I'm a brat and need to stop it!
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:12pm |
I have always had this problem of being a brat/bit@h whenever things don't go my way. I have been dating a new guy for a little over a month and so far things are wonderful...except for my brat/bit@h problem. We got into our first major argument the other night (I went overboard for no reason) and he said this brat thing I do is getting old. I'm afraid that if I don't change he's going to get fed up and move on. So far, he has been very patient but that can only last so long. I don't want to change for him, but for myself. This has been a problem for years and effects every relationship I have ( I have lost friendships because I was too stubborn to admit I was wrong). After the fact I always realize I was being unreasonable, but I never stop myself from being a brat/bit@h in the first place. Since I've never been this way I don't know how to NOT be this way? Any advice?
~Stacy~

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I have a similar situation to the original poster in that whenever I don't get my own way I tend to have a negative reaction. The difference is that I can't seem to help it, I either sulk or cry. (This I realise to be an even more childish response than the b!ching and complaining. ) I've been trying hard not to, because frankly its embarassing, and I've gotten pretty good at hiding it from most people.
I wish there was a way that I could actually stop.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year now and despite my best efforts he always knows when I'm upset and I don't feel like its fair for him to always have to be worrying about upsetting me for things that the rational part of me realizes are trivialities.
Another thing that bugs me about the whole situation is that it is mostly only he anyway that I tend to get upset with. It has never bothered me not to get my own way with anyone else except for previous boyfriends. Why would this affect that part of my life and not other parts? I have never in my life been a whiner or a complainer but stick me in a situation with a man I care about and all of a sudden I'm a wreck.
I want to be able to stop hiding my unhappiness and just be happy. I am in general a very happy person, one of the most content with my life in general that I know. Its just in those specific situations.
Thank you for any suggestion that you could come up with!
Stroumphette
Well, consider this... the same advice applies you have to understand what is motivating the emotional response at it's core.
Does it make you feel good when your boyfriend responds the way he does or does it put your fears to rest? I know it's kind of splitting hairs.
I would guess you don't respond the same way with family becasue you feel completely secure in their love for you. With friends you don't respond that way because you aren't as invested in them. By that I don't mean that you don't love your friends as much, simply that the love is less directed. Often we feel that romatically there is only one person for us, so if we lose or miss that person it is more traumatic to us and therefore we are more invested in it.
First try to start accepting the fact that there is more then one person for us out there. If there weren't there would be a lot more people staying single and the divorce rate would be even higher then it is (I know tough to imagine). That will help ease some of the fear you have about losing this specific guy.
Second understand that while in some ways your reaction is different and you've already gotten pretty good at hiding it, your problem is very similar to the other poster. It's still a fear sort of reaction. Maybe your parents gave you your way a lot and maybe your friends do to most of the time so when he doesn't it feels like he doesn't love you. Part of how you feel love may be through getting your way. So if you don't get your way with someone you don't feel loved. With your parents and friends you're either more secure or less invetsed so when it happens it doens't bug you as much.
Third, the people that are closest to us often do sense our feelings better then others so it's only natural that your bf would notice it. Don't beat yourself up over the fact he's observent. Instead talk to him. Let him know that you have these feelings and that you know they are completely rediciulous and totally unfair and that's why you try to brush them aside. Let him know that you're trying to adrress this insecurity and that it's osmethign you kind of have to do on your own and that the best thing he can do to support you is...
But be careful with that is. If he's already very demonstartive of his affection for you you don't want to drive it over the top because to a point this really is more of an internal then an external problem. You just need to keep coaching yourself and reminding yourself that these feelings you get (no matter how normal are frustrating and destructive) and that rational they just don't click with who you are or want to be. Remind yourself of all the reasons they are irrational.
Eventually, they will virtually disappear. You can use this technique to modify almost any behavior or feelings you don't desire. They never disappear but you learn to get a handle on them so they don't interfer with your life or who you are and who you want the world to see you as.
I've been able to almost eliminate my bratty behavior, my bad temper, and my fear of trusting. Sure they ALL rear their ugly little heads from time to time and sometimes it's more of a struggle then others to rein them back in, like say when I'm in a bad mood. But for the most part I know have control of these feelings nad the negatve behavior prompted by them, they don't control me. It takes time and you have to stay inwardly focused and diligent about it, but if you truly want to change you can. Anyone can.
You can't 100% control a feeling and you aren't going to control your behavior 100% of the time, but say 90-98%, that's probably a realistic goal. And hey anyone who can't deal with a little bad behavior now and again, doesn't love you enough to be with you.
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