I'm a brat and need to stop it!
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:12pm |
I have always had this problem of being a brat/bit@h whenever things don't go my way. I have been dating a new guy for a little over a month and so far things are wonderful...except for my brat/bit@h problem. We got into our first major argument the other night (I went overboard for no reason) and he said this brat thing I do is getting old. I'm afraid that if I don't change he's going to get fed up and move on. So far, he has been very patient but that can only last so long. I don't want to change for him, but for myself. This has been a problem for years and effects every relationship I have ( I have lost friendships because I was too stubborn to admit I was wrong). After the fact I always realize I was being unreasonable, but I never stop myself from being a brat/bit@h in the first place. Since I've never been this way I don't know how to NOT be this way? Any advice?
~Stacy~

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That was pretty harsh...I acknowledge that I have a problem and don't want to be a "drama queen" anymore. If I were self-absorbed I would have no desire to change. I was looking for advice, not critism.
~Stacy~
cl-stacymt29
cl for: Real Life Confessions
Well, you've taken the first step, so congrats for that. The next big step and it's probably the toughest part is getting to the bottom of WHY you do it.
Why do you suppose you act this way? What seems to trigger it? Do you act this way over certain subjects? Does there seem to be certain trigger points? It probably goes back to an ingrained response that began when you were young.
For example, I go into bit@h mode when someone yells at me. It makes me feel trapped and makes me lash out because I feel cornered, which is something my Mom, while not at all abusive, made me feel when I was young. So whenever it happens my first instinct is to lash out.
The other reason some people do this is to get attention. Once again it is an automatic response. Something that you learned to do that got you attention when you were young when you felt neglected. Maybe because you have younger brother or sister who stole the limelight.
You know you shouldn't act this way so it obviously is something that is an automatic response for you rather then an intential thought out one. If you can get to the bottom of when and why it started you should start to find it easier to recognize it coming on faster and diffuse it when it happens.
Also, never underestimate the power of a heartfelt, "I'm sorry. I know what I just did was wrong and I am trying to stop. Thank you for being so patient with me." If you let this guy know you're trying to change he may even be willing to help you through it.
For the record, I recognized my bad behavior when I was around 18-19 and it took years to get it completely under control but I found that a swift appology goes a long way with most people.
One other thought, if this is something that hasn't always been an issue for you and you are on any form of hormonal birth control, talk to your doctor. I was once on a tri-phasic bill; it made me feel psyhcotic. My hormones were a mess, I got put on a lower dose pill with the same dosgae everyday and within two months I was doing MUCH better. SOme women's bodies are just much more sensitive to hormonal changes then others.
"That was pretty harsh...I acknowledge that I have a problem and don't want to be a "drama queen" anymore. If I were self-absorbed I would have no desire to change. I was looking for advice, not critism."
I was harsh on purpose because I really was trying to help. The reason I was harsh was so that you would know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior. You now know that it doesn't feel to good. I know it was a bit devious, but sometimes that's the best way to help someone change. Good luck...
My two cents. Seek professional help if you can (therapy, counseling, etc) if you can afford it, or find a clinic where there are lower rates, etc.
Secondly, you need to do some major soul searching. Books are always a good way to start and help you out. You need to find out WHY you act this way. BTDT, I was like that for oh, a very long time. And mainly, it boiled down to, "I'm spoiled, I want things my way, and when I didn't get it, I'd get angry, until I did get it". Why do you expect life to go your way all the time? As I used to tell my gf, as harsh as it was, "you're not the sun, we don't revolve around you, get used to it or have no one in your life ever".
how do you change it? One thing at a time. Don't try to attack your entire personality at once. Start with something small, change it. Next. i.e. the stubborn part, work on that, learn to apologize FAST, as soon as you know. Yup, it'll be hard, but do it.
And lastly, if you feel comfortable enough, tell the guy you're seeing, what you plan on doing, and if he'd give you some leeway to apologize more. He may or may not be willing since you two haven't been dating that long, so you'll have to accept that. Good luck. It's a hard long journey, but it's a good one.
Hi,
Here's some advice.
1. It's really good you're ready to change, most people have something about them that needs adjustment, but few do it.
2. I'd try to identify triggering situations and avoid them.
3. You won't be able to or want to avoid all situations so identify carefully the feelings you get right before you get 'that bxtchy look' or open your mouth.
4. In your head, practice getting that feeling and doing something else. It can be a memorized practiced response. Simple enough that you can do it on the fly. "excuse me I have to go to the bathroom." for example. Go to the bathroom, compose yourself, and then talk afresh and say what you think and not the bxtchy things. Another thing is to take abreath and say something else that you feel that is positive. " I really love you, boyfriend." and smile. He'll smile back and maybe that will give you the composure to contribute rationally to the conversation.
Be patient with yourself and tell him what you are trying to do. If you can accept help from him, ask him to say "you're doing it again" in case you don't catch it. Empower him to react and react calmly, that might help him be more patient.
Do keep up with the apologies, too. Look him in the eye when you do and quickly as you can.:)
Good luck. I've changed the way I argue, I never am verbally combative in arguments any more. I wait until things simmer down and then talk, even if I have to leave the room for a while or get space for a day. It took a lot of practice to change, but it can be done!
Thanks for the advice nick91171. I definitely act this way for the attention. I grew up with an absent father and a mother who worker 2-3 jobs to support me and my brother. The only thing that seems to trigger it is when I'm not getting my way (for example, if I want to eat at a particular restaurant or watch a specific tv show). But I'm not a child and the way I act is childish. Also, I don't get my way after I act this way, so why continue it?
I do aplogize to the new guy whenever I act this way. And even though he accepts my apology, he wonders why I still continue the behavior if I know it's bad.
Thanks again!
~Stacy~
cl-stacymt29
cl for: Real Life Confessions
Devious, but good mandel17_99! I get it, I get it!
~Stacy~
cl-stacymt29
cl for: Real Life Confessions
<< Since I've never been this way I don't know how to NOT be this way? Any advice?>>
First off, it's great that you recognize this and want to change. This means that you're growing. Secondly, you recognize that you need to change this for YOU ... not for anyone else ... which is KEY in a true "behaviors" change process. Thirdly, you do realize that being a "brat/b%#ch" is NOT obtaining the results you'd like to acheive -- which is maintaining friendships and relationships that WORK for you and those in your life. That if you DO continue on this path, it will drive a wedge between you and the people in your life and KEEP you from forming healthy relationships.
Suggestions:
1) if you want to take a HUGE step forward, with objectivity, counseling is always a good option. Commit to at least 6 sessions before deciding whether or not it's working for you.
2) Go to the bookstore, check out the "self-help/improvement" section and pick up a few books on the subject of behavioral changes and/or "growing up" (because, not being a brat is the same as saying "I want to grow up" right?) ... or check out Amazon.com and search thru some titles there that apply to you.
3) Ask yourself "whom do I admire?" Is there someone in your life whom you view as a role model and can emulate and be "more like this person." If you have such a person in your life, TALK to that person ... spend more time with that person and pick up on the positive aspects of that person's character and integrate those qualities into how YOU want to be.
4) Get out a plain piece of paper, draw a line down the middle. On one side label it "this is me" and on the other side label it "this is how I WANT to be."
For example, one side might say "I want to be right" ... the other side could say "I'd rather be happy than right" ... "I'm stubborn" on one side, other side could say "I want to be open-minded." Continue with this until you have AT LEAST 10 things on the list, more if you need to. This is basically called taking a "personal inventory." Hang it on your refridgerator or some place that you'll SEE it everyday ... and READ IT everyday. Give it time, and you'll start BELIEVING and seeing in yourself the things on the "I want to be" column. Positive affirmations of the changes you want to make.
5) If something isn't going your way or you feel the need to instigate an argument or get defensive, STOP ...count to 10 ... breathe ... think before you speak. Basically, give yourself a TIME OUT! People who are stubborn or want to "make their point" or be "right" often have a tendency to blurt things out before the other person is finished speaking ... or thinking about what you're going to say and therefore, quite literally, not hearing what the other person is saying ... if you feel something like this coming on, bite your lip and WAIT. Do this until it becomes second nature to not feel the need to make your point. It's the art of learning to listen and being open to receiving.
I hope this helps!
So you've hit the beginning of step two, you know the basics about your trigger point, now get more specific.
Do you do this EVERY time you don't get your way? Do you do this with EVERY person you don't get your way with? What is different about the situations and people you do this with?
Here's what I think is going on, you probably don't behave this way with people you don't know well or people's whose opinions don't matter to you. You probably only behave this way with people you want to love you: your Mom, friends, boyfriends. AND you probably only act this way when you feel you need attention. When you are feeling good and confident in their love you probably don't do this.
So what you are doing is not only seeking attention but testing their love for you to reassure yourself. It may seem messed up to do something that you know pushes people away to reassure yourself, but that's essentially what this does. You push them away by acting obnoxious and when they accept your apology and love you anyway it reassures you that they love you and that no matter how badly you behave they will always love you.
Of course, the down side to that is that eventually it gets old and people finally let you push them away at which point your worset fears are confirmed and you have to move on to someone else. Your force yourself into a situation where essentially what you are looking for in friends and boyfriend is someone who can put up with the crap you dish out. And of course, only a doormat would do that and you probably don't want to be with a bunch of doormats so...
The best way to fix this is to find other ways to reassure yourself about how loved you really are. First you can out right ask for reassurance. You can ask people you love to be understanding of this rough spot you're going through and to try to reassure you with words and actions. Ask them to give you kind words and physical affection, touch can be VERY reassuring even if it's just a hug or gentle hand on your shoulder.
Growing up, heck to this day, I occassional just walk up to a loved one and hug them relly tight. If they ask what was that for I just tell them I needed a hug. If my husband doesn't hug me back enough I'll tell him no I need a two arm real hug. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
You can also mentally got through a list, or actually right one, to remind yourself of all the ways your loved ones show how much they care. When you start to feel insecure about their love you can just mentally tick off the list. I used this technique to reassure myself of my husband's love when I was dealing with trust issues I had.
Another thing I can think of that might be at the heart of this issue is control. Perhaps you do this when you are feeling insecure and out of control. And when you get other people to cave to your demands it makes you feel more in control and empowered. In which case I could recommened a different approach. Given what you mentioned in your last post I tend to lean more toward the frist scenario, but you obviously know better then I do.
Give your trigger some more thought and get specific about the people, events, thoughts, and MOST importantly the FEELINGS that bring this trait out in you. Try to examine how you feel right before and right after you act this way and then ask yourself why you feel that way, what's at the heart of those feelings. Are you looking for reasurance for your fear of not being loved? Are you looking to reassure yourself that you ARE in control? Are you looking for the power trip of being in control?
All of our feelings and actions come down to one of two motivations: avoiding and/or eliminating something we fear or seeking something that will make us feel good. Which does your behavior accomplish, does it remove fear or does it make you feel good, give you a litlte rush that evryone did what YOU said (even if you know it shouldn't)?
The heart of the problem is usually the hardest to see because it's something we don't like about ourselves and the behavior is a way of hiding this thing we don't like from other people and even from ourselves. BUT denying what is at the heart of the problem because it's ugly will only make it that much harder to overcome the problem. Don't beat yourself up. It does no good. Be honest with yourself no matter how much you don't like it. It's the only way to change.
Just accept the feelings, they are normal and human we all have these things that we don't like feeling because we think it's "wrong" to feel that way. Denial just makes it harder. Accept it and then you can change it.
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