I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
I'm in love but he's not 'there yet' ..
62
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:53am

I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, I'm 36, he's 45. He has had 2 bad experiences in the last year and has been extremely hurt. He says he is still guarded because of this, and is still not 100%. However his actions are telling me otherwise.. I was away for a week and he missed me, was counting the hours, picked me up at the airport etc. Says the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me, he spends most of his free time with me, and if not with me, calls me regularly, (at least once a day but usually more), etc. He even told one of his best friends (the wife told me) that he thinks he's 'getting hooked'. However this week when I told him I think I'm falling in love with him, he says that he's not 'there yet', that he can't say those words yet, says he knows he will love again and be able to say these words again, but just not yet.

One one hand I tell myself that actions speak louder than words, and he is definitely showing interest. He told me some people fall in love faster than others, and he knows he cares about me and is lucky to have found me. He's even talking about future plans i.e. christmas etc. Should I be worried or is it normal that some people take longer to fall in love than others?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Also, in these last few posts you've explained that you HAVE disclosed more to him than I originally thought. For example, by admitting you feel guarded, etc...you are admitting to an insecurity right there...and he's still around, so that's a great sign!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

"For HIS, i have to try to deal with the inner turmoil differently - like chilling out and talking about it after when feeling more rational and less defensive."

You know there is nothing wrong with sayign your not ready to talk about it yet. thatw ay you don't have to try to mask what oyur feeling AND you don't have to talk about fears that may be completely irrational.

My finace will come home from a bad day and want to shower and go straight to a computer game to blow of steam. I just ask it there's anything I can do and if he says no I tell him if he wants to talk he knows where he cna find me and I leave him to the computer. He doens't wnat to take his bad mood out on me and I apprecaite that.

I try to do the same thing. During those inscure moments if he asks me whats wrong I'll just tell him, "I think I'm just in a mood. Just gimme a hug and go back to watching Monster Garage. I'm going to go organize a closet. If I need another hug I'll come get one. Cool?" Usually, buy the time I'm done cleaning the closet I've sorted my thoughts out and I'm fine again.

I know it's sick, cleaning the outside somehow helps me put order to what's on the inside. I don't get but it works and I'm not about to question the whys and wherefores as long as it works. :)

The only trick to the saying something is wrong but needing time to sort it out is making sure your partner understands it's just you getting your head straight not because you are upset with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005

sounds like a great idea...>See - this is new to me...actually being in a relationship that could potentially go somewhere, so i am not really clear on how to go about some things...it's funny, sort of, in a warped way. It sounds like you and your fiance have a very respectful relationship...giving space when needed and making sure the other person knows when a bad mood shouldn't be taken as discontentment with the other person.

You've helped a lot, Nick. I sometimes feel like i need a handbook on relationships because so many have been short lived and the long term ones were long ago and not pretty cicumstances, so it's nice to receive insight from someone who is in a healthy relationship and wants to share her thoughts and experience from others who can benefit from it. I really appreciate it. So far, so good...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

Nick & Bollabing (I like that user name by the way ;)) I like chatting with you. You are very uplifting, and I also want to thank you for your words of encouragement and your support.

Yes I did let him know that I was still struggling, when he told me he was. So we know we are both working out past hurts, not only him, and not only me.

Again thanks for the encouragements & 'bravo'S'!! :D

Rapunzele

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005

I have never used a forum like this before, you know that? I just happened to come across it and i am so glad i did!! It's great for 2 reasons:

1) It's rewarding to know you've maybe helped someone else put things in perspective and sometimes even reflecting on your own experience helps you put things in perspective for yourself too!!

2) You get great feedback and advice from others.

It's almost better than just going to see a therapist because there are several perspectives merged together to help you make sense of things, rather than one person who may or may not be giving the right advice.

Rapunzele, my advice to you may not have been the "right" advice for you just because it worked for me, but in the end, i think between hearing mine and everyone elses, you were able to put things in perspective and do what was best for you AND THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. Cheers, Ladies!!!( I know i used the word PERSPECTIVE a lot!! hahah...It just seems fitting)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

You just nailed the reasons I come here.

I've been in a total of four long term relationships. My current one is fabulous 97% of the time. I had two others that were both really great but tuned out to not be "just right". The one right before my current one was actually emotioanlly abusive, so my experiences have run the gambit.

I'm totally with you on taking away from all the different points of view what you cna leanr and what you wnat to try for yourself. All anyone here can do is offer an opinion or a suggestion ultimately the choices and the responsibility for deciding what's right for them is always up to the individual.

I have my moments when I get frustrated here and when that happens I'll take a break, but lately, overall, things have been really positive and constructive and to me that's when the boards do the most good.

It really thrills me that I can help others learn from my mistakes and successes. If I can save someone a little pain or a little regret that's a pretty darn awesome thing in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

You are all right. It is nice to take some and leave some depending on our own individual situations.

Everyone that came and responded to my post have been very, very helpful. It really has given me a good 'perspective' on things.

I find it easier not to have any 'expectations' this way I have less chance of getting disappointed right?

Thanks again for your support,

Rapunzele

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

"I find it easier not to have any 'expectations' this way I have less chance of getting disappointed right?"

That's true the only problem is, or at least it can be, that it's easier to say you have no expectations and to even think to yourself, "I'm not going to have an expectations." then it is to actually not have any.

Primarily becasue the line between an "expectation" and a "hope" can be a fine one. Even if you don't expect a guy to say, "I love you." if you "hope" he does it still going to sting (at least the ego) if he doesn't.

The good news is we often mistake a wounded ego for actual heartbreak. The good part of that is that a wounded ego heals a lot faster then a broken heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003

Hi friends,

Guess what..

My 'boyfriend' dumped me on Saturday. And guess what more.. it was my birthday. Yeah. What do you think of that.. he referred to what I had expressed, and said that it got him thinking and he does not have the same feelings for me, that he really tried and wished he did, but he doesn't. Well one of his best friends told his wife (now my friend) that it seems he only like to be with women who treat him like s*it. Make sense? Maybe he has a very low self-esteem. I have noticed some narcissistic tendencies in him, and to me that is a sign of low self-esteem. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

Well, I guess if he's not the one for me (he clearly isn't if he was so selfish to break up with me on my birthday.. after I spent the whole day of my birthday watching him play football..) then it must be a good thing that we broke up this way I'll be free when the right man comes along right..

But thanks for all the support you had provided. I guess my gut feeling was right all along huh.. I could feel someting had changed in him, I just tried to convince myself that maybe it was my imagination and insecurity. hmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004

That sucks. No other way to put it. Of course, even though the timing was awful, better now then after you've wasted more time.

"I guess my gut feeling was right all along huh.. I could feel someting had changed in him, I just tried to convince myself that maybe it was my imagination and insecurity. hmm."

I HATE it when that happens. It used to happen to me ALL the time with guys especially. In hind-sight it was alaways easy to spot all the times I ignored me instinsts. It still happens sometimes. I'll just get so focused on what I think I want and what is best for in my head, or emotions, or hormones and I just IGNORE my instincts trying to warn me that I'm wrong. Then afterwards I'm left having a Homer Simpson moment, "D'oh.".

Thankfully, I'm getting better at noticing and listening to my instincts. IF I hadn't I would have missed out on Pete completely.

The best gift anyone can give themselves is getting to know, understand, and except themselves. It makes EVERYTHING in life sooooooo much easier. Getting there is a little tough at times, but it's totally worth it.

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