I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
62
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am

I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.

One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

Thanks Nick,

Your story was inspiring. However my story is a bit different in that he says he has been extremely hurt, having been 'dumped' twice in a year, and says he does not want to go through that again for a long, long time. But to me you can't help how you feel, even if you decide you don't want to repeat a mistake, emotions are either there or they aren't.

I'm just afraid he might still have feelings for his ex. They broke up and he says she wasn't willing to accept his son so that is a no-go, but I'm still a bit scared. He wasn't with her that long though. Could just be that he is not handling the double-rejection very well.

I don't know if he loves me, but before I opened my big mouth, I had a feeling he did. When I was away for a week, he was counting the hours for my return. He insisted in picking me up at the airport, said he missed me, and was excited to come to the airport, etc. He calls me everyday, when he is not WITH me everyday. He has introduced me to his son, and most of his best friends.

At one point, he asked me 'so are your beginning to like me a bit more?' which lead me to believe that maybe he had strong feelings for me and wanted to see if I did too. When I responded that I did, he said.. me too. He is planning on coming over tonight, I have not seen him since Tuesday as he has been working all three nights.

Yes it is very scary, I feel very attached to this man. And at the beginning, when he was even more 'on the fence', I had told him that he was free to go, and that I wasn't gonna be a doormat, and to give me a sign if and when he decided he really wanted to be with me. He came around after that and never stopped coming.. so even when he had an easy way out, he never took it.

Man now if only the rain could let up, that contributes to my anxiety and down feelings .. ha ha.. it's been raining and gray forever here in New Brunswick, Canada.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004

Hi Rapunzle.
i'm in Toronto, and I think we'll be having a dose of your NB rain this weekend :(
My ex (not the guy I just stopped seeing and posted on these boards about, but the one before) took forever to say he loved me. I told him first, after a year of dating - and he said "THANK YOU". I was totally freaked out. I never said it again - for months. I was so torn between leaving to keep myself from being hurt, just in case he NEVER fell for me, and staying and giving him a chance - he was so absorbed with other things. Months passed.. and I mean many months - 8. I was at my wits end! Finally one day I cancelled a lunch date with him, I didn't think I could handle seeing him when I was so upset. WHile cancelling on the phone with him, he said, why don't you want to see me? This was totally new for him - me being unavailable. Suddenly he said "you know I love you - I realize I've been so stupid about this whole thing, I do love you". It took a long time for me to believe this "declaration under duress". In the end he did really love me and wanted to marry me.
(i broke up with him several months later because he couldn't learn to include me in his life, he always acted as though there was something more important to him... something he now regrets).

2 months is very short. Give him and yourself some time to know eachother better. Make sure it is the man you are falling in love with - not the man you think you want him to be, or the possibilities of the relationship you think you could have.

Email me if you want - I know your situation all too well. You can email me by clicking on my profile name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005

I think you're being anxious. I wouldnt' say over-reacting, but getting close.

Look, I was the type to always fall in love fast and hard, or know when I'm not in love. But after my second divorce, I was sooo VERY EXTREMELY scared to love anyone ever again. So, when I met bf, there were no sparks, nothing. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to date him, but he made me laugh and smile every day (and has since, 3 years later), and so I gave it a shot. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't allow myself to fall fast. It took me almost 9 months to fall in love. And it took me another 3 months to be able to openly express it and totally feel it. Basically, I was holding back, and making sure my head LED my heart, not the other way around.

Lastly, one BIG thing I learned, which I think will help you immensely, is this simple statement of fact: People do NOT react and act like you. They do not live life as you do, therefore, don't expect them to feel as you do, do as you do, hear as you do, LIVE as you do.

So, just because YOU know how you feel, regardless if it's in love or not, does NOT mean for one second HE nor anyone for that matter, is the same as you. The more I realize how different people are, and how differently they see the world, the easier it is for me to adjust and accept ppl, and to NOT overthink, want now, assume, overreact, etc.

I hope you seriously think about what I just wrote. Because I hate to say it, but people like you, are the type that push away good men, because you're in a rush, or you NEED him to feel EXACTLY like you do NOW NOW NOW. Instead of giving a person time to come about their feelings on their own terms, in their own way, and allow their feelings to grow as needed. For all you know, bf could love you MORE than you love him. But isnt' ready to say it, nor to feel it. BTW, I was just like that person I just said you are, so don't take it like I'm saying you're something I've never experienced nor lived.

Hugs.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

Well, for whatever it's worth. I was the one who felt like your guy not my fiance. I amy have gotten over it and said it first anyway, but I was very much afraid of being in love again. I hadn't yet learned to trust myself after having gone through an abusive relationship and I kept looking for trouble where there wasn't any and even pulling away at times.

I think I was able to get over it because my fiance was so understanding about it and didn't push me. He showed me how he felt and let me take the lead. I think his hesitation was mostly because he didn't expect me to come around as quickly as I did and it surprised him and he had to make sure he was certain before he would say it back.

I know it's tough but you're right the signs are all there. You've led the way. Give him time to catch up. Try keep the pressure off him. After all you want him to say it because he means it not because you guilted him into saying it. It would suck to spend your life wondering if he only said it to make you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

Thanks guys,

I get it. I had already decided that it has been a huge mistake for me to even tell him that. So you think I'm gonna keep pushing? I dont think so.

But I'm still freakin' out.. he hasn't called me baby or honey or told me he missed me since the 'incident'. We just finished chatting on MSN, and he is picking up his son this afternoon, I told him to make sure to say hi to Zach for me, and that I miss them both.. he just reponded - I sure will.. take care.. no 'I miss you too' or kisses, or anything :(

I'm so afraid I have screwed up everything now he is taking a step back.. is this normal? And no I won't keep pushing or checking the pusle of the relationship anymore, I have learned my lesson well. In fact I wish I could turn back time. Hindsight 2020, if I'd known what I know now, you can be certain I never would have said a word. But I was so under the impression he was just waiting for me to tell him..

Oh well. Thanks for your support and your comments, I read them avidly and take them to heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005

I think yo'ure doing great. Considering what toture this is. :)

I wouldn't read into his backing off just yuet. How long has it been since "the incident"? a few days? a few weeks? If ti's been a week or so, give it more time. he needs to come to terms with how HE feels about YOUR feelings. It's not something you just pretend about. I know it took me awhile to adjust when I had a guy tell me he loved me and I wasn't even in love with him. And yes, I had to hurt him and tell him I just wanted to be friends. Needless to say, our friendship changed for awhile. It took a few months to get back to normal (that's more extreme than your situation, so I would assume it shouldn't take that long).

Hugs. be strong. don't think. seriously, don't think. and DO NOT read into anhthing. NOT YET.

(sorry for the typos, i'm too lazy to go and fix them)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

First, I don't think it was a mistake at all for you to tell him how you felt. It was brave and smart and took a great deal of courage. You should actually be very proud of yourself.

Second, little tip about guys, as they become more secure in the raltionship they begin to demonstarte their love and affection in different ways. To most women it seems to be LESS but to a amn it's actually more. As he becomes more comfortable a guy will begin to ASSUME you know how he feels about you without him having to tell you as often. He'll begin to offer to do little care-taking type things. Like get the oil changed in your car or ask if you've checked your tire pressure lately or maybe fix something in your home. He'll begin to talk about the future in terms of "when we" or "maybe we should".

It's subtle changes but they mean a lot.

Before we were engaged and planning a wedding my fiance used to call me pet names too, which he doesn't do much any more. We used to hold hands a little more and he used to keep his arm around me more at get togethers. But as he's beocme more secure he assumes so have I and thta I don't need those reassurances as often. Which I've discovered is actuallly kinda true, now that I've stop keeping track of it.

Stop trying to read between the lines and analyze every little behavior. Pay attention to the BIG picture and stop getting lost in the details. Just keep being yourself and keep demonstrating how you feel, let him know how much you care and support him and understand that he needs more time.

You're probably making mountains out of mole hills.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005

"Before we were engaged and planning a wedding my fiance used to call me pet names too, which he doesn't do much any more. We used to hold hands a little more and he used to keep his arm around me more at get togethers. But as he's beocme more secure he assumes so have I and thta I don't need those reassurances as often. Which I've discovered is actuallly kinda true, now that I've stop keeping track of it."

I have to say, this is one thing I love about my guy. NOTHING has changed. :) The MORE comfy he gets with me, the more comfy our r'ship is, the more he's mushy. He always wants to hold my hand, always has. HE still loves touching me and holding me constantly, and he still calls me pet names all the time :)

So, I woudln't say that men get comfy and stop doing things. In my life, my guys would get comfy, but they'd always keep up the "small thigns"....well, most of the good ones that I've had, since many were bleah.

BTW, I don't think pet names, holding hands, touching, holding, is a sign of needing reassurance. I surely don't touch my man because I think he needs reassurance that he's loved, or that I'm loved. I do it cuz I just love being near him, but in a non-sexual way. I love just touching him slightly and he does the same to me. I know he loves me. I don't need any reassurance there, and I don't ever feel "reassured" when he holds my hand, puts his hand on the small of my back, or touches me. I just feel happy he's the type to do those things and never stop. I want to be the couple that is holding hands, even when they're 80, just like we did when we were 30. It never stopped, and never will.

I'm curious, why do you think it's "natural" to stop those things? I am not saying it's NEEDED forever, but when it's something both parties have always done, and always do, it's nice to know those little thigns don't go away.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

You are all probably so right.

It happened on Tuesday, so it is pretty recent, and we have not seen each other face to face yet. Hopefully that'll help the closeness get back to normal. You see we are very physically attracted to each other, and pardon my bluntness, but he is very sexual, and we get along great in that department. Maybe that is where I can get him back into the swing of things ;). Some call it the 'power of the fur' although now a days the 'fur' has to go ha ha. Again sorry for being blunt, but a little humor never hurt anyone.

And they say that sex is a good way to help a man get these loving feelings, that is how to get close to a woman. I have read that in many places anyway. So we'll see.

He mentioned he wanted to go golfing tomorrow (Saturday) and I encouraged him to go. So I don't want to appear possessive or clingy. Want him to come see me when he feels like it, no pressure from me.

And thanks for giving me credit for telling him how I feel. The way he responded to that also was that he respected it. But see I've always been the independent type, so this was so new for me, and it was like a huge cold shower. To be honest, I have not been feeling too well since it happened, I feel like I'm going through a heartbreak, even if we are not broken up. Does that make sense? I can't eat, feel like crap, and just feel like sleeping all the time. Can't focus at work.. etc. I was just reading some of his recent emails while I was away mid-may, stuff like, and I quote: " It was nice to wake you up this morning,not the way I usually do,haha,that will be next Wednesday AM!!!! It was also nice to hear your voice,I miss you you know,cannot wait to see you this coming Tuesday" and "bought a few groceries,not as fun as eating with you,i miss you baby,was glad to get your email this morning,I am also glad your sis approves of me .I am hoping to get to football practice this evening,I also will tape "Survivor" & we can watch it when you get home,other more important things first though!!!! Take care & we will talk soon. Gregxox "

That was just to tell you how things were, and I would love for this to return. That was just not even two weeks ago. Can my 'declaration' really change the way he feels about me?

I know I sound so insecure, and I apologize, but this is new to me. And your feedback is very, very important to me. You are giving me hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005

"And they say that sex is a good way to help a man get these loving feelings, that is how to get close to a woman. I have read that in many places anyway. So we'll see."

I would love to see where you're reading that, because I can say in my experience that is so far from the truth, it's borderline funny. Men don't typically feel "close" or "emotional" during sex. I'm not saying all or whatevers, but most times, the way to a man's heart, is not thru his zipper. WOMEN on the otherhand feel closer, more intimate when they have sex. Most men do not.

Hugs. you're handling this very maturely and well. I still think you should tell him you'd like to see him. I mean, what if he's sitting over there saying, "why is she backing off now, maybe she changed her mind". Heck, at least tell him you miss him or can't wait to see him again. that's not threatening, and it's also, just being yourself like you were before.

It's good you allowed him his space, but remember, don't back off completely. show him you still are interested in him.

You are being insecure, but it's okay, it's totally understandable. you risked your heart, and was just told he's not there yet.

~pineapple_girl

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