I'm the one with cold-feet ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
I'm the one with cold-feet ...
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:34pm

I think I need to talk to my boyfriend. I am divorced - and TERRIFIED, absolutely TERRIFIED of getting married again. TERRIFIED. I don't want to do it anytime soon. And I think he is more ready to go. We've only been dating for 6 months, but he says he doesn't date casually. He dates for long-term. He's one of the Good Guys. Responsible, sweet, kind, patient. Likes to garden. He has children from his previous marriage.

I think I just need to tell him - I PANIC about marriage. I am NOT READY. I've only been divorced a year - and I am NOT READY. How do I say this to him tactfully. I really think this will be a deal-breaker for him. He wants marriage and stability. He wants something he can count on.

I just want to breathe. I'm TERRIFIED of marriage. My last marriage was so awful. Not just the divorce, but the MARRIAGE.

So how do I express this to him? We are both in our 30's. We are both mature - we've both seen a LOT of stuff and had people break our hearts and let us down. Promises have been broken. People have been unfaithful. I just can't do it again now - not now - not in one year - not in two years. I just need to tell him and get it off my chest.

How can I say this to him tactfully and not hurt him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:49pm

If he has told you he wants marriage, then you'd better tell him now. Don't worry about hurting him... If he's reasonable he'll understand it's not because of him.

Try this one on: "Hey I wanted to talk to you about something... You know how you said you eventually wanted to get married again? I thought about it a lot after that, and I realized I'm too afraid of marriage to consider it in the future. It's not because of you, it's because of my past experience with it. I just wanted to be honest with you because I like you a lot and you deserve to know what's going on."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 6:20pm

is he saying he wants marriage now, or just wants to know this will lead somewhere?

IMO six months is an awfully short period of time to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 12:12pm

I didn't see any time periods mentioned for either of you.

How long before he would like to be married? 2 years? 3 years? less than that? It doesn't mean to you specifically, but in general when would he see himself married again by?

Do you even want to be married again, if you know this time it's going to be good because you did all that you could to ensure he was a great potential partner? If you do, when do you see yourself married by?

Talk about the time frame in "general terms" with your boyfriend. See if your time frames overlap at all. If they line up, then just continue to date and reevaluate things after a year of dating. If they don't line up (like he wants to be married within a year and you absolutely do not) then you must go your separate ways. You simply won't be ready, and he will be.

Maybe you just don't know your time frame yet. Maybe you aren't yet sure if he fits the bill as Mr. Right and just want to keep dating. Talk about it.

What part terrifies you the most about remarriage?