I want to get married!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
I want to get married!
20
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:06pm
I am new here and I need some advice. I'd really appreciate any personal stories, your own or someone you know who might remind you of the situation I'm in. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I am at the point where I would like to get engaged. Our relationship is great. My boyfriend STILL buys me flowers, is thoughtful, takes me out, and talks about how I am the only girlfriend he has ever had who he can see a future with. Well I guess I'm tired of all this talk and i would like some action. I don't want to get into details because I have time constraints on me right now, but he feels he won't be ready to get engaged for another 3-4 years! I love him, but I don't understand it. I have been told by many women that there comes a point where one person is ready to get married and the other person isn't, and at some point the person who is looking for more committment needs to draw the line. I want to know how do I draw the line the right way? I know that I am ready to do this, I just don't know how. I know he will try to talk me out of it, and I know he will turn things around and tell me that I must not love him, but more and more I feel that if he still can't tell me that he knows I'm the one, then I feel that I am in this deeper than I should be. I don't feel any shame in saying that I have been with this man for 3 years and I want to take the next step. In my heart of hearts, I really believe that waiting for this for 3 more years or so makes no sense. In the first year that we were dating, people at work (and my friends) used to say things like, "WHy hasn't he proposed yet--doesn't he know what he has?" That would hurt me because it made it sound like he doesn't love me that much. I used to ignore it. Nowadays people have stopped asking me that because they've done it enough times and gotten nowhere, but now I am the one wondering if there is something wrong with me that he doesn't want to marry me. ANd we are both completely financially independent, if that matters at all. Thank you for any help. I hope someone can relate to me!! I know a few people who know women who have done this "draw the line" thing, and the men came running with an engagement ring. I am not trying to manipulate him into marrying me. I just want to move on with my life one way or another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 5:30pm
Hi and EXCELLENT!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:13pm
Sorry violet about posting a side thing on your post but I'm glad Cher that you found out that it's only really the money. It sounds like it in your case. Where as in my case that's not the major reason. It's one reason but the major one sounds like I'm not the one for him. I might need to talk so I'll email you sometime. This has been super rough for me this last week after he said this. He has apologized but you shouldn't ever ever say something like that if you don't mean it and I'm having a feeling that he did mean it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:15pm
It is a tough situation. If you make an ultimatum then he may feel pushed. However, if he feels that and does not care about how you feel, and he allows you to walk away, maybe he did not want to work the relationship in the first place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:33pm


BC, if you have chat, we can also if needed. Otherwise, email me and we can either talk that way or exchange information.


Hugs. I agree. I'm sorry, but I truly do feel that's not something you say when you're mad. It's somethign you say cuz you're not feeling it deep down inside.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:58pm

Hello violetbloom ~ you've gotten some great advice.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:40am
The voice of doom is back. You said several things that struck a sour note. When you said he would turn things around and say you don't love him it sounds very controlling and a way of avoiding any blame for his inaction. You also mentioned that he travels all the time and when he has any free time he visits his parents. Nice but when a man is head over heels in love he MAKES time to be with his special someone. Sounds like your not that special. Also, a big ring instead of a nice home for the TWO of you is not thinking about the future. It sounds like your being strung along. I knew a girl years ago that was in a similar situation with a traveling boyfriend that never committed. She later learned that he had girlfriends in other towns that was getting the same story. Now you may really love him but I see red flags that should put you on your guard. Remember, sometimes we women see qualities we want and need to see instead of facts we can't handle. I hope I'm totally wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 2:01am
Thanks everyone for your stories, opinions, and well wishes. I know that I have decided to give him a verbal ultimatum. Most of the opinions I've heard on this board are ideas that I have wrestled with myself, but ultimately I am a romantic who believes that it doesn't take 6 years for a man to figure out whether or not he wants to marry me. As much as I wish I could wait, I know I won't be able to. I do agree with the post that says that if I give him an ultimatum and he lets me walk away, that says a lot about his feelings for me. I am not willing to sacrifice another 3 (or more) years for someone who isn't sure about me and does not return my feelings. So yes, maybe he is not ready or whatever. Like I said before, I am not trying to manipulate him, but to simply lay it out on the table and let him decide. In response to the post about "pressuring" him into marriage, I just want to say that when I first met him I was dead-set against ultimatums. I didn't know a lot about how my parents met, but what I did know was that my mom gave my dad an ultimatum after dating for about a year. I used to always tell my mom that I would never "pressure" a man into marrying me. But one day I sat down and asked her if my dad ever had regrets or if he feels he was pressured into marrying her. I guess my dad says that he was completely free to make his own choice, and he chose my mom. They have been happily married for almost 30 years now. I am beginning to realize that sometimes men need a little push to make a decision, otherwise they will string you along for as long as they can get away with it. I am crying a lot right now because I know how hard this is going to be and obviously I am preparing myself to lose him, but I know that if I lose him it is just another chapter in life, and someday I will find someone who is willing to give me the love I want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 7:39am

Hey, I'm sorry to say I don't have time to read all the posts but I wanted to share my experience with you.

I have had the pleasure of being in three wonderful relationships witht three wonderful guys. I have bene engaged twice. Once before and once now.

The first guys was my high school sweetheart. We went off to college together, we were best friends no one could figure out why we weren't engaged especially towards the end of college as all our other friends started making wedding plans. He said it was money and waiting to get closer to graduation. I had always said I dind't wnat to get married until I graduated so I wasn't worried about it even thoough everyone around me was.

Eventually he did propose (we had been together six years) and I did accept. It seemed like the right thing to do. There was just one problem. When he proposed everything in me screamed "NOoooooooooo". After thinking about it a LOT I realized that this really wasn't what I wanted and I ended it. It was really difficult because it hurt both of us a lot, but I knew something wasn't right. When I was really honest with myself though I had known for a long time something wasn't right I just lacked the motivation and the courage to do anything about it.

The second was a guy I met about three years later in my mid twenties. This time after the first year he was saying things similar to your guy. That I was the first woman he could really picture a future with. That if he ever didn't see a future for us he would end it; he wouldn't waste my time or his on something that wouldn't last. That he wanted me to be out of debt and him to be completely financially secure before he got married. This went on for two more years and finally I just told him that I didn't think it should take three years to figure out if you wnat to spend you're life with someone.

The third is the love of my life the man I AM going to marry in October. The man who still hasn't "officially" proposed with a ring. The man I'm living, with paying off debt with, helping him put his race car back together, share a joint checking account with, whose will I'm in, who shares responsibility in taking care of a home and animals together, who is always there for me, who talks about WHEN we buy our next house, and AFTER we get married, and who I share a life with.

I've learned a few things about relationships and getting married over these 16 years. 1) If a guy really loves you there is almost nothing you can do to push him away 2) It doesn't take seven years or three years to figure out you're in love and you want to spend your life with a person (though it might take more years then you expect for you to truely be able to be a good partner) 3) If you're in love and he's in love and it's the kind of love that will last a life time neither of you cares about a ring or what other people think you just do what feels right to you.

So take it form me a person who this time around has broken all "the rules" and hasn't done one thing the way or when anyone expected, when it's right you know it and so will he and nothing like a ring will stop either of you.

IF you can really walk away from him becasue he wont marry you on your time table you're trying to marry the wrong man. You're more interested in finding a husband then you are intersted in finding the right partner to spend the rest of your life with and that is a sure sign you're priorities are messed up.

It took me 33 years to find the right man. Finding the right guy is well worth the wait. Being alone, being on your own, not having a boyfriend, all those problems can't compare to the loneliness you will feel spending your life feeling alone with the wrong person. Don't make that mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:43pm
Thanks for your post, it was great to read. The only comment I have to make is that this is not about time tables. This is about me wanting to give more committment and wanting to know if he is at the same level. It hurts a lot more to stay with someone who does not want to be as committed as you want to be than to just accept that you are in different places in life. My priorities are not messed up! I am not more interested in finding a husband than a life partner, the two are one in the same to me. Just because I feel that he is the right person for me, and I know it in my heart, doesn't mean he feels the same. And I'd like to know soon whether or not he does feel the same way. I have never really asked him. I AM interested in finding the right partner. That's why I am not going to waste another 3 or more years away only to be told the same thing I might be told today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:16pm
I totally understand how you must feel in this situation. I just wanted to ask if you've decided what you are going to do. I know you really want to stay but at the same time I completely understand after 3 years wanting to get married. Have you thought of giving an ultimatum. I know that a lot of people don't want to do that because they have to be prepared to walk and they don't want to force someone into marriage but sometimes it makes the other person open up their eyes and realize what they have and how they don't want to lose you. It's a tough decision. Hugs to you

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