I'm so hurt please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
I'm so hurt please read
10
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:41pm
Hi All:
Quick recap. I met my b/f in July of 03. I was not the best girlfriend. I was in love but afraid so kept in touch with others. I kissed one person and told him. I was just very into my own thing. Going out all the time, drinking, partying, blah blah blah. He got fed up a little after a year saying I hurt him too much. He gave me his 100% and I just took took and took. THis is true but I did a lot. When I met him he was just out of rehab and I held his hand. I really helped him back on his feet emotionally and financially without a doubt. He broke up with me and for 8 months I cried everynight. I begged for him to please trust that I was a different person and he wouldn't belive I changed my selfish ways. FInally in April after 8 months he came back. He told me how happy I made him and how he forgave me and that's why he was back. I was scared, scared he'd leave again but I followed my damn heart. We got back together and it was so surreal. I was a different person. I was a loving and caring person. We stil had issues but most of them were him being distant and not including me in things. When he would be mean he would quickly apologize and say how much he loved me and how glad he was to be back. He and I would see each other every day and yes we would fight but like I said he was just being distant and I would feel it. Anyhow,Saturday he gets mad b/c I said to my sister not to talk about marriage in front of him anymore. He got upset and said why do I have to say that. I was like I didn't want youto fel pressured. HE walks out and is like I want to be alone. I called him and said I love you and youlove me so lets work this out. He says all we do is fight and argue and you don't deserve that. He was like I have to figure out why I can't give you allof me again. I said so why did you come back after so long he said I thought I forgave youbut I still have resentment towards you from before. I cried hysterically and he was like I love you but I'm not in love with you. I said so why do you text me everyday that youlove me, why do you buy me dozens of roses and a $500 bracelt. Why do you buy me cards about our future? He says it has nothing to do with love. ust leave me alone right now I have to figure this out. I said but you had your time before and please dont do this to me again. He said I don't know what to say. I can't deal witht his pain again. I am so hurt what am I supposed to do. I know I have to let him go. THe last time I went oover board trying to get him back and it poushed him away. He said this time listen and give me time not like last time. He's never coming back is he?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:57pm

We couldn't tell you if he's going to come back or not, but he's right, if you push him now, he WON'T come back. And if he can't get over the past, and he carry's the resentment around, then yeah, he's not coming back.

The question is...did things change? Did they really? And he's right. No jewelry nor text messages MEANS he's in love with you. ANYONE can easily do those things, and not be in love.

You have two choices. You can give him the time he needs WITHOUT contacting him nor pushing him.

or

You can let him go.

The choice is yours. But whichever you choose, I highly suggest you stick to it.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:05pm

My question is "why do you want him back?"

To fight is normal but not everyday. That just isn't a healthy relationship. Unless you two go to couples counseling I don't see how this soap opera of a relationship can really work out.

Relationships ARE not suppose to be drama every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:19pm
I guess I exaggerated a bit. We didn't fight everyday. We never yelled adn stuff. It was like little spit spats. Nothing too drama filled. I want him back b/c I love him dearly. I know that gifts don't mean love BUT he told me how much he loved me time and time again and when I would be upset or distant for whatever reason he would tell me that he loved me and that I was such an important part of his life. So why now? I'm so hurt. It's like tears keep falling and I don't even feel them falling anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:37pm

If you can't forgive someone for the past, it becomes less about love and more about what you can live with.

Realize that this isn't about love for you. It's about if HE can get past, the past. If he can't, and obviously he hasn't, since he said his resentment for you has been growing, then there's nothing you can do. Love or no love. If he can't forgive, you two won't make ti as a couple.

A r'ship isn't all about love. Love makes you want to be with the person and makes you choose things, however, love will not and cannot conquer all....including past mistakes.

Therefore, as I said before, you can't justify anything in your head, you may never understand what he's going thru, but you have two choices. Give him his space, and GIVE IT TO HIM. Or walk. Either he will get past it, or not. And there's nothing you, nor the amount of love, or type of love, that can make the decision.

So........unfortunately, you're gonig to have to just relax. Stop analyzing things. NOTHIGN you analyze is going to make sense to you. All you can do is realize you made mistakes in the past, and they may not be something he can get past.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:50pm
I know you are right. I just feel like he has done things as well and I forgave him. I loved him enough to forgive him. I know what you say about him having to forgive but he had 8 months to do so. If he didn't get over it why did he come back. I spoke to his mom before any of this happened since we are very close and she told me that she thinks he is scared. I don't know. I want to give him time but I already gave him that before. I love him with all of my heart and this is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean I feel like I am back where I started. WHy the hell did I let him in again? I feel like I must mean nothing to him if he feels that he can come in and out of my life this way. I feel so weak right now. I won't call him though b/c I have to let him go you are right but why does it hurt so damn bad?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 6:11pm

Are you really letting him go to give him time? Or let him go forever?

It hurts so damned bad because you love him. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, we stay with people because we do like them as people, but it's not meant to be.

If after 8 months, he's been "trying" to get over it and hasn't, then most likely he won't. Regardless if he's scared, he's allowing it to control him.

As I said, you can wait to see what he wants, or you can let go. I'm not sure what I'd do, however, this is his SECOND time having to decide what he wants. At this point, me, I'd probably let him go, because if he doesn't know this time around, and hasn't moved on, then yeah, he may never do it.

Love hurts. That's just life. Hugs.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:51am

First of all I totally agree with pineapple girl.

Second please STTTTTOOOOPPPPPPP! Stop torturing yourself. Becasue that's exactly what you are doing. Not by styaing or leaving but by endlessly hemming and hawing and creating all this drama and turnoil within yourself.

You have spent the last, roughly, 2+ years of your life tormenting yourself and yo-yoing between dispair and happiness. Torturing and tormenting yourself trying to "make" someone love you back and trying to "make" yourself more compatible with him and "make" him trust you.

Guess what you can't do ANY of those things. All you're doing is beating yourself up, tyring to make something into something it isn't. It's sooooo unhealthy its soooo bad for you.

Forget whether or not he'll come back, do something for YOU!!! Begging him to come back, praying he'll come back isn't helping YOU. It's HURTING you, this roller coaster you've been sitting on is BAD for YOU!

You've been sitting on the ride so long you've forgotten what it's like to be off of it and your legs are probably going to practically tremble right off from lack of use but if you REALLY want to help yourself, talk to friends talk to family, and get them to help you get off the ride and support you until you can keep your legs under you under your own steam.

It's not about love it's about saving yourself. It's about not hurting yourself any more. It's about you helping yourself to feel better!

The kind of love that lasts a lifetime doesn't slowly kill you inside the way this is doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:27am
You ladies are so right and thank you. I have been trying so hard but I felt that I had to b/c I knew in my heart that I did so much wrong to him. I just feel that I Can't do it anymore. I have to walk awy and I'm so sad. I've walked away from other relationships before but I never loved like htis. We were planning our future and he pulls this. That's exactly how I feel how sure of his love is he if he so easily walks away whenever he wants. I just don't underastand him. I just feel like after I told him how much I suffered the first time how could he do it again like nothing. I know he is going through a tough time and maybe his way of coping is isolatiohn but that's not ok with me. His brother is 25 and went to rehab and not even a week after coming home he relapsed. THis all happened not even a week ago. I know he has this on his mind and now this. I want to walk awy and never look back but I feel like I would only be lying to myself if I do that. Also, he owes me $200 for a mother's day gift and he is supposed to drop it off but what do I do when I see him do I say anything? Also, could it be that he is flipping out b/c I'm going to LAs VEgas this weekend and he knows how hard I artied the last time I went? Oh girls please just keep the advise flowing b/c I'm at work and tears just keep streaming down my face. Tx so much!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:31am

This is what you do. You stop making yourself crazy worrying and obsessign over him adn what he's thinking or feeling and start worrying and obsessing over what really matters you.

Did you make a mistake? Yes. You said you were sorry and tried to put it behind you, but your not, your carrying it around and flogging yourself with it. You do not have to pay for a mistake for the rest of your life.

You will love again passionately adn more whole heartedly then you do now. I know it's hard to believe but it's true. I know it's true because real love just DOES NOT make you feel this way.

But if you want to experience that kind of love you're going to have to pull yourself together and turn all that analyzing and obsessing inside yourself and figure out what you're afraid of and why you wont leave a realtionship that you know is bad for you and hurts you.

As long as you keep focusing on him and making things right for him and keeping him your going to continue torturing yourself and feeling like crap about yourself. The only reason you were able to leave before and you haven't left this time is because in this realtionship you have allowed your self-esteem to be undermined both by him and by your own self-destructive thoughts.

It's not a matter of you loving this man more then you did others it's a matter of you having been stronger then and you having loved YOURSELF more then.

If this is what passes for love in your life, you're going to spend most of your life miserable and only you can change that. All the advice in the world wont help until you face your fears and take some of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:01pm

its seems to me that you should let him have his time, do your own thing! In a relationship that you want to be with somebody your whole life, so much doubt shouldnt be around! I dont think he is going to pull through. It seems like you should let go and walk away. Its going to become a never ending cycle, he gets mad he walks away, he comes back, he gets mad again and he walks away and so forth. Is the that the type of marriage that you want? to me it sounds like if you do end up married, your marriage will end in divorce sooner or later.

Pick your head up, and just go!

In my own experiences i got screwed up by both my boyfriend and best friend...and since then i just walked out, and i have not turned back! it is hard, oh so hard. but you just hve to do for yourself and stop dwelling over a love that seems like it will never be.
Hugs!