I'm confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
I'm confused
6
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:37pm

Hello all!
I'm in a very frustrating situation. I've been in a long-distance relationship for approximately 6 months (I've known him for a year). Anyway, let me tell you the whole story in as few words as possible.
About a year ago, I met this guy from NC (I'm in GA). After the first meeting, he and I communicated via phone for about a month, until he came down to see me. Well, that weekend I slept with him. I really hated myself for doing that because he and I weren't in a relationship. I told him that I felt like we were moving too fast and that I didn't want him to think that I was the kind of girl to sleep with men I barely know. After I got over that (it took a while), things continued to be fine between us. We talked, making plans for me to go to NC to visit him. Then, in August of last year, it all came crashing down. I got a phone call one evening: IT WAS HIS WIFE! SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW THAT HE WAS MARRIED! Believe me when I say that it was like I had been shot, straight through the heart. I was really hurt, probably more than I should've been. I had only know him for four months then, and we had only seen each other twice, including the first time we met. Anyway, I was hurt!

What made it worse was that he wouldn't return my phone calls for a week. I called him, losing all of my dignity, crying on voicemail, for him to give me an explanation. When he finally did call, he told me that he was married, but separated. He said that his wife is an evil wretch who doesn't want to see him happy; that's why she called me. There was nothing going on with them, he said. He said that he didn't return my phone calls because he was too embarrassed and didn't know what to say to me. Of course, I asked the obvious questions: what was she doing with your phone (the wife called from his cell). He said that he had to take something to her place and she used his phone to call me while he was in the bathroom. My therapist says that that was most likely a lie. Who knows?

You know, I really don't know why, but after several months of me going back and forth and up and down, I decided to try to forgive him. I wanted to try...I guess because I just didn't want to be alone. Over the past several months, we've moved on from that (I'm not completely sure that I have). He's gone from friend, to more than a friend to boyfriend. And now...

Today, I really don't know what's keeping me with him. Our conversations are boring. He seems more interested in having phone sex than talking about things that matter. I find myself lying to get out of talking to him on the phone (e.g. I'm not feeling well, and I'm going to bed). I don't even have much desire to see him. Our communcation is very weak; we honestly have very little to talk about. Honestly, it seems like we're just not compatible. I don't even think that what happened has anything to do with that. Also, when I did go to NC three weeks ago to see him, I couldn't wait to get home. I was in my boyfriend's hometown, and I was ready to go home. How crazy is that?

Another thing: I've been wanting to date other people. I asked a friend if she thought that I should tell him that we should see other people, or if I should just do it, without saying anything. I met this guy (he's actually a new doctor I've gone to see), and I think he was flirting with me. I wanted so badly to reciprocate, but I really didn't because I'm in a relationship, one that I'm not even sure I want to be in anymore. I'm sure he won't flirt with me again. I felt guiilty for being attracted to him because I'm in a relationship. By the way, do doctors usually compliment you, saying that you have a beautiful smile? Do they ask you where you're from? I can't really tell if he was flirting, or had really good bedside manner....I digress...The point is that I realized that I'm wanting to get out there to meet new people; however, I'd feel like I was cheating if I didn't tell my BF.

I really need some advice. I'm finding myself interested in other men; I don't have the nerve to date other people behind his back because I'm not the kind of person to be untrue. At the same time, I'm afraid to end it because, honestly, I don't want to regret it if I do. I want passion; I want a relationship that starts out on the RIGHT foot, with no deception, no surprises. I feel like me and this guy were doomed from the start; however, I feel like I should maybe try to hang in there. He tells me he loves me, and I know that I don't love him, but say, "I love you too!" Please help me, someone. Any reply would be appreciated, even if it's to say, "you're a fool!"




Edited 3/29/2006 1:06 pm ET by mali2579
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:30am

I'm confused too...I don't understand why you don't just END this relationship since it doesn't seem to be making you happy at all! What is it, exactly, that you will REGRET?

Can you make a list of what the GOOD things about the relationship are, other than the fact that you're not completely alone?

Re the doctor: he would be violating ethical rules if he really was flirting with you.

But that's really neither here nor there: you really need to pinpoint why you are still with the LD guy. Is he still married, btw?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 7:29am

Hello, and thank you for your reply.
He said that divorce is final. Basically, I think that I'm settling. What I'll regret is the fact that yet another relationship has failed. My relationships tend to be very short lived. I guess I'm choosing the wrong guys.
Honestly, even if I could make a list of good things about him, they would probably be dwarfed in comparison to what I've already said. I guess I'm trying to make it work.

Thank you for the reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:08pm

So basically this guy lied to you from the beginning, cheated on his wife (maybe is still, who knows), and basically bores you. Honey, this relationship has already failed breaking up with him can only improve your life. Who cares how many failed relationships you have had with guys who are no good for you. Be glad they failed and before you get into something new- have a long talk with yourself about what you are looking for in a boyfriend. I'll bet that liars and cheaters aren't very high on your list.

Doctors who flirt with their patients are unethical and a lawsuit waiting to happen. Stay away. But yes, if he said you had a beautiful smile he was flirting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 2:41pm

If he says his divorce is final, and you actually want to continue this relationship, then ... you can verify that thru a background check on the Internet. Is it worth $50 - $100 to find out whether or not he's still lying?

And, I say STILL lying because ... he lied about being married, which surely means he was lying to his wife about you ... while he was continuing to see you. Obviously, she found out about you since she called you. And no, I wouldn't believe that there was "nothing going on with them" ... they were married. He can/could tell you whatever he wants you to hear. As well, she wouldn't have taken the time to call you if they weren't still involved and married.

Of course, he said that she's "an evil wretch who doesn't want to see him happy; that's why she called me. " ... if you believe that one, I have a bridge to sell you.

Hon, of course he's going to say she doesn't want him to be happy, etc. If she paints a "less than" picture of her to you ... you gain sympathy for him, which keeps you hooked into the affair.

Is a guy who disparages his wife, ex-wife, whatever she is ... attractive to you? (if so, why is that an attractive quality in someone?? I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who would name call that way ... shows NO class).

Fact is: you know that he's a liar because he wasn't UP FRONT with you about being married. That's a given.

He's lied to you before, he's lied to her (because people who cheat have to lie ... that's how they get away with it).

Ok, but let's say that's all water under the bridge and he is now divorced. Fact still remains that he mislead you about his status (that he wasn't divorced) ... and he wasn't even honest with you about it ... you had to hear it from her. That, alone, would lead me to believe that he wasn't seperated or divorced. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just TELL YOU!

Bottom line, he doesn't sound like a man who has much honor or integrity.

If you're tired of getting involved with, choosing the WRONG GUYS ... then, learn to see the signs for what they are. Meaning, you should have dumped him the day the wife called.

Sorry, but ... you would have been spared a lot of heartache if you had seen that for what it was ... that alone should have told you "this guy is a liar" and you should have walked.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:42am
Hey! Um personally I think you are being played like a fiddle. Im sorry but personally if I were you I would not try to keep the relationship alive. Oh yeah I almost forgot, please dont ever sleep with someone you barely know! (if u didnt know he had a wife what else does he have dont u know about?) Lets be smart people!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:37pm

<< Um personally I think you are being played like a fiddle. Im sorry but personally if I were you I would not try to keep the relationship alive. Oh yeah I almost forgot, please dont ever sleep with someone you barely know! >>

Huh? What are you talking about? I think you meant to direct this to someone else. A previous poster. If you're new to the boards, please be mindful of responding to the person/subject at hand at which you're replying, rather than just whomever was the last responder. Thanks.