I'M A SKEPTIC
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:48pm |
Okay, here goes the short version of the story....
Girl meets boy, boy meets girl... Ok seriously... I have not dated in a couple of months... So I am getting used to this whole dating thang, the rules, the waiting game, what a nightmare!
Anyhow... this is what I need support with. I met a wonderful man... We just started dating, it hasn't been 1 month yet... He had just relocated with a job as a contract-hire position about 90 miles from me one month ago... At first I thought this would work, he's not far, we have our week to do our thing and then we can get together on the weekend, right? I mean I'm the worst when it comes to going SLOW, so this would have been a good nice slow beginning to get to know each other, see where it goes, etc... Well in the meantime we've talked on the phone, talked online with webcams, done what we could in the dating scheme of things. We spent last weekend together, talking and getting to know each other more... So what's the problem you ask?
Well, he is unhappy with the contract-to-hire job. He is a small rural city with no family and no friends and he is feeling miserable... Mostly because the job is not what he had imagined it would be and he can't imagine staying there for another 6 months (which is what it would take to get hired full time/benefits) let alone any longer... OKAY. COOL. So where does this leave me? I'm scared to continue with someone and get my heart all involved when he might pick up and leave any given day... He is thinking of going back to where he was before he moved, which is also 90 minutes from me... which could work... But now he's mentioning that he's applied to places along the East Coast!!!
ARGH!!! I know finding a job can be a lengthy process, but how can he truly commit to me and our new relationship if he already has one foot out the door and is not sure which direction he's heading? If I didn't feel such a strong connection with him emotionally and possibly physically (we have not been intimate yet), I would say BYE BYE! To heck with you, I don't need to get involved... But I'm feeling like this man could be the "one"... And I have never felt like this in my life... And in order to get to know him more and find out if this is the case I would be taking a huge RISK! And I am not one to take huge RISKS ever! I run the other way, I take the safe path!
HELP! Anyone with some support and feelings?? I have not told him how I feel yet for fear that it will spook him (since we barely know each other). Before his talking of moving, he was also expressing a large interest level in me and seemed to agree he felt the strong connection too. I'm really worried, it's been making me feel very anxious!
UPDATE: Also, I believe a man can BS at times. (Women can too) So I am taking what he says with a grain of salt. I just find it ironic that he asked me if I was emotionally available, he said he always gives in a relationships and gives it the time and energy it deserves, that he only dates one person at a time, that he is completely available, that he is an honest person, and that he is not a malicious person. This may be all true and good, but right now I am going on the man's word... because that is all I have. Plus with the possibility of work hanging in the balance, I'm pretty skeptical. Also, the main red flag for me right now is his inconsistencies with calling me when he says he will call. It's been 3 times now. Once, he said he would call me at 8:30pm and it was 11:00pm when he called. Second time, he said he would call me during the day sometime, he didn't (and I didn't call him on it, and he didn't offer me a reason why he didn't call me during the day). Third time was last night when I asked if he wanted to chat later online. He said he could be online for a little while and that he would call me. Well, he was online (I didn't contact him first, I believe in not chasing after a guy), he didn't contact me for 10 mins... then he logged off. And he did not call me, like he said he would.
These might be small potatoes in the grand scheme of things, but like I said... The only thing that makes me trust a person is their word. Don't make promises you can't keep. Anyone else think I'm over reacting?
Edited 10/20/2005 9:14 am ET by pooldiva

pooldiva...
If "steady employment" is this man's priority (and NOT YOU)...Pianoguy suggests you accept his wishes and look elsewhere for companionship!
The toughest thing many males (as well as a few females) face is having to make a choice between a position that could take them ANYWHERE...or remaining in a particular area in order to settle down with a potential spouse!
Face it..."Something's gotta give!" (PG is using a song quote here).
Despite the fact that one or more of my village friends ASSUME that they can keep a job as well as handle a relationship....it's IMPOSSIBLE to have both 100% OF THE TIME!
Someone (or something) has to bend?
Pianoguy
Pianoguy,
I updated my message... so I added a few more details. I'm in agreement with you. I don't expect the guy to stay miserable in a job position he hates... But on the other hand, I don't want to give my commitment to someone who bails at the first moment there is trouble.
Since I've started this whole dating process again... I've treated it like a job interview. The first date is like a first impression. If you are late for an interview, you can pretty much kiss that job goodbye. I'm trying to look at it like this...
So what can you bring to this company? What are your qualifications? What is your past track history with holding a job (Or how long were you at your previous job)? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (I'll reserve this one for a later on in the dating process)
Potential employers look at someone who jumps from job to job as unreliable and why should they give them a chance only for them to leave them hanging when they decide to up and leave. I've been on an interview where they asked me, "Are you sure this position is challenging enough for you? That you won't get bored and leave in say 6 months?"
They don't want to invest in someone, get to "know" the person if there is no future. Just like ME. I'm not going to invest my time and energy with someone who is looking to cash their one and only paycheck with me and then hit the road.
I need to write a book... :)
Pooldiva
Why not continue to date him and see what happens, but not exclusively (i.e., date other people too)? Less than one month of dating would be very soon, IMO, to make a commitment to dating him exclusively even if you didn't have the issues of him possibly moving and him not keeping his word consistently.
Sheri
Sheri,
I do need to learn to relax and let things happen the way they are meant to happen... I have trouble with just having "fun" and not overanalyzing every detail... I just feel like if I see the "signs" now, I won't be a fool and I won't kick myself later...
I guess it stems from my insecurities... being good enough... being enough for someone else... Is it out of sight, out of mind? I can be a bit of a hypocrite sometimes... Like I could date more than one person, but if he is dating more than me then I would feel threatened...
Everyone seems to think this is an OK idea... How is dating more than one person a good thing? So you have a standing date on Saturdays? Like okay Paul, Harry and Chuck said no... Let me try up Jason? Don't people get confused? How can you stretch yourself so thinly? How can you truly get to know a person when you are multitasking? Also, isn't that a way to self-protect so you don't really allow any vulnerability?
Trust me, if I do decide to be "exclusive and intimate" I will ask the direct question of are we exclusive? Because I know how assuming got me in trouble before...
Just my two cents,
PoolDiva
Dating more than one person early on is a good thing IMO because it allows you to take your time to get to know someone without foreclosing other options in case any one guy you're dating doesn't turn out to be someone who is right for you. No, it's not to have a standing date...it's to get to know men I'm interested in over time and slowly, without becoming too invested in any one man too early on, before I know what they are really like.
I personally don't have a problem getting different men confused. I am able to focus on that person completely when I'm out with them or talking to them on the phone. They are all individuals and I treat them as such. I honestly don't understand why anyone would consider that hard (I've heard that issue before and it really puzzles me ;-))! Don't you get to know more than one person at a time in all other aspects of your life (friendship, business, etc)?
There's plenty of time for (more) vulnerability a few months down the road once you've gotten to know the person better and have a better idea if they are really right for you. As one of my favorite books on relationships says (paraphrasing), if it's the love of a lifetime, you'll have a lifetime to enjoy it, so what's the rush?
Sheri
Hello again, pooldiva!
Pianoguy agrees with Sheri (northwestwanderer)....NO EXCLUSIVITY AT THE BEGINNING! Just enjoy the man's company and your dates together---without making him exclusive!
The only way any of us CAN REALLY KNOW if we want to take a chance on a 'lifetime partnership' with someone...is to see whether that person comfortably fits into our life!
But I don't think ANY of us can expect to be #1 in ANYBODY'S LIFE all the time!
While your ivillage profile indicates that you are FEMALE....there's nothing else about you for any potential 'male suitor' to learn. Obviously...the degree of privacy in your life is regulated by YOU...but you might consider 'fleshing out' your profile a little?
Just a generic comment (to all ladies reading this)...many men will often "bail out of a relationship" once they discover that the habits, mannerisms or degree of love a woman has for them...is FORCED! I guess the last thing most of us want is to 'hook up with any woman' who starts out as Dr. Jekyll, but occasionally transforms into Ms Hyde!"
And before I get any nasty responses (from women)...I realize this line of thought also applies to MEN as well!
Pianoguy
Hi again Pianoguy!
I like all responses to my situation... And I will do something for the first time in my life... I'm going to be myself, and have fun! It's gonna be weird, but everyday I am getting out of my shell... and asserting myself positively...
This stems from deep-seated childhood experiences... But what I've learned is I don't have to remain this scared, helpless, non-trusting victim... I can choice to be the real me, and if people don't like it. TOUGH! Still to this day my mother doesn't TRUST anyone... not even ME!
Because the usual trend has been to go along with what everyone else wants, without me expressing myself... passive-agressive, and then when I've had about enough, I got aggressive... So perhaps your comparison of Dr.Jekyl and Ms.Hyde has happened to me. Actually my past two relationships have really WOKEN me up to how I used to act and how much of a negative effect it has on people...
You're right about me not having anything on my profile, not blaming my mother, but I was taught that you must remain mysterious in order to attract people because once they know everything about you they lose interest... Do I believe it now? Not really... I think only superficial people will be the ones who will lose interest in learning everything about me... Or emotionally unavailable people, who are afraid of real intimacy.
Here I am writing my own novel... LOL! I'm trying my best not to let fear run my life... I have to not be such a hypocrite to it... In my senior yearbook I had written "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." That was 11 years ago... you do the math :-) lol
Thanks for your honest take on it Pianoguy... And to everyone else who has responded I thank you for giving me your point of view...
PoolDiva