I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
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| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am |
I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.
One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

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I gotta agree with Pineapple girl. I have never heard of sex brining you closer to a man. NOW, once you ARE close I think it's the glue that holds everything together, but it's DEFINITELY not the way to win a man's heart.
HOWEVER, given the fact that he seems to, at the VERY least, like you a tremednous amount I would go with your plan. One of the things a lot of women don't seem to GET about men is when they love you sex reassures them that you love them and that everything is alright in the relationship and personally I think that's a great message to send your guy.
It'll reassure him that he doesn't have to pull away from you just because he's not ready to say I love you yet.
I can totally relate to the feeligns of breaking up even though you're not brekaing up, but understand you're really doing that to yoourself by focusing so much of your mental energy to worrying that that is what is going to happen. Try to distract yourself when you start having negative thoughts. And remind yourself that even if things don't work out the right guy is out there for you if your just brave enough to keep trying. You've made it through breakups and heart aches before and sure they suck, but you live and you learn and the heart heals.
I really don't hink you have to worry about that though. Not that this is worth much given thta I only know you thorugh a message board, but I have a good feeling about it.
Stay strong and have a great weekend.
I am so glad to be hearing from you guys.
Yes pineapple girl, I have told him to say hi to his son for me, and that I miss them both 'him and his son', to which he responded 'sure will, take care'. Hmm.
I did read on many places, that a man feels closer to a woman through sex, when in fact, there is something going on other than sex I should add. Like you said Nick, that's how they feel loved, and it strenghtens the connection. That's why a lot of experts put emphasis on the importance of sex in a healthy relationship, they say it's the glue that keeps couples together. That must mean something. I mean, just talking for myself, if I wasn't attracted physically to a guy, I don't even think I could have a relationship with him.
I appreciate your words of encouragement. It helps me put things in perspective here. I think if a few days can go by so that this incident can sort of fade away, then maybe I can redeem myself ;).
There's nothing to redeem, you haven't done anything wrong and if he's a good guy he REALLY appreciates the fact you were open with him and trusted him enough to share your feelings.
Guys aren't great at communicting in a relationship, at least, he's an honest guy who isn't lying just beacsue he thinks it what you wnat to hear (man I hate when they do that). :)
Repeat after me, "I have done nothing wrong. I did not make a mistake. I openly and honestly expressed myself and that is a GOOD thing. I will have no regrets because I was true to myself." :)
Thanks nick
I'll try to remember that. I am so paranoid that it is making hard. Like I said, he seems different, or maybe I'm so paranoid that I think he is different. Aaaargh!! I just sent him an email as if everything was normal, telling him I'm looking forward to seeing him, asking him if we're still on for tonight, but to let me know if he is too tired after his long week, etc. I'll take it from there.
But yeah, you're right, I know I didn't do anything wrong per se, he might just be afraid now to lead me on and may back off a little just so as not to give me false hopes. I'll have to wait and see I guess.
I need to get some sleep, I'm getting too wound up about this.
Getting some rest is a good plan.
And I don't know how reassuring this really is, but a lot of it or at least a lot of how big of a deal this seems is simply you letting this consume your thoughts. I know I used to be an expert at it. It takes time but you can learn to go with the flow more and worry less.
When things start to seem overwhelming just remind yourself of all the things you've been through and gotten through and your fine now (more or less). Set backs are only temporary. You know how strong you are, remind yourself of that when negative thoughts swamp you. It's easy to just stay mired in it but remind yourself how tough you are then get up and do something that requires you to use language skills (reading, a crossword puzzle...)it'll make it harder for your brain to stay focused on the negative stuff for too long.
ITS ONLY BEEN 2 MONTHS!!!!!
RELAX
Thanks for your tips Nick
I know Sniffle Sally, but I kinda see him pulling back, (or what I see as pulling back) and it's freaking me out. Little things like kisses on MSN Messenger no longer there, stuff like that.
He went out Sat. PM & night, didn't hear from him until Sunday at 1:00, he came and joined me at brother's house for brunch, he seemed very happy to see me, for instance I greeted him at the door & gave him a kiss, and turned around to go up the stairs, and he grabbed me & pulled me to him to give me another one. He was really cuddly all afternoon.
Now today he dropped in my house at lunch, said he was coming over for bbq tonight, but he seems a little colder. I just asked him on MSN if he had intention of coming over tonight or did he feel pressured into coming, and he told me 'again' that I read too much into things. To which I responded 'men are from mars, women are from venus', and he just said 'right, later' (going to the gym). Hmm.
I just wish I could be less insecure & not let things bother & worry me, but I have just been through a separation a year ago, where after 13 years my husband just left me for another woman. I think that does not help.
I wish I knew how to relax & stop obsessing over my current boyfriend. :(
Yeah and my husband left me for another woman too we all have baggage.
Your boyfriend seems very loving from what you described. Just because he's not cuddly, and kissing you every second isn't an indication he doesn't care.
I Guess you're right. If I can just get it through my thick head . I'm always looking for indications that he is into me, almost as if I'm afraid it's just a matter of time before he decides I'm not the one for him. You know that nagging feeling you get for no particular reason.
I make every effort possible to play it cool, and I think I manage pretty well, but inside it's another story.
I would so much love to know that he feels as strongly about me as I do about him, this way I might not have to worry as much.. oh well.
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