im back. please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
im back. please help
22
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 12:46am

So, I found out there was a little more to her past than she first told me. Over the weekend we talked again. I found out she wasn’t with 8 guys, but instead 9 guys and this also included a foursome with 2 of the guys and her best friend. So she was with 2 other guys and a girl at the same time.

She told me she lost her virginity at 18. I got with her when she was 22 back in November 2004 and we have been together since then.

So at 18:

Guy #1 there is the guy she lost her virginity to

Guy #2 She had a one night stand in cancun during senior week

Guy #3 She meet when she came home from cancun and had an on and off relationship she says went on for 3 years.

Guy #4 She slept with got pregnant and had an abortion. She is still 18 at this time.

Now around when she was 18 - 19:

Guy #5 slept with him, don’t know whether it was a one nighter or what

Guy #6 Had a foursome with. Which included Guy #5 and also her female best friend.

Don’t know what ages these happened during:

Guy # 7 Had a one night stand with some guy when she went to go visit a friend at college.

Guy #8 The softball coach. She said she slept with him twice and wanted a relationship at the time with him but he didn’t she stopped sleeping with him.

Guy # 9 Her brothers best friend, who is also a close friend to the family and bartends at the bar that sponsers the softball team.

So she said that is now everything. 9 guys, 2 of which where in a foursome with her.

I still have to see Guy #8 when ever she has a game and GUy #9 if he is working at the bar or at a major family event. She walked down the aisle with him at her brothers wedding for example. I was her date to the wedding. BUt she was in the wedding and so was he.

We have been together now for 8 months. We are living together. I loved her before I knew all this. I still love her now that I know, but am bothered by it. How could she give herself away soo freely to these people who didn’t care about her??? Also how could she degrade herself and be used by 2 guys in a foursome???

Im soo confused, hurt, angry and depressed.

She was crying telling me this. She was crying saying I think she’s a whore slut girlfriend. She said all she wants to do is love me and be with me. She said she wants to get married and have a family with me. Saying all she wants is me and she said if I leave her her heart would be shattered .That that is her past and she is over it. And she regrets all her mistakes and would never have been with anyone had she knew she would have met me.

How can I get over this? I love her, but don’t know how to put this stuff out of my mind.

Im very serious about this post.

What should I do??

Seek therapy?? How could therapy make me forget something?

Try Hypnosis?? Tell the lady I want to be hypnotized and to wake up forgetting all about it?

Please help. I’m really hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:06pm

Ok paguy, I still don't think your knowledge of her past is really your business to know. You shouldn't have asked such questions if you loved her! And in such detail? Geez, reading it, I kept screaming to myself, none of this matters, the details , none of it! If you love her than thats it.

She was 18, she was experimenting, she was in college! I can say I did things in college that I wouldn't do now. Matter of fact, I don't count a few that happened then when I come up with my number....lol. It's nobody's business! I count the ones that were significant, haha which is alot less. Am I lying? Well yes, but who am I hurting. What good would it do to tell someone details of a few years that I am not proud of, and was just learning who I really am. I am very spiritual now, and won't be in relations without a relationship and love but there was a time, I didn't realize that I deserved better and to be true to myself.

How bout this.... I was told that when I was a baby, I poo'd in my diaper and in the kitchen floor , I started playing with it and smearing it on the refrigerater. GROSS RIGHT!!! Oh my gawd, how could I do that, why would anybody want anything to do with me because of what I did. Well, I was a couple months old, am I to be punished and labeled for what I didn't know??

So that was extreme and disgusting, but I really wish you would forget what you heard. However, Once you hear something you can't unhear it, or see something, you cant unsee it, so I do think how you see her will be forever changed. And thats sad. If you really wanted to not let it be an issue, you wouldn't have brought it up a second time. You wouldn't get intimate details and sequences, names, how many times, I mean geez. None of her past really matters unless she has not ever learned to love. I think she has, but what she's learning now, is that being upfront and not discreet, that people will judge her for things that she shouldn't be judged on.
IMO, It's not your place to judge her, just accept her or leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:34pm

ok, your girlfriend was a slut. Is that what you want to hear? Or would you prefer to hear that she *is* a slut? would that help you move on? And, no you don't love her. Because if you did you would *care* enough about her to move past this.

So, what are u going to do? She did it. The past cannot be changed.

You either stay with her and accept her past, or you leave and find someone else.

It's really very simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:47pm
you women would make great friends
i wish i had friends that had my back like that
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:50pm

I've read all the posts and all I cna say is that I agree with Marie. IF you cna't get over it and wont stop judging her you need to leave her.

It isn't fair to EITHER of you for you to keep prying into her past because she doesn't live up to your high standards and YOU can't handle it. All this is doing is making you more upset and her feel more like a slut. Which she isn't.

Either get over it or end it, it's just plain cruel for you to kepe torturing both of you because you can't handle that she might have had sex with someone else and enjoyed it or she isn't a virgin and she my have experimented with sex.

Hop down off the judgement pedestal and leave her alone.

FYI - this is why it's better not to divulge or ASK about a person's sexual past in explicit detail. You might not like what you fond out.

Get over yourself or move on. She's not torturing, you're torturing yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 2:29pm
If she can look past his 35 conquests I think it's fair for him to look past her 9.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 2:30pm
I have no idea what you are talking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:19am
the 9 isnt really bothering me that much as the fact of her doing a 4 some. she did two guys at once. i never did anything like that. i dont know how to make myself accept that. i think its so degrading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:28am

And I think it's degrading that you slept with 35 people, some of which you say are nameless people that you just hooked up with. It's irrelevant.

Why did you have a second conversation about your pasts after the first conversation upset you so much? Seems like beating a dead horse and turning it over and beating it again. First you were upset with her number and that she's friends with some still, now you are upset with she had a foursome and you never did so somehow that's degrading.

You really need to get your priorities straight, you either love this woman for who she is and the mistakes she's made and the lessons she's learned to get her to the place she is now, just as she's accepted you for the 35 women you've slept with and the mistakes you've made and the lessons you learned along the way or you end it.

At this point your the pot calling the kettle black. You slept with 35 women, I wouldn't be standing in judgment over ANYONE with that track record.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:54pm
What is degrading is your reaction to what someone else did. Ever read the Bible? It says, "judge not, lest ye also be judged" and also "ye who are without sin cast the first stone". I am not overly religious, but I think these verses speak well on this subject.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:00pm

<< the 9 isnt really bothering me that much as the fact of her doing a 4 some. she did two guys at once. i never did anything like that. i dont know how to make myself accept that. i think its so degrading.>>

I'm sincerely having a hard time with the fact that you're still posting and harping on this with no talk of any course of action or what you're going to do about it. At some point, are you going to stop dwelling on it and DO something.

So, you 'never did anything like that' ...but, you did sleep with 35 women! Does she think that's degrading? Does she accept your 35?

You either accept it or you don't. Because you accept her for who she is or you don't. Pure and simple. If you can't 'make' yourself accept it ... which doesn't sound like you can ... get on with your life and let her get on with hers ... because, if you loved her, you'd accept it. Period.