I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am |
I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.
One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

Pages
I agree with you. I guess I have to accept that not everybody thinks or feel the way I do. I usually know very early on whether I'm into someone, and of course we have a tendency to think that everybody is the same.
I guess what bothers me a little is I've been told by one of his friend's wife that he gets attached very quickly, so it makes me wonder. He tells me he was hurt very badly and admitted that he had a history of jumping too fast, so maybe that's why he is holding back, but how can a person 'decide' to not fall in love, it's either you do or you don't isn't it?
Just to put this out there as something to consider.
The harder you cling the more he'll pull back. Constantly "taking the temperature" of the realtionship is something that bothers guys. They see it as looking for trouble. Which by your own admission your doing.
I know it's hard, but instead of showing that your insecure by asking him if things are okay or by saying things like "Well, I don;t want to pressure you." or "Well, call me if you can." By trying to play cool, you're actually coming off as distintersted and insecure at the same time. You're sending mixed singles.
One minute, "Do you love me still is everything okay." and the next "Well, that's cool. Just come by if you can." Not literally, but you know what I mena the guy is probably REALLY confused.
Instead of letting him see your insecurity I'd recommend talkignt o him about it. Admit that your feeling insecure and acknowledge to him that you understand that it's something you need to deal with. Also acknowledge that SOME of the insecurity is probably just you working through your own baggage and you allowing youimagaination to run wild and looking for trouble where there isn't any. Tell him what he might be able to do to help, but be specific and avoid making general statements about things he "always" does or "never" does.
This worked for me, but you do have to be willing to to accept that a LOT of us do make trouble for ourselves by reading too much into things. Men don't think about everything they do the way women do. They just kind of coast along doing what comes naturally without thinking much about it as long as things go smoothly. So when he says that you're reading too much into something you probably are.
As to how can someone "decide" not to fall in love, well it 's easier then you imgaine. You just hold back, you don't let yourself become as emotionally invested, you remind yourself how fragile human relationships are and remind yourself of how easy it is to get hurt. The same way your doing right now, but instead of allowing to cause anxiety it as your doing you allow it to casue emotional distance.
It doesn't work indefinitely unless you remove yourself from the situation completely, but it allows you to hold back and maintain a clear head rather then leading with your heart and emotions.
Realistically, the best hope you have at this point is by being yourself, relaxing and trying to distract yourself from over-analyzing and just being open and honest with him. because honestly, right now I have a feeling you are confusing the living daylights out of him.
Hi Nick,
Thanks for your message. Your last statement made me smile : 'right now I have a feeling you are confusing the living daylights out of him.'
It sounds worse than it is, I don't act on most of my impulses or worries, so he does not have to 'deal' with most of them, which probably save him the confusion if you know what I mean. He knows I'm interested, it's pretty clear. The only times I 'play it cool', I don't do it in a manner that lets him think I'm not interested, but more in a manner that I don't want to smother him. I'm being careful about that. Plus everytime we talk I don't play games or anything i.e. being overly independent or cold, I remain happy to see / talk to him, but just try to be mindful of smothering him or pressuring him in any way. Does that make sense?
When you say the more you cling, the harder he'll pull back. I agree. That is why I try my best not to smother him, while still showing interest.
What you say makes sense, and I thank you for your feedback. I also agree with your statement that men coast along vs thinking about every little thing, they are not as complicated as us women for the most part I guess.
I really feel for you, rapunzele, because i am going through something very similar right now. I have been dating someone for 2 months now and i sometimes can't beleive how lucky i am to have him in my life. He has totally embraced me...He calls me all the time, tells me he misses me, spends all his free time with me, talks about me to all his friends, brings me flowers, he has even given me keys to his apartment. I am 28 and he is 35. We both admitted that things seem to be moving along at a quick pace but we aren't afraid of that because when it's right, it's right. We've booked a trip already for august where i will meet his father and his best friend, but something comes over me every now and then where i have these episodes where I am consumed by thoughts of "what if he doesn't fall for me the way i'm falling for him? What if he changes his mind?" If he doesn't initiate sex, i will think he's not as "into me" as i am him...In other words: I am becoming insecure because i am so afraid of getting hurt.
Things are great between us and now I am complicating things - possibly sabotaging a wonderful thing. I haven't told him i love him, although i feel it...so i know it is possible to have those feelings for someone after a short period.
I can't remember who gave you this advice on this forum but someone said that you should really just come out and admit to your insecurities and take ownership for them. Don't point fingers at him. You have to remember that, so far, he hasn't done anything wrong. Neither did you, actually, because how you feel is never wrong.
With my guy - it went like this: We had a good talk about why i was reacting the way i was. I knew that by admitting to my insecurities that i might be risking him being turned off, but i also realized that i am who i am, insecurities and all and i think the key to a healthy and loving relationship is honesty and trust. Hiding parts of you that might not be as perfect as you might like isn't the answer. Pretending to play it cool and acting like you aren't affected by you declaration of love that wasnt' reciprocated isn't the answer. I know because after years and years of failed relationships, i realized that i did it every time (always "played it cool" and hid my insecurities out of fear of rejection - when you pretend at anything, it's always gonna catch up with you).
I'm not claiming to have the perfect man and i can't predict the future but my guy and i talked openly about why i reacted the way i did a few times (feeling rejected for no reason and reading into his being a little quieter than usual, and worryign too much that he might not feel the same way as i do). I was mortified by my own behaviour. I was totally embaressed but i was able to admit that it was me over-analyzing and somewhat making mountains outta molehills...the fact that i was strong enough to acknowledge these things and that i am committed towards working on this area really impressed him. He told me that knowing i have some insecurities doesnt' change the way he feels about me at all (that everyone has them)...and that he doesnt' think i have gone and complicated things because I WAS OPEN AND HONEST with him and was able to communicate with him. He told me that if i had kept those feelings to myself, he thinks he eventually would have caught on because stuff like that eats away at a person and THAT is when things become complicated (guessing games, playing games). He said he just wants me to be happy and to stop worrying about things. He told me to have faith in the fact that he sees the big picture and recognizes that my positive traits outweigh these weaker ones and that this is just a bump in the road that we'll get through.
I can't say that all men would react the same as mine would but you might want to take a different approah and just say "look. I've taken some time to think about things,,,and you are right...i DO have a tendency to overthink things at times when i am feeling a little insecure and what happened last week (me saying i love you) made me feel a bit vulnerable. I know that by admiting to you that i have these insecurities, we can avoid a lot of complications and overthinking on my end, and guessing games. You need to know who i am - the good and the bad. This is who i am and while i want to work towards feeling more self assured, i can't go on pretending that i dont' worry about things with us. I may have jumped the gun by telling you how i feel sooner than you were prepared to hear it but at the same token, it's how i feel. I don't expect you to feel exactly what i feel at the exact same time, either. If things are meant to turn out for us, they will, whether i said the 'L' word prematurely or not - whether i have some insecutiries or not, and that is the bottom line."
It's just my 2 cents - or 20! hahah. But that's the best advice i can give.
Thanks Bollabing.
I really appreciate your 2c. However I don't think I'm ready to re-open this can of worms and tell him about my insecurities just yet. I'm afraid that might just turn him off even more. Maybe I'll wait a bit and see what happens.. maybe if the timing is right I can let him know, but right now I'm way too afraid.
But I will keep your 'script' handy as it is very well said. If he brings up something then maybe I can tell him all that. In the meantime, I'll just work on taking a step back and not smothering him as much. We'll see how that goes.
Here is something my g/f said to me the other day that made a lot of sense:
Dont worry so much if you make him happy.
Focus on if he makes YOU happy.
And just remember...if he's perceptive, he probably knows you are feeling the aftermath of him not reciprocating the L word and what might be turning him off is the fact that you are pretending that you aren't. Hey - you might even want to make a light hearted joke about it to ease the tension..Good luck with it all, rapunzele!
Having feelings for someone is a scary thing. I was completely TERRIFIED the day I told my bf that I loved him.
The only thing about fear is you can't let it control you and stop you from being happy or from doing what you believe is right or best for you.
Yes I was terrified, but I didn't let it stop me. I was also really scared when I explained to him why I kind of flipped out over a female friend of his redecorating his bathroom for his birthday. Admitting that I was insecure and admitting that I felt like I liked him a little more then I should was very scary. I felt REALLY vulnerable.
The thing is him NOT knowing how I felt didn't REALLY make me any less vulnerable OR protect me from being hurt if he didn't return my feelings. Whether I told him I cared or not, whether he knew I was insecure or not, it was going to SUCK if he didn't like me as much as I liked him.
Once I accepted that, I told him lots of things about why I was the way I was. I even asked for his support in getting over those things, which he was completely great about.
The bottom line is giving him the information he needs to see you as a whole person, telling him what he needs to know so he can try to understand ISN'T going to change how YOU feel, but it might change how HE feels. The downside of that is of course, it may not work in your favor. The upside is you will have a) conquered your fear regardless of how it turns out (and you can't love truly nad deeply without corage) and b) it MAY turn out VERY much in your favor and c) you'll at least KNOW that whether he returns your feelings or not he's making a decision with ALL the information, accurate information. Isn't it better to know he either loves you for who you are (not who you are acting like) or he doesn't.
Wouldn't it suck royally to have to continue pretending to be someone you aren't, continue to hide your feelings and try to play a role just so you can keep some guy who only cares for you becasue of who and what you're pretending to be. How exausting?
Sure he has a past, and sure he might be a little hesitant, but DON't make excuses for him or for yourself. Be true to yourself and if he isn't ready for that then, sweety, he's not the right guy or if he is the right guy he's the right guy at the wrong time. Either way if you can't be yourself and express yourself you've got nothing. What for the right guy at the right time instead of trying to cram a square peg into a round hole.
Be who you are and don't let fear stop you from being true to that. Either he fits or he doesn't. There's a guy out there who will fit. You can waste months playing a game and pretending to be someone you aren't who feels less then you do to please a guy who may or may not be right for you OR you can dig down find your courage, be true to yourself and find out if he loves you for you and if he doesn't you can stop wasting time on the wrong guy and go back to looking for the right one.
Nick:
I loved reading what you wrote....it seems to me that you really know where it's at and i can tell you have total peace of mind. I feel like I have been where rapunzle is and not quite where you are yet...I'm somewhere in between. I used to try to kind of steer relationships in certain directions, hoping that if i just made things as easy breezy for the guy as possible and kept things fairly low maintenance and pressure-free, and that as long as i wasn't smorthering, that things would last between the two of us. I think i was always hoping that "things would finally last with this one." I never stopped to realize that i was compromising who i was...and my own happiness, and really i was sabotaging my relationships by not being true to myself.
The part i just wasn't getting was that it's not about getting a relationship to last as long as you can without rocking the boat when we feel insecure or vulnberable. it's about finding out if this man in front of you is capable of accepting all of you, insecurities and all, because at the end of it all, if you have to go aroudn putting all your energy into playing a role, like you said, then he's just not the right one.
My sister used to tell me....the guys who bail on you the second you show vulnerability and emotion aren't right for you, anyway. You'll know when it's right because when it is, instead of bailing, he'll recognize your vulnerability and emotion as not a weakness but as a sign that you are passionate and loving and human.
I threw caution to the wind this time and decided to just be real finally and tell him how i was feeling and when he reacted the way he did, i thought of what my sister said.
He was amazing...He supports me and knows i'll figure it out. He even suggested i talk to someone. He knows i've been through some things in the past that have likely to contributed to me feeling like this at times and thinks it's just par for the course, but that he's not going anywhere.
The next step for me is to figure out how not to have these episodes of insecurity. It's almost like paranoia, which is strange, because i am actually a pretty stable girl most of the time, but every once in a while i read into things that i shouldn't (like him looking at me a certain way or not initiating sex often enough or him not being enthusiastic enough when he sees me) and i think maybe something is wrong. This has only happened 2 or 3 times and even though he was great about it, i want so much to try and get passed these issues. The weird part is that it isnt' constant. It's like something triggers it once and a while. Any advice, Nick?
Back to Rapunzele:
i think the bottom line is this: I know it's scary...It really is, but you have to remember that he's either right for you or he isn't, and if you can't show him all of you - if you feel like you are walking on eggshells with him, you may be wasting all this time on a man who might not ever be accepting of you and all you have to offer.
Meanwhile, the man who will embrace you for all that you are - even the side of you that thinks too much - might be just around the corner. You may miss out him if you spend too long sitting, waiting, wishing (great song, btw) that things will last with your current guy. And maybe things will last with your guy...but there will be a huge question mark until you take that chance and find out for yourself.
Like Nick says - In the big scheme of things you hiding your true feelings isn't going to change whether or not he returns your feelings. If he balks over you disclosing things that make you who you are then maybe he's not capable of going the distance with you. And he may surprise you...He may respect your honesty, and it might actually bring you closer. I felt a lot closer to my guy after i did what I felt was so scary by finally just lettin him in. (Keeping my inner thougths and feeling on the down-low, by the way, WAS exhausting and nerve wracking...plain old unhealthy. Is that love?) Every time we talk about things (which doesn't have to be constantly), i feel closer to him and i think that is really what true intimacy is all about. It's not just being close phyisically or about appeasing him by making sure not to talk about things he might not want to hear or making sure he doesn't feel smothered...It's about sharing and caring and trust and honesty and bright things like that. What about you? You said yourself you've been sick for days over it. What makes you think that your needs are any less important than his? I've been where you are...You're so intent on not losing him, that you are willing to do everything you need to do to avoid it, even at your own expense.
Please think about this, Rapunzele. You aren't defined by your relationship with this guy. You are more than that.
Pages