I think my boyfriend may be an alcoholic

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
I think my boyfriend may be an alcoholic
4
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:47pm

Hi Everyone,

I'm hoping you can comment or offer advice. I have been dating a great guy for 4 months now. We get along great and really adore each other. We spend 3 days a week together (I sleep over on Friday nights) and for the most part I've been very happy. He sold his company a couple of months ago which has caused him to be depressed and he has been drinking everyday. He has many guy friends and they go to his house and hang out on the days I don't see him (he's 39 and I'm 35). I really wanted things to work with us (long-term) but now I am having MAJOR doubts if it could ever work. Even when he wasn't drinking everyday he was still drinking 3 or 4 days out of the week. I wrote another post recently about how he doesn't kiss (make out) although he is very cuddly and affectionate. Does this mean he is emotionally unavailable?Should I run for the hills now or talk it over with him? Is there any chance for us?

Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:43am

I think that you're rushing in too quickly with the labels (alcoholic, emotionally unavailable)

I'm not going to comment on whether or not he's an alcoholic. He may simply be enjoying drinking with the boys. Granted, it seems a little excessive, but perhaps that's the lifestyle they enjoy.

Is he emotionally unavailable? To me, this term describes someone who has trouble letting a partner inside their mind. I'm not sure how this would relate to him not enjoying kissing.

Yes, do discuss with him if you don't like aspects of his behaviour....but be aware that he may be perfectly happy with himself. In which case, the decision to stay or go is up to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:49am

It's difficult to say if he's an alcoholic or not because besides the frequency of his drinking, you didn't really say much about his behavior.

My definition of an addiction is the use of something which disrupts your everyday life.

My grandfather was an alcoholic and my mother banned him from drinking in her house when I was a child because she didn't want my brother and I to see it. So you know what he did? He went out to his car in the middle of winter (and in the middle of the day) and drank. THAT is an alcoholic. Because he would rather disrupt his everyday life by sitting outside in the freezing cold then stop drinking for a few days while visiting us.

Drinking everyday or most of the week isn't necessarily alcoholism. It's probably not the greatest thing for his health but it doesn't necessarily mean he's addicted to it. Especially when you say he's drinking everyday but you don't say he's actually getting drunk everyday?

If his drinking is bothering you, why not simply tell him that you worry about his well being because he's been drinking so much lately? You're not telling him what to do but if he see's that you're concerned, he might choose to back off a little on the drinking because he doesn't want to worry you.

I also don't think that just because he's not very kissy it means he's emotionally unavailable. Maybe he's just not a big kissing fan and enjoys other signs of affection and sexual attraction? You say he is very affection in other ways so I'm guessing this is probably the case.

I don't think you have much to worry about... talk to him about his drinking and see if he'll back off a little bit but I doubt you need to go so far as to sign him up for AA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 8:36am
I totally understand where your coming from gemini. I came from a family of alcoholics and im seeing a guy who has the same issues your discribing about your boyfriend.But my guy knows what hes doing and hes admitted to me that he know he has a problem and is trying to slow it down and but it is hard. So ive talked to him about it and told him that im not trying to change him and that if he needs someone to talk to just let me know.Some days he calls me and tells me what triggers him off to drink and i all i do is listen and sometimes this helps him and then hes fine for awhile. So maybe you should have a talk to him and tell him your worried about him and see what he says. Most alcoholics wont admit to their problem until their ready or know that others are concerned about them , it takes time . Its a day to day struggle for them because they dont want to admit about their faliure in life or other things so they rather pick up that drink so they can forget about it .Best thing you can do is show him your support and love and just be there for him when he gets like that and hopefully it will help him come to relize this and maybe he will slow it down .But if hes doing this for fun and is having just a few drinks to unwind after the day he most likely not a alcoholic, but if hes doing this all day long 5 to 6 days a week then yes he has a problem. I hope every thing works out for you .
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 2:16pm

Having had experience in this area, as well ... drinking a lot doesn't necessarily make a person an alcoholic. Though, it certainly can indicate a problem managing one's alcohol intake ... unless his drinking is compulsive, unless his drinking is impacting/affecting other areas of his life, then his drinking is probably just a result of his current depressed state. Which, hopefully, means it's a phase and doesn't escalate into something more.

Does he drink to get drunk? Can he limit himself? (ie, stop at just a few drinks, if he says "I'll just have 3 drinks," does he stop at 3 drinks?). Does he miss work or other obligations due to his drinking? These would be indicators of a bigger problem.

You may want to go to the AA website ... http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org

As stated there:
<< Am I an alcoholic?

If you repeatedly drink more than you intend or want to, if you get into trouble, or if you have memory lapses when you drink, you may be an alcoholic. Only you can decide. No one in A.A. will tell you whether you are or not. >>

I'd also recommend going to About.com and doing a search on the subject, as there's a ton of info there, too.

The only thing you can do is let him know that you're concerned about it ... and set boundaries for yourself in terms of what's acceptable to you.