I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am |
I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.
One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

Pages
IMHO I think it is perfectly normal and reasonable that some take longer to fall than others....especially those who have been hurt.
Let's face it, in stating your ages, think of your younger days. We were fearless and weren't afraid to fall in love, get hurt, take a chance...whatever. But as we get older and hurt happens, and then happens again, it takes a little longer to get past that hurt to open up again. And I can not tell you how many times I have heard in the past year alone from my male friends, from reading articles, etc. that it takes men much longer to fall in love and that much longer to get over the hurt. We, as women, are emotional creatures and do tend to fall faster. Take heart, it's only been two months and he is showing signs of real healing which is what you want. You want someone who healed naturally and healthily and didn't just jump right in to 'I love you' because in time you'd be wondering if he was really in love or just afraid of being alone.
Now, if in a year, he's displaying all these signs and still no 'I love you' then I'd worry.
Take this from a 34 year old woman who's had her share of hurt and is not quite anxious to fall in love.....(although my current guy is surely giving me a run for my money) :O). So if as women we can take time to get over our hurt, imagine what he's going through.
It doesn't sound like you have much to worry about. Just take your time, continue to build a friendship based on trust because that's what he needs to fall completely and what you need to know that you have a relationship that's worth your life time....if that's what you'd like with this guy.
Hope that helps...just another way to look at it...
Two months is an *extremely* short period of time to be dating. I personally don't believe you can love someone until you know them quite well, and that takes a heck of a lot longer than 2 months!
So, yes, it's completely normal that someone would take more than 2 months to fall in love! In fact, I'd say it's more healthy that he's not there yet.
Sheri
Thanks guys
I appreciate your feedback. Do you think however that I 'screwed up' by telling him I was falling in love with him? He keeps calling me, but I don't know if I'm being paranoid but I don't feel things are exactly the same. Could be because this week he is working 3 nights so I haven't seen him since I opened my big mouth.. or maybe he is not sure how to deal with me? He usually calls me 'baby' & stuff like that, or sends kisses when we chat on MSN Messenger, but has not done any of those things yet. I opened my big mouth 2 days ago.
I'm so afraid that he still has feelings for his ex, however he hasn't been with her that long (6 months I think), and if he's not the kind to fall in love quickly, why can't he get over her, could it just be the rejection?
Have I screwed up or should I just relax..
First, it's never wrong to express yourself, however, knowing he had issues and telling him 2 months into it, may have been putting the cart before the horse.
He's probably freaking out, feeling like he should make a decision soon, so as not to lead you on, or even just feeling a bit uncomfy because of how you feel, knowing he doen'st feel the same.
I'd suggest you just go on your norm, do NOT make a big deal out of this, don't tell him he's acting weird, and don't say you're falling for him again. Not until he tells you otherwise. Give him some space and time to adjust.
AS for the X. Do NOT ASSUME ANYTHIGN!! Because once you start playing that game, you've become out of control. You know NOTHING of how he feels so don't start assuming you know, or guessing what is going on. It only makes things worse. If you honestly are doubting him, ASK HIM what is going on, and take his word for what it's worth.
hugs. i know it's not easy to not think and assume, but the more thinking you do, the worst it's going to be fore you and you'll be posting here everyday asking us, "what is he thinking" whenin reality, he's probably not thinking anything. lol
remmeber, men are MUCH simpler than us. he told you what he felt. that's how he felt. with most men, you dont need to read btwn the lines, cuz they say what they mean. most, but not all. just relax. it's been 2 months, don't ruin it with too much over thinking, assuming, and making big assumptions, you actually have no facts to back yourself up with.
hugs. be strong, stay sane, stop thikning and assuming
~pineapple_girl
I wouldn't worry about having said something...what's done is done. You expressed how you felt, and if he can't handle that, then the two of you aren't right for each other.
Sheri
Thanks so much for your feedback.
Yeah OK I'll try not to think or analyze too much. He told me at one point that I assume too much ha ha. So maybe I should stop assuming and trying to figure him out. He has been straight forward and told me that it doesn't mean he does not care for me. He also said that he's getting better and better, and the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me.
I don't think that he cannot handle it, maybe however he needs to digest this info, I dunno. I might be in a better position to see if things are still the same once we are together again. I will not even ask him when will I see him next, I know he's off work the next 3 days (fri, sat & sun) but tomorrow he wants to visit with his son, so I'll let him come to me when he feels like it.
thanks again, and if anyone else has comments I'll take them all.. tks
"I don't think that he cannot handle it, maybe however he needs to digest this info, I dunno. "
You're thinking and assuming again.... =P
Im just teasing you. I've been in his place before, and let me tell you, it's uncomfortable, konwing the person you haven't fallen for (yet), has fallen for you. So, yeah, just give him some time. I wouldn't say, don;t contact him and wait for him, i would try to act normally.
the more weird you act, the more weird he'll act. so if you normally call him, then call. dno't feel scared. and i dont' think you need to "wait" for him to "digest" anything and wait for his call. Just call, say hi, see how he's doing, ask him about his plans, etc. normal talk.
he'll feel weird, but once he realizes YOU can act normal and NOT dwell on what you said and what he DIDN'T say, the easier it'll be on him to adjust, and move forth, and come into his love for you, on his own timetable.
if you act strange, he'll feel it, and it'll just make him feel weird about the r'ship.
hugs. you're doing good. :)
~pineapple_girl
Thanks Pineapple girl,
Your words are very soothing. I appreciate your feedback and everyone who responded to my thread.
I'm just worried that if he's not in love yet, what are the chances that maybe he never will be? I'm just speaking for myself, but I can usually feel it early on whether I love someone or not, and when I don't I usually know quite fast too. So it makes me wonder if he's not in love yet, is that a bad sign. Maybe I'm too anxious. I know in all other areas, he seems a lot more laid back than I am. My ex-husband always said I had a clock in my rear-end.. everything has to happen right away ha ha.
But he does tell me that the more he sees me and spends time with me, the more he likes me. Hmm.
I've read what the other posters have said and they've given you great advice so I wont add to it but I will share a little of my story with you that might reassure you.
I started dating my fiance Feb 2004. When I went to visit my grandparents for Easter I came back and when I went to see him at one point I could just tell he was about to say soemthing and then wouldn't tell me what it was. We'd only been dating for a couple of months so I didn't push but I just knew in that moment that he wanted to say he loved me but thought it was too soon or got scared.
I had sensed that he loved me even before then, but I was 32 and he was 31 and we had both been there done that and were a little jaded and a little hesitant. Both of us felt that you couldn't really KNOW a person that fast, we had even talked about just that. I think I was even more hesitent and jaded then he was.
Well, toward the end of April I just couldn't hold back any longer and I said it. I was terrified and nervous. He didn't say it back. As a mater of fact he didn't really repsond to it. He might have said, "Thank you" or something equally uncomforting. For the next three days I was on pins and needles but tried to hide it, which apparently I did pretty successfully.
That third night we were on the phone and he finally out of the blue just said, "I love you so much." I'm sure you can relate to how releived I was. Not just becasue he finally said it but because I KNEW he meant it. I knew before he loved me, I don't think I could have stayed sane those three days any other way, but it was nice to hear him say it FINALLY.
He started "when" we get married and always talking in terms of "we" and "our" future shortly after and we moved in together in June. This past February we set a date. We'll be married Oct 2nd this year.
I know it's tough, but hang in there and give him the time he needs to be ready to say it. I'm sure you probably already know how he feels about you. Try to stay focused on that it'll make the wait easier.
Just because he hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Do YOU think he loves you? Have the friends you've introduced him to siad things to you like, "Wow, he is REALLY into you." or "I wish a guy would look at me like that."
Just becasue he isn't ready to say it, just because he thinks it's too soon logically and is telling himself he can't be in love this quickly doesn't mean he isn't.
I told myself I couldn't be in love after just 8-10 weeks, but I was. I had to let go of all the rules and preconcieved ideas I had and break a few of my own rules to say it but I finally did.
Listen to your instincts instead of trying to "figure it out". Do you FEEL loved? Do your instincts tell you that he's in love too?
Hang in there, I know it's hard. I know it's scary and that the last thing you want is to add romantic fool to your resume, but if he was worth saying it too and you feel that he loves you too, try to be patient a little longer.
Like Sheri said 2 months isn't very long, don't panic just yet. Trust yourself.
Pages