I want a break from him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
I want a break from him
16
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:18am

I just don't know how to do it. I've been with my bf for 1.5 years. He moved in with me in July and ever since, things have changed. He's never home. He doesn't spend time with me unless I make him. And even then, he's on the phone making plans with his friends for when I let him go. He's laid off for the winter right now so he stays out late every night and is never ready for bed when I am. So I always go to bed alone and he comes home some time in the middle of the night.

Last night he came home to eat and have sex with me, which was about an hour and a half total. When we were done, he started getting dressed and said he had to go. I got mad and told him I felt like a stop-over in between his friends'. He actually said he wouldn't have come home if his other friend had called earlier. I told him he shouldn't of even bothered coming home. Then, he made a production of getting his cell phone out and saying he'd cancel his plans because he had to stay home with me. I told him to go. He shouldn't feel like he HAS to stay with me. He should want to. But he never does.

I'm sick of wasting my time. I'm 29, already divorced, no kids, and I want a husband, house, kids, all of that. I really thought my bf was the one. But ever since we started living together its like i don't matter to him.

Every time he calls me from one of his friend's houses, he's watching movies with them. If I want to watch a movie with him, he gets all antsy and can't even sit still. He used to smoke pot alot and I finally told him he needed to stop. I think he still smokes at his friend's houses, which is why I'm never invited and why he's always over there. I've never found anything in my apartment but I'm sure he keeps drug stuff in his truck because we never take his truck anywhere, always my car.

So, I want to break up with him. I just don't know how. I know he has no money to find an apartment on his own. And his credit is shot. I feel like telling him to go live with one of his friends since he's over there so much anyway.

Does anybody have any advice? I hate confrontation. I've thought about breaking up with him so many times but I always give him just one more chance. I don't want to anymore though.

TIA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:06pm
I would stop worrying about what he is going to do if you kick him out. He is a big boy and you aren't his Mommy. Stop acting like one. He is obviously using you or he has issues with the relationship he is trying to avoid. Either way, you aren't getting your needs met. Why are you so worried about his?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:21pm

ITA.


And I do think he'll have MANY choices of places to live. He's with his friends so much, Im sure they'll all pitch in and allow him to stay with them. If not, oh well, it's not YOUR FAULT he has no job, isn't looking to get a part-timer, or even temp job. And not your fault his credit is screwed.


Hugs. I would just tell him it's over, tell him he's got X amount of time to get out, and stick to it. Don't help him, just tell him.


And I personally think that whole STOPOVER bit the other night just sucks. I mean, he came home to eat and have sex and then left? I'd be so angry.


Anyhow. I agree, don't feel guilty. It's his life, you didn't force it upon him. And also, yes, you're not his mother, you don't have to take care of him. He's obviously not even stopping to think about you.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:51am

Thanks for the advice. I am finally at the breaking point. He went out with friends Tuesday night and promised me he'd leave Wednesday night open for me. When I called him from work yesterday afternoon asking if he wanted to go out to dinner, he said his friend/coworker Sean had called and wanted to see him. So he told me he may not be home when I got home and to just eat by myself.

Then, on the way home from work I called him and he had gotten called into work to do some shoveling. Even though I was pissed, work is work. I got home and his truck was there but he wasn't so I called him. Seems his friend/coworker Sean picked him up and they were working together. I totally think he lied to me. I don't think he worked at all. My first clue was that he didn't wear any of his thermal clothes under his clothes and he ALWAYS does when he works. But all his thermals were home. My second clue was-he told me he had to go back out and clean up some sidewalks because of the blowing snow. That shouldn't take 4+ hours. I went to bed at 10 and he wasn't home. I didn't hear him come in so who knows when it was. My third clue-the Spongebob Movie was on the coffeetable this morning which means he went to his friend Dan's to borrow it because I said I wanted to see it.

He called me at about 8 last night and said they had to go to another property to clean up the sidewalks and he'd be at least a couple more hours. At that point, I couldn't hide my anger and I was really snide to him. He said he'd leave tonight and tomorrow night open for me. Well, he knows I work Thursday nights and I had plans to go out tomorrow night with a friend.

Why should I waste my energy begging for his time and then always get let down?? I'm not happy. I want to go out and have fun but instead I'm always waiting for him to come home??!! I'm not in love with him anymore. I feel used. He needs to move out asap. God, I hope he calls me at work today. I would love to lay into him right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:05am
Why are these men such losers!!! (mine included) but I think....no I KNOW mine is an alcoholic with major issues that have nothing to do with me.
There are sooo many men out there who just treat us hard working "good" girls like dirt!! I have a 6 year old son...how in the world do I make sure he doesn't become one of these men?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:17am
To me, to be sure my son will not be a low life. I teach him to be a strong up standing individual. I let him know that no one owes him anything and hard work pays off. I teach him that you have to give to get. I let him know what a man is suppose to be like from Bible based Principles and that you can not call yourself a man unless you are doing all those things not one or two. Growing old does not make you a man. I keep him around strong male role models, I show him what a good woman is by being one myself and express to him how she should be treated. Those are a few and I am very confident my son will be a very bright young man and an upstanding adult. I always try to keep him grounded and focused on God. I take care of my 14 y/o cousin and only here good things about him and he is a teen and both the boys speak to people with respect yeas maam and no maam. They know there is no easy way in life. I do not believe in spoiling (well I do a bit) but it is all earned. I know how I am treated my boys will treat there women which is like a queen. My 7 and 14 y/o do all the cooking, cleaning, & laundry and now I am to the point of not asking and neither ask what do I do. My 7 y/o opens doors because he has been taught that is what a gentleman does and he looks down on a grown man who does not do it. Just be strong with your son and teach him the fundamentals along with talking to explain why things are they way they are. I know I do and have strong faith my boys will be fine. Sorry this got so long but I am so into my boys and make sure they know so when they are older and if were to choose to do wrong it is of their doing and not the lack of mine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:51am
Your absolutely right Marie. I have been in a situation similar to Tia's going on 3 years now. I need to do something before my son thinks its ok for my bf to come home in the middle of the night drunk and calling me names and degrading me. My son is everything to me....my world....now I just have to prove it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:56am
Yea, so it soon because he is soaking it in. That was the push for me to leave my sons father. When I thought of my son thinking this is right and to talk to a woman like that I just cringed. I did what I had to which meant I left everything behind but he saw me start from nothing and making when I didn't have to. Cause I could have taken everything in our house. Do what you have to for your child it will never be the wrong decision (at least to me) if you put their best interest first.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:14pm

Not to sound harsh, but you should also worry about what your son learns by YOUR behavior. He may not turn into a drunk, but he MAY find women who he can walk all over, abuse, or control.


My two cetns, if you want your son to grow up a good man, leave your bf and find someone who'll treat YOU well, as well as your SON!






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:32pm
I raised a son and a daughter alone. I made sure my son had good male role models to emmulate. One was my father, another my brother. However, there were others he looked up to as well. Like his boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. I didn't just assume, that because they were males in a position to mentor children, that they could be trusted to mentor my son. I took the time to speak with them and to learn their values and character. Your son is a little sponge and he will absorb whatever knowledge others project to him. As a parent you have to filter the good from the bad. Also, everyday teach him "The Golden Rule"--do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And explain to him what it really means. He will do just fine. The fact that you are aware of the influence you have on your child's development and social attitude is a big step towards insuring that he will be one of the "good" guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 2:24pm
I was having some of the same problem with my bf before we had our break. First try to sit down talk with him see whats going on and tell him whats on your mind about wanting to break up. And let him know that he has a dead line to get his stuff out and he needs to make other living arrangements, it sounds like he has plenty of friends lol. And don't let him give you a sobe story b/c he's probably trying to use you for a place to stay, so hold your foot down and just do it. And maybe he will realize a good thing he lost a try and change for the best because it sounds like you may still have strong feelings for b/c you wouldn't even think about leting him stay after all the things he's been doing and you breaking up with him. Sometimes a break can help a relationship in trouble work for the better. But DEFENITILEY boot him out the house if anything the sooner the better. This does not have to be confrentational just talk to him and make sure he knows why your doing it and it should go by smoothly. Good luck

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