Inexperienced/ALOOF GUY, help!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
Inexperienced/ALOOF GUY, help!!!!!
4
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 12:35am
Okay, so I've been dating this guy for about 3 weeks (talked for about a month before that), we've hung out a lot, I think we even spent 7 or 8 days consistently sleeping in one anothers beds one of the weeks. The thing is he's never dated anyone before, and it's not because he can't or that he's shy, but he says that he's just really specific about who he likes. In fact, a lot of people who don't know him (esp girls) often think he's gay or asexual at first because he doesn't I guess act towards them in a typically guy way. He's really outgoing with people, but has admitted he's awkward with girls. He's completely sexually inexperienced (at the age of 22), but I started giving him oral sex about a week ago, which was probably a big step for him. When I was first talking to him, I even asked him, "so do you like girls? are you asexual, etc?" and he answered that no he's not either, that he likes girls but that it's much more specific than that. i didn't really ask anymore about it. so we're dating now, and i've been fairly nonchalant and independent and very casual about the whole thing - basically i know he thinks all girls are crazy, so i don't want him to think i am. the problem is, he also seems to treat me the same way, almost nonchalant. do guys do this on purpose? i mean, he must like me a fair amount, right? he's a second semester senior about to graduate college, and he's never dated anyone before, despite girls liking him. i know that he liked two girls before me in college (spread out over the past 4 years) but nothing happened with either of them. Also, he says he hates talking about himself, and he is really bad talking about anything serious - he also says he has trouble giving compliments/receiving them, etc.. but is very sweet when we're alone together, although sometimes sarcastic (which i am too, to cover up for my own insecurities). Sorry this is so long, but am I doing the wrong thing by feigning nonchalance and aloofness? does anyone else know guys like this with girls they like, or with girls in general? if i act this way, do you think he will too, or is he genuinely this aloof? what do you think? i would really appreciate to know if anyone else knows a guy like this.. how do i get him to open up? can i not change his immaturity/difficulty to deal with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 4:27am

>>basically i know he thinks all girls are crazy, so i don't want him to think i am. the problem is, he also seems to treat me the same way, almost nonchalant.<<

If he thinks all girls are crazy and treats you the same as all girls...then, yes, he probably does think you are crazy too.

>> i mean, he must like me a fair amount, right? he's a second semester senior about to graduate college, and he's never dated anyone before, despite girls liking him.<<

Sweetie, if you can't tell whether or not he likes you based on his behaviour towards you today, then you're dating the wrong man.

>>am I doing the wrong thing by feigning nonchalance and aloofness<<

Yes, you are doing the wrong thing. The most important thing in a relationship is HONESTY. If you are faking who you really are, then your relationship is based on a lie. Better to be true to yourself and break-up than to have him loving someone who is fake.

>>does anyone else know guys like this with girls they like, or with girls in general?<<

Yes. But I must qualify and say that they fall into the autism spectrum or have other specific social skill problems.

>>is he genuinely this aloof?<<
Who knows...

>>how do i get him to open up? can i not change his immaturity/difficulty to deal with?<<
If he has asked your help with trying to learn how to act, then by all means assist him. However, if he's happy with who he is, you can't and shouldn't try to change him. He is who he is and you must respect this if you want a relationship with him. If you don't like his behaviour move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 12:06pm

My situation was exactly the same when I met my boyfriend...He is 24 and was a virgin and had never had a gf until me. He treated me the same way when we first started dating. And I had all of the same questions and it gets very frusterating when you're not use to an inexperienced guy. I flirted a lot with my boyfriend, I would casually touch him whenever I could - if he made a funny joke or whatever when you're talking and he grew more affectionate toward me in public and around his friends. I think it's something they just have to get use to and you have to ease them into it.
On the talking about serious issues it has only been 3 weeks so that's pretty early to start opening up to somebody although I suppose it depends on what kind of serious issues you're talking about.....I think that you should just give him some time to see what happens and remember you are his FIRST girlfriend - he's probably a little intimidated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 7:14pm

thanks so much for the replies

as far as treating me like other girls, he doesn't do that, i think i phrased it wrong. i meant to say that he treats me the same way i treat him, which is fairly nonchalant. i always get insecure in the beginning of a relationship and try to seem as independent as possible (and i'm not clingy, but for reason i think i take the independence thing a bit too far at first), and so that's what i'm doing now, so i guess i can't expect him to act any differently to me. as far as talking about serious issues, they aren't even serious, i mean i asked him once why he wasn't very aggressive in bed, and that he needs to take initiative because i can't tell what he is comfortable doing, etc, and then i think one other time i asked him something along the lines of why he hadn't dated anyone before me even though he's not shy at all and he said "i hadn't found anyone." and that's the extent of it. he's told all his friends about me, and none of his friends are like him at all (they are all outgoing frat guys) so i guess its a big deal now that he's dating me, and he's not embarrassed or anything. but... i dunno, i'm really glad to hear that your boyfriend eventually came around. did he have any trouble discussing serious topics? i mean i didn't even have the guts to bring up whether or not we were dating. the fact is, other people were talking about it, and so it came back to us as "i heard you were dating so and so, etc" and so they sort of classified it for us. well for me. i guess when people asked he said that we were. he's not autistic nor does he have any social inabilities, he just hasn't dated anyone and he's seemed to be fine with it. it's just difficult for someone like me, who usually has intense relationships where the guy is very open about his feeling towards me. should i stop being so nonchalant to him? i'm fairly stubborn and prideful and insecure, and so opening MYSELF up is really hard without knowing how he'll respond to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:24pm

omg sista...my boyfriend is just like that. Aloof, closed-off, inexperienced, socially akward. We have been together for like 2 months, and broke up one and a half times. Yes. He even said he was too "immature for a relationship" but then begged for me back a week later. He is so hard to deal with. I am his first girlfriend, and he is my first serious boyfriend. It took him a while to show affection for me in public, but after the first time we sort of broke up, he started to a lot more. And about serious issues, yeah, HATES it. He just gives me this annoying sigh when I try to talk about something serious. But when he wants to talk about something serious, he's all talk. A man of few words..lol.

There are so many issues with him, but so little space here, LOL. But, i think it is so early for you and your guy. Even me and mine. 2 months. But, I decided to give it another try because it was so early.

So, good luck with your guy, and hopefully i will with mine!