult to take charge, so we too, take the easy way out, even if it breaks our hearts over and over again."

Maybe try stop looking at the little picture and look at the BIG picture. Sure in that moment when he's making the excuse and you're thinking about excepting it, it SEEMS to be the easy way out, but is it REALLY?

Is it really EASIER to keep doing this to yourself? Is it really easier to go through the heartbreak over, and over, and over, and over, and over?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a little over a year. In the end I finally realized I simply couldn't keep doing this to MYSELF. I HAD to stand up for myself take responsibility for my future and walk away. He wasn't going to make it easy on me and in the end I never have found "closure" but I have made my peace with it.

The only thing that is going to bring "closure" to your situation would be him waking up and finally saying what you want to hear, "I'm sorry. I'm a jacka**. I don't deserve you and I'm sorry I've made your life he** but I'm going to let you go know because I can never be the man you deserve."

It's never going to happen.

You're going to have to be strong because he's probably not going to make it easy. BUT YOU can make it easy on YOURSELF. Don't even bother saying anyhtign until you feel like you've built up the strength to make a clean break with little to no explanation. In other words. Pack up his stuff; find one or two friends you cna count on to take the stuff to wherever he leaves and leave it there for you with a SHORT letter. When he calls don't answer, if he emails delete it, if he comes by don't answer the door. All talking about it does is give him an opportunity to break your resolve. Why do that to yourself? HE doesn't "deserve" any more explanation then, "I'm sorry this just isn't working for me. I care for you but I can't be with you." Regardless of how mnay times he begs for an explanation or says he thinks he deserves one, trust me that short sinple explanation is MORE then adequate.

If you start to feel like giving in and "explainnning" or "talking it out", remind yourself how much good all those other explanations and talks did. How much heartache and trouble all those other "second chances" and "this time it'll be different, I swears." cost you.

That's how you stay strong you remind yourself of the BIG picture, with pain, pain, and more pain, for every chance you've given. Heartbreak, heartache, and mental torture for every moment of temporary relief let alone happiness. You remind yourself that "happy" or "okay" 75% of the time while in the back of your mind your just waiting for the other shoe to drop is NOT REAL HAPPINESS. It's a protracted state of anxiety just waiting for the opportunity to come unhinged and it ALWAYS does.

You'll have to find the strength, the courage, and the peace you deserve within yourself. Lean on your friends. Ask for help. You do have the strength to stand on your own and do what is best for yourself, to look at the big picture and make peace witht it and do the right thing for you. You only have to rediscover it within yourself. It's always been there and it always will be. Sometimes we just forget that.

Don't be afraid to ask for support, just beacsue you have to take responsibility for your life and stand up for yourself doesn't mean you have to stand alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:25pm
ITA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 7:43pm

Thanks nick, for the reminder. Yes, I am already rebuilding my strength and resolve to let him go. I won't kick myself for having one weak moment in three weeks by writing him an email last night. The more I thought about it, I didn't really have much other choice, as he will not talk to me. He is great to me whenever I see him until the subject of getting together to get his stuff out, or talk about it comes up.

This is his problem, not mine and I have to learn to let go and let him deal with this on his own, as I have to do on my own. It is summer time and I am going to make it the best summer I've had in a long while. It will be my first real single summer since my divorce, so he is going to have to take HIS turn on the sideline for a while.

He is staying with friends, that I have become close with, and I know when he is not there, so yea, maybe this weekend he'll find a package and a SHORT note attached telling him to get the rest of his items from the basement, that there's nothing left of his in the apt and return my key. He can access the basement without going through the apt.

I do deserve to be at least 98% happy, without all the drama so I'm going for it. Thanks for the support. Good luck with your situation as well. We DON'T have to go it alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:02am

I'm really glad you didn't take what I said the wrong way.

"I won't kick myself for having one weak moment..."

And you shouldn't not ever not if you have a hundred weak moments. If I had done that to myself everytime I kicked my abusive ex out only to somehow find myself asking him (sometimes even begging) him to stay I would have never been able to build up the stamina to kick him out for real.

Misteps are part of living the only way ANYONE can really fail is if they give up on themselves. The only real difference between a "successful" person and a "failure" is the "failure" gave up to soon.

Sometimes these things take practice and time to build up. I know it always has for me too). The important thing is to be KIND and FORGIVING to YOURSELF and do what is right for you in the long run even when it's tough in the short term.

Good luck. Enjoy your best summer ever!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:24pm
like the old saying goes a leopard doesnt change his spots, once a liar always a liar,
i was with a man for 4 years, he lied to me all the time, i finally just walked away after being heart broken, we are great friends now, because i see the faults instead of the pedestal i put him on. i thought that it might be the individual who just generally doesnt want to see the truth(me) who gets lied to all the time, but this guy is now living with someone new who became a really good friend of mine and he lies to her all the time too. about stupid things. so you just never know if youll be able to trust him again, but get out before it sucks all the life out of you and you never trust anyone again.

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