I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
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| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am |
I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.
One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

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Wow, it sounds like you've got it pretty darn together to me!
I think the hardest part for me was excepting that having it together, having peace and contentment isn't about having it all the time, it's more about accepting that you CAN'T have it all the time. No one can, well except maybe the Dali Lama and Mother Theresa.
I'm not secure all the time either there are times when I feel like I'm going to lose it and and go all suspicious, psycho girlfriend on my fiance. At those times I just try to remind myself that it's perfectly NORMAL to feel insecure even have crazy paranoid thoughts when I'm having a "moment" or at certain times of month. The important thing is that I've learned not to ACT on those feelings, at least not right away. I try to wait until the next day or until I feel less emotional about it. Then IF it's still bothering me I'll discuss it with him when I can be my most rational and I feel less insecure and am less likely to become overly defenesive.
He has this one female friend that I'm particularly sensitive about. Don't ask me why I can't shake it completely I just can't. But most of my crazy thoughts involve her. I KNOW he doesn't want to be with her, never has, but for some reason from time to time I just have these completely absurd notions like, "Oh, he's working an hour late, maybe it's so he can hang out with her."
Thoughts like that are nothing but fear and insecurity bubbling to the surface. There is no logic, rational basis for my fear and I know that. It's just me having a bad day. So, I try to treat it that way and ignore it until it goes away. I've also found that when I'm feeling insecure I crave physical contact with him, whether it a hug or snuggling on the sofa or sex. It reassures me of where is heart is and where he wants to be. Sometimes I even tell him, "I'm having a rough day. I need extra hugs."
It sounds silly and cheesy, but you know what it feels good. It makes me feel better. He certainly doesn't mind helping. So why shouldn't I just come right out and ask for what I need? And if that makes me cheesy or needy, oh well. If I can't be a little needy, and a major romantic cheese ball, around the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with who heck can I?
That's not to say everyone should be cheesy like me or that the hugging will work for everyone, but whatever it is that WILL reassure oyu and make you feel better you should ask for. If a guy loves you he'll fall all over himself trying to make you happy, not judge you or be upset with you for being honest and open about your feelings and what you need.
I hope that helps a little.
The big thing is really just learning to accept that "if you don't mind it doesn't matter" isn't just a saying it's great way to love. Stuff is going to happen, you can't be prepared for everything and you can't live life while hiding froming being hurt. You have to have courage to be happy, because being happy requires taking risks. As long as you know you can recover from anything then any of that stuff that happens is just a bump. Find a guy that feels that way too and your sure to be able to handle anything. Sure there will be tough times, but "attitude is everything," as they say.
i think it's possible to fall in love after only two months if you have spent a lot of time really getting to know each other. Dating a few times a week and not really getting to know all of a person makes it a little less likely, however.
I think we should never "expect" to hear it because everyone falls in love in different ways at different times and expecting another human being to mirror your feelings and actions is not realistic.
I think if my b/f doesn't say i love you, i won't panic, because you are right, actions speak louder than words...but has your b/f never said it once in 2.5 years? I guess in the big scheme of things, it's really just 3 little words...and if you've been together that long, it's pretty obvious that you're beyond the "like" phase - but while not mandatory, i think i would want to hear it once in a while.
Thanks everyone,
You are all very helpful. And I appreciate that you took the time to write long posts. I agree with you 100%. Thing is, he knows how I feel, I made it clear to him in terms of my feelings for him. I also told him however, that through internal dialogue I could get myself to a healthier state i.e. closer to where he is at right now. (get more grounded, gravitate more towards appreciating him and getting to know him & liking him versus being head over heels in love). And I think I'm getting there. I am trying not to obsess as much. And he seems to be getting back to where he was earlier.
In terms of my insecurities, all in good time. I strongly feel that he would not have a problem with it, however, one thing at a time. If it is too soon after two months to profess my love for him ;) - then I think it is also too soon to be having these deep conversations. In time I really feel that if the issue comes up, we will be able to discuss without anyone panicking or running away. He has shown much maturity so far and as stated by a few earlier, actions do speak louder than words.
He is still sticking around, very present, if he is not with me, he calls me everyday, etc. It seems he simply wants to take things slow, and I think that is a reasonable request. I feel better now. And now that I have sort of taken a step back, things seem to be improving again a little at a time. I don't make a big issue out of small stuff and try not to read into stuff as much, not because I'm afraid he can't accept who I am, but because I have to do this for me, I have lost my husband with my insecurities and possessiveness, so I have decided that I will do all I can to resolve these issues and not bring them into my next relationship. It has nothing to do with being afraid that he will run away if I tell him I have insecurities, but rather with the fact that I want to do this for me. As I said, if the issue happens to come up again, then yes I might admit that I am working on some insecurities, but so far things are going pretty well again, so I'll play it by ear.
And don't worry, I am not a doormat, he knows that too - I have made it clear to him at the beginning of our relationship. At that point after only a week or two, he expressed that he was not sure etc.. and I let him know that I was not gonna just sit and wait, and when he was ready to have a real relationship to give me a sign, when he could WALK the TALK. Anyway I told him more than that, but the message was clear that I was no doormat and didn't take well into being played like a yo-yo. He obviously got my message because he came around, did a 360 and has been walking the talk ever since. He probably gained more respect for me because of this.
Again I really appreciate your insight & advice, and believe me I take it all to heart. Things are starting to improve, and I am beginning to feel better as well. Taking a step back myself has brought me to a healthier state of mind, and seems to be working also in my favor with the way he responds. So hey - if it's working for both, I guess I'm on the right path! I have really decided that I DON'T want to smother the man in my next relationship, I really have to learn how to let them go and not be so possessive. I do want to change. I realize that a man needs to accept me as I am, but I don't like these things about me, so I want him to know the NEW ME.
Makes sense?
Nick
By the time I posted this last message, you had posted another one. Where you said that sometimes you go paranoid about something, and you'd rather wait a bit before you say anything knowing that it could just be that you're having a bad day, makes a lot of sense.
I feel that way too. That is why I don't want to blurt out to him stuff that I might regret, I'd rather wait and take a step back to see if maybe I'm just reading into things that aren't really there.
He knows that with me, 'what you see is what you get', I'm pretty open with him, oh and I already told him that I am also guarded because I have been hurt very badly by my husband, and that I'm afraid of getting hurt again, betrayed, etc. So I guess that takes care of the part where he should know the real 'me' with my insecurities and all, because I have already told him all of that in a way.
I just don't want us to focus on my issues, but would rather work on them so that I can have a healthier relationship with this man or whoever I end up with.
yup! that pretty much makes sense...I see where you are coming from, anyway....Been there, for sure. The only thing i would comment on is this:
"If it is too soon after two months to profess my love for him ;) - then I think it is also too soon to be having these deep conversations."
I think having deep conversations (not constantly, of course) is what contributes to the whole aspect of falling in love.
You go girl!! Good luck.
That makes a TON of sense. Just like a man should accept your insecurities he should also accept what you aren't ready to share.
The important thing is exactly what you said, it needs to be about you and on your terms. It sounds like you're working really hard to develop the inner self-esteem and courage to improve not just your realtionships but yourself and that's the best thing anyone can do for themselves. Self-knowledge is soooo critical to happiness.
It sounds like he's a good guy, one who is kind and understanding and supportive.
When you have those doubts and insecurities about his feelings go back and read your last post. It sounds like you've got good reason to feel good to me. Remind yourself of that when you feel down.
It works for me. I've lived with my fiance a year now and I still feel insecure from time to time, but I remind myself of all the reasons I shouldn't feel that way and that, that insecurity is just fear, which is normal, but I can't let it take over. Fear is usually not a logical feeling, so if you can think it through and be logical about it usually the fear (and the insecurity it brings on) will go away.
I responded before I read this to, but I'll add an extra BRAVO!!!
It sounds to me like you're being really smart about all of this, right down to taking what advice will work for you and your situation and disregarding the rest.
Good Luck, I hope he is the one.
I'm so glad i came across this forum because i honestly think we're on similar pages and this is great!! I love your perspective on things...your advice is great. I've mentioned my sister - i admire her very much and you seem to have similar view points as she does..Like how we have to stop focusing less on how to change and more on how to accept ourselves the way we are. You're right. I can't ALWAYS have peace and contentment. I AM going to feel a little crazy at times...and that's okay! hahah. He's not gonna run for the door just because of it. That's comforting to me.
Okay - so while we know we can't change who we are, we know there are ways to deal with it. Your advice to try and let it absorb before reacting to it is good...I just wish i wasn't so transparent. He sees it written all over my face and knows right away when it's happening.."Babydoll - what is it?", he'll say and he'll hug me right away because he knows. I guess it's like this: For MY sake, I have let him in on my inner turmoil so i don't feel alone or so hiding it from him doesn't add to my stress. For HIS, i have to try to deal with the inner turmoil differently - like chilling out and talking about it after when feeling more rational and less defensive.
Your attitude towards his female friend, i think, is pretty normal...A twinge of jealousy coupled with just the right amount of rational thinking and control isn't that out of the ordinary. The main thing is you deal with it the right way....While you can share with him your innermost feelings and insecurities, you know enough not to go pointing fingers every time you have a "paranoid thought." You're a smart girl, i think.
I dont' really like the idea of focusing on issues i've got when we should just be enjoying one another so i end up feeling guilty but he said it's the "good with the bad and that's what it's all about."
I definitely think i crave more physical contact when i'm feeling insecure about things..it's like searching for validation or something. You're right!! There shouldn't be anything wrong with us coming out and asking for what we need! As long as what we're asking for isn't elaborate and over the top, i think it's healthy. I told my guy last week in the midst of one of these moments that i know i was acting kinda needy and that it might be a turn off, but that i DO have needy moments and that they probably aren't gonna just disappear and that is part of who i am, and he kind of laughed and told me that it's NOT a turn off...and that, if anything, me THINKING that being human is a bad thing (feeling insecure and needy at times) would turn him off more.
Because he cares about me, he wants to know what he can do to help. That is his main concern....like you said...hugs work for you and your fiance is down with that - because he loves you like stink, right? :P
My b/f told me the same thing you said: Being happy means taking risks and if no one ever took risks, a lot of people would end up lonely! He admitted that he's been hurt too, and if he had decided to never take a risk again because of it, he'd be single forever! He told me he's not afraid because the possible positive outcome wouls so be worth the risk!! aweee...hahah...see i am a cheesy romantic too..that stuff makes me melt inside.
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